All In
Tivo Description: Horatio deals with his past; the team races to save Calleigh from kidnappers. (oh the exciting conclusion. I am breathless with anticipation)
Damn. Looks like h didn’t get shot. There go my dreams of a happy ending.
6 bad asses who don’t have to worry about prison vs. h. gee, i wonder how this will end.
More exploding captions. I guess Portuguese needs to be in bold and explode on the screen, just like Spanish.
Oh really, H speaks Portuguese. I guess he’s a master of world languages in his spare time.
HOLD UP. You mean to tell me not one of these other guys gets one shot off while H guns down their friends.
Uh oh, here come the motorcycles. Lemme guess, H will take each of them out with one shot as well. Yup. I was right.
How many rounds does this gun have. H is one hell of a shot, hitting the moving targets. Esp. the motorcycles. Impressive.
Oh like that knife is going to help you against h.
H: Mala Noche justice, meet Miami justice. (CLASSIC!!!!!!!!!) <shoots him between the eyes>
Do i really even need to analyze how ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY ridiculous this entire scene was. H takes out about 10 people, the majority with one shot, while no one else gets a shot off. Most of the targets are moving and motivated to gun him down. I want these 3 minutes of my life back.
Oh how cute, b_d_d came to meet h at the airport. What no hug, no kiss? I was sure these two were going to start running towards each other.
b_d_d: calleigh was abducted. We searched for her all night. (what?!!? There is night in Miami? So it looks like it’s early morning in Miami. H flew to Rio, shot up like 15 people, and flew back all in the time span of like 12 hours. And after all that killing, some at close range, he has not found it necessary to change his damn clothes.
Frank: whoever did this was smart enough to disable the gps tracking unit. (well, that eliminates you frank)
H: ambush (in Miami)
H: get that to the lab (drink!) and i’ll catch up with you gentlemen later (preferably at a gentlemen’s club, i’m sure)
Frank: what the hell you think happened in Brazil? (what happens in Brazil, stays in Brazil)
B_d_d: he didn’t say. I’m just glad he’s back (yes, those 12 hours must have been tough for you b_d_d)
Traitor_wolfe, still in yellow.
Chloroform again! Better call in Scooby and the gang!
Ron: horatio, as i told you…before…you…were…arrested….for….murder...in….Brazil (he speaks at the same rate his neurons fire, apparently.)
Ron: i want to…uh…thank…you..for…Brazil (oh the times you boys must have had there.) um, worked out really well for the two of us, because, uh, Julia and i, we got back together. (oh no he didn’t!!!! you might as well just sign your death certificate right now. H has no problem gunning down anyone who stands in his way, quite literally). Best of luck finding your csi
H: if anything happens to my csi, this will be your last week on earth (doing the gene pool a favor there)
I can’t believe these two idiots pulled off this kidnapping and murder.
Calleigh: that bullet smells like garlic (WHAT?!?!?)
Calleigh: the smell of the cigar will mask the smell of decomp (drink!)
Dumbass_robber1: you’re not a stupid as you look (if that’s our litmus test, then how does anyone on this show manage to remember to breathe?)
Kyle is still in that fugly ass sweater vest and Julia is still in the pole dancer dress, although i imagine she’s got a closet full). I guess they shot both of these episodes in about 45 minutes, total.
H, lurking in the shadows, yet again.
Julia: he’s living with us now (wow, you have high standards. Rich husband was shot and killed about a week ago, you’re all of a sudden mommy to long_lost_son, and now psycho_ex has moved in. i guess you have an adjustment period of one day. Is the other guy even buried yet?)
H: if you stay with this man, you and kyle are gonna die (way to throw in the dramatics, h).
<creepy slo-mo staring scenes>
Guess those two aren’t long for this world.
Dumbass_robber1: i thought me and you could waste a little time
Calleigh: i’d rather die than have you touch me (fair enough)
Calleigh: i don’t think you killed the poker player (oh, what a fun twist this will be.)
Just to make sure I’m following this. H can take down an entire gang and get back to Miami in time for work, but Calleigh, who I’m assuming is trained in disarming people, can’t get the gun off one dude. Both scenarios are so divergent from reality, and that was before the chloroform was in the picture.
Dumbass_robber2: It’s not like there’s a store that sells everything on earth, seth (apparently wal-mart does not exist in Miami. Also, he used the dude’s name. although, i guess it doesn’t matter cuz calleigh can obviously ID them both. Why aren’t these two fucktards wearing masks?)
Toilet cleaner, stereo wire, a mug, and corkscrew. What the fuck is she making. Am I watching MacGyver? Conveniently, there’s a corkscrew there.
Calleigh: blah, blah, blah, blah scientific stuff. It’s basic chemistry
Dumbass_robber2: <vacant stare> (i just noticed, this idiot is all in white too! Guess there was no blood spatter (drink!) from the shooting)
Calleigh: Arsenic poisoning. (ah, now the garlic makes sense)
B_d_d: You’re not allowed in here!... yeah she’s still missing, she’s been abducted
So fired_guy hands over the memory card from the first crime scene, in hopes that it will help them find calleigh. How on earth is that going to work. They found her because of your dumbass website. But i’m sure these two jokers will have been in the crowd at the crime scene, because that is way more unrealistic, so makes perfect sense in Miami.
B_d_d and natalia: quit bickering!
Traitor_wolfe must be color blind. That blue jacket and yellow shirt/tie combo, yikes!!!!
I don’t think you need to ask a city employee more than once to take a break.
Lucky traitor_wolfe found the string in under .3 seconds.
So i guess Ron hasn’t changed his outfit since he pushed the car in the water a week ago.
Ron: why, horatio, would i bother ….with a csi? Why would i do that when i’ve got what i need. I’ve got Julia back. (his biggest problem here is he calls h, “horatio,” instead of “lieutenant”)
H: and we both know how that happened, don’t we?
Ron: By killing the Newbury lady, ok? You’re never going to prove that. Never
H: I just did. (like i said, this guy hasn’t changed his clothes at all. Also. You’d think he’d notice his shoelace broke, and i dunno, dump those shoes in a dumpster in ft. Lauderdale and go to the outlets with all of Julia’s money and get like 50 new pairs)
Ron: not after i talk to the state attorney…blah, blah, blah…
H: nice try ron <creepy stare>
Wow, this Ron dude is KRAZY banging his head all on the table like that. I imagine there are cameras in these interrogation rooms, guess he’s not so smart.
Hey, Ron is wearing that pinky ring like all the Canadian engineers.
H: just remember what i said ron
Ron: i will, i’m going to go to Julia now. (krazy is as krazy does). I’ll say hi to your son for you. (dude, he’s just asking for an execution style killing in a dark alley)
H: do that
The crazy plastic opening and closing like a crater in the earth is like the single bullet theory in the JFK murder.
Loser_gun_owner: i don’t even have the gun any more (oh that old, tired, excuse)….lost it in a poker game last night
Frank: what, no one could change a hundred?
L_g_o: i’ve lost my watch, my boat, maxed out my visa, the gun was all i had on me (heard of GA?)
B_d_d: no legal casino’s gonna allow you you bet with a gun (REALLY?? You don’t say b_d_d)
Frank: sounds like an underground game to me (wow frank. Thanks for restating the obvious. The rest of us got it when he said “i lost my gun in a poker game”)
B_d_d: one of our own csi’s was abducted with that gun (would they really tell him that much detail?)
Frank: we’ve already got you on illegal gambling, sport, it’s time to show your cards (oh that is just SO clever. I don’t see why he wouldn’t tell them where the game was. He’s got to know it will help him)
L_g_o: i think it was 1429 Wimberly. (good thing you remember the exact address. Got the zip code too?)
B_d_d: you better hope you’re right (i’m sure getting you close enough should be sufficient. You are the cops. And i imagine he has the exact address written down somewhere)
Why is b_d_d calling h with the address, he’s got frank right there, and frank is the one who should be going, cuz he is the cop.
Guess calleigh should have stayed put.
So h and b_d_d break down the doors, and no sign of frank.
Oh the old finger print message trick! She’s awfully precise making perfect numbers with her hands, literally, tied behind her back.
B_d_d: it’s the number 60
H: 60 is the police code for a two man unit (cuz b_d_d wouldn’t know that? Well, maybe not). She’s leaving us a message b_d_d
B_d_d: She’s telling us she was taken by two men, which means she was alive when she left this room (no. she was alive when she thumbed the message) (dude. Is this first year English where you repeat everything like 7 times. Hello. How are you? I am doing fine. How are you? Would you like some coffee? Yes, I would like some coffee? Would you like milk in your coffee? Yes, I would like milk in my coffee. Could this be anymore stiff? Further, i watched the real csi the other night, and they didn’t repeat basic information over and over. Almost like you could figure out what “two man unit” means without 17 explanations. Now wonder this show is popular in non-English speaking countries.)
H: but for how long (gratuitous flash back to like 10 minutes ago)
Pompous_guy: excuse me what’s going on
H: <does not turn to look at the guy> and you are
P_g: blah, blah, lofts… nobody is supposed to be in it.
H: well someone was murdered, and now they’re on their way to the coroner’s office
P_g: you people really need to step up the patrols around here (uh oh, guilty!)
H: a man was shot and killed and found next to a poker table, does that ring a bell
P_g: a poker table <incredulous>. First murder and now illegal gambling (um. I think murder is just a teensy bit more of a problem than a card game). What am i supposed to do, build a moat.
H: you can start with security cameras. (yes, let’s keep big brother watching our every move in the name of “security”. I can’t wait to the panopticon turns on you, h!)
Wow, pretty nice “warehouse”
Calleigh: i’m going to need the black light
Dumbass_robber1: what do you need that for (have you never seen dateline??!!)
Calleigh: this is where robert was shot
Dumbass_robber1: what the hell man, i thought you said you cleaned it <gun to the head of dumbass_robber2> (this guy is a little too quick to point the gun at someone’s head. He’s bound to shoot himself like any second now.)
Dumbass_robber2: i did, i swear (duh, you guys learned the bleach trick AFTER you cleaned the first crime scene)
Dumbass_robber2: when we axed him for the address, he, like freaked out….(so….as far as i can tell, the guy just keeled over, and these two idiots decide to shoot him and move the body, rather than just walking away, or, i dunno, making an anonymous 911 call)
Calleigh: go to the medicine cabinet, see if you can find some iodine
Dumbass_robber2: why
Calleigh: you’ll see (she’s pretty much walked on water up until now, yet they still question her. Stupid people usually believe whatever you tell them.)
See, anyone can be a csi with things you find in your house. Isn’t science fun.
Dumbass_robber1: woah, woah, stop. What are you trying to do. Start a fire. Get the cops here (actually, the fire dept. would probably show up)
Calleigh: This is called a fuming chamber, the smoke is supposed to be there, the hot print is going to stick to any chemical that is on the flask (man, this guy is a right moron. That little amount of smoke and he’s freaking)
Dumbass_robber1: do i look stupid to you? (very)
Dumbass_robber2: you can have my prints, i trust you (first mistake. And dumbass_robber1 doesn’t put the gun to his head over giving up his prints?!?!? And why does it matter if they’re excluded, you don’t have your super-print-finder computer there to find a match. And, if i were going to bet, i’d say the dead guy’s prints would be all over that thing)
Let me guess. Dumbass_robber2 is gonna bring that flask straight to h.
Alexx: his heart showed signs of cardiac arrest
H: he had a heart attack? (no, he went to heart jail.)
Alexx: acute arsenic toxicity (said extra slow cuz that is a hard word to read)
H: so the poisoning caused the heart attack (tell me this episode is some sort of cruel april fools joke)
Ah, the cigar. Guess he shouldn’t have made calleigh pick it up.
Alexx: you’re saying that like it makes perfect sense (i’m sure very little makes sense to you, alexx)
Natalia: so you’re saying that calleigh left this in the wound track for us to find?
H: i am (of course!)
Called it. flask right to h! (drink!)
So. Frank and H are talking police stuff and some sketchy dude is lurking in the shadows and h stops his conversation to see if he needs directions or a quarter for a payphone?
H: does this have to do with the missing csi? (way to show all your cards, h. want some free advice? Don’t go to those high entry poker games)
H: where is the missing csi, right now?
Dumbass_robber2: 7501 witlock (these dummies and their recall for addresses is amazing. I don’t even know my own address most days)
H: 7501 witlock. Get SWAT. (the swat team?!?!? Seriously. How many times has the swat team been called out for calleigh this season.)
The landlord, told you!
H: so he’s a liar. Bring him in.
B_d_d: do you know where csi Duquesne is? If you do you better tell me. Lt. Caine is working on the killer’s fingerprints and if they match yours, i’m not going to be so nice a second time.
Dumbass_robber1: we’re about to pull off the biggest heist in underground Miami (oh, this will end well for you)
So dumbass_robber2 couldn’t get his shit together fast enough to find h in a timely manner and get the po-po there before dumbass_robber1 got scared. Secondly, wouldn’t have real cops sent him back with the bleach and followed him so as not to let dumbass_robber1 know they were on to him.
H in the lab coat again. They’ll never find calleigh now.
So if l_g_o were smart, he’d say he took a swig off the flask.
L_g_o: all paid for by my kid’s college fund (1. who’s dumbass fault is that. 2. why are parents under this mistaken notion that they are responsible for paying for their kids to go to school)
L_g_o: i had to win some back…for my family (h should let you off now, seeing as he’s a dad too!)
L_g_o: freaked when i saw the CSI decal (LOSER)
H: i don’t blame you.
Baking soda and grape juice!!!!
Natalia: invisible ink.
Yes, most people open the door immediately when the cops show up during the middle of your illegal poker game.
OH MY GOD…..how cheesy is this, with them all guns a’blazing. It’s like the lamest reservoir dogs rip off EVER!
Dumbass_robber1: <comprehension sinking in>
H: you’re not going to get the chance
And now calleigh can get =the gun off him, no problem.
Calleigh: you messed with the wrong people.
And there’s b_d_d to comfort her.
B_d_d: you gonna take some time off
Calleigh: i just wanna go home
B_d_d: you’re not going home alone (b_d_d, this is NOT your in. plus, i’m sure boy-toy cop is there waiting)
Calleigh: i’m fine, i promise (leave me alone you brain damaged FREAK)
B_d_d: i’m not. I don’t know what i would have done if something would have happened to you today (oh my god, i just puked in my mouth)
Calleigh: ok (way to stand your ground calleigh)
GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS
H please change your clothes.
Jerry Bruckheimer, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Ratings:
H’s incredible aim: 1 dead hooker
Gangsters not shooting back: 1 dead hooker
H wearing the same clothes for like 3 days, after two mach speed flights and 10 dead bodies: 3 dead hookers
Chloroform: 3 dead hookers and 1 Scooby snack
Calleigh as MacGyver: 4 dead hookers
Arsenic poisoning: 4 dead hookers
Address recall: 3 dead hookers
Ron’s inability to speak more than one word per 5 seconds: 4 dead hookers
Thumbprints and invisible ink: 5 dead hookers
2 most unbelievable robbers/kidnappers ever: 4 dead hookers
B_d_d/Calleigh: 1 dead hooker, 1 puke bucket
Overall: 3.5 dead hookers.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Ambush - 3/31/08
Ambush
Tivo Description: Horatio’s past comes back to haunt him when Julia has him arrested for murder.
Looks like we’re starting off in the glades. Hope there is a gator involved.
Looks like something out of a Carl Hiaasen story story.
Explosives, teenagers, and alcohol. This should be a fabulous combination. Hey ya’ll watch this…
That arm looks plastic
So the retard jumps in there with gators and god knows what. Is this the murder h’s bimbo ex set up a few episodes ago? I thought that car was red, so maybe not.
Alexx: What are you thinking, Horatio. (well alexx, probably not much. Not a whole lot of activity going on between those ears)
Calleigh: her sunpass is missing
This is not the first episode where the sunpass has been used to track someone. This is why i pay cash for tolls.
Oh what do we have here? B_d_d has some sort of cliff notes on how to do his job. Seriously. All he needs to know is on the equivalent of an index card. Let me guess that this is some sort of “trick” and he’s writing a book or some lame shit.
Fun split screens in the morgue. Just what i needed to see.
Oh here’s dumbass Natalia in white again – but this time a yellow shirt.
Alexx: but the bruising on her wrists and knees indicate she struggled (um, don’t you mean wrist. singular.)
Hold up right now. Do I see H in a lab coat (a white lab coat no less, not his signature black) processing evidence. Well, this case is sure to be screwed up. Or compromised (accreditation! Drink!). i thought for sure he didn’t do any actual work.
Looks like he can use the fancy non-existent-technology-computer as well. Must have had a remedial course at the community college.
And of course, baby_mama’s prints show up
Um, baby_mama, you might want to consider some clothes that don’t make you look like a pole dancer. I’m just sayin’ is all…
DUDE!!!! I swear to you H was, um, checking out the goods!
Baby_mama: somehow i knew you wouldn’t stay away, h
Baby_mama: i watch the news (a likely story)
Baby_mama: anyone could have taken it from my home. There are a lot of people out there with motive to frame me. I’m looking at one right now (wow. These writers are clever. Wonder how this will play out)
H: Julia. You’re in deep trouble (oh i’m so telling teacher on you!)
Baby_mama: why can’t you just believe me (h believes no one except deadbeat hookers)
H: because. <slight pause> I haven’t <dramatic pause> heard the truth yet.
Natalia: case closed, and h gets kyle back in his life (just what kyle needs)
Bimbo_ex_housekeeper: you know as well as i do she’s dangerous. (oh yeah. She’s a criminal mastermind. Pretty nice house for being a housekeeper)
Bimbo_ex_housekeeper: hey, you’re the scientist. (well, it’s obvious you aren’t)
natalia: and you’re the suspect. Again
b_e_h: <blank stares>
natalia: mind telling me how you paid for all this (can she even ask that? How about “none of your business” or “profits from my side job as a high-class hooker”)
yeah. Her “investments” bought her that mansion. From her housekeeper’s salary.
Nice yellow tie traitor_wolfe
Calleigh: all of my crime scene photos are gone (i like how it’s all old school and it’s just a bunch of blank images that show up, rather than something realistic, like blank memory card seeing as you cannot download that which does not exist. How zen. The presence of absence and what not.)
Traitor_wolfe: did you remember to take the lens cap off the camera (is the computer plugged in? this isn’t FILM. If the lens cap were on, you would know it.)
“Better Luck Next Time” shows up all echo-style on the screen
Calleigh: ok, what does that mean (i think it means- better luck next time. Or, through the means of some technology that doesn’t exist, someone is fucking with you. I think a more appropriate question to ask is: WTF?)
Traitor_wolfe: did you let the camera out of your sight
Calleigh: no! well. Maybe for a second (which is it, calleigh. If this were an interrogation, you’d so be in the holding cell right now)
Traitor_wolfe can see there are no prints on the camera card by using the naked eye and a flash light.
Traitor_wolfe: i think someone is trying to sabotage our case (gee, i wonder who that could be? Could it be…..SATAN?)
Traitor_wolfe: it looks like a piece of metal (wow, your powers of perception are so keen)
Calleigh: that looks like the tip of a fishing spear (we’ve gone from “metal” to the “tip of a fishing spear”
Dumbass_money_stealer: i’m pre-law, so i know everything. How else will i be an arrogant attorney some day (this is why you have benjamins held up with clothes pins and are using a hair dryer on them You know what else would work? The dryer. You can wash and dry money. That’t the beauty of it.
Dumbass_money_stealer_2: we’re just two guys in the wrong place (no. you’re two morons who are so fucked up that you go fishing with explosives. And, if you weren’t such retards, you could have gotten away with it. AND, let’s say you’re fishing with explosives and an arm washes up. Now let’s say you’re stupid enough to jump in the drink and see what’s up. You find a car, at least 10 feet down with a dead body in it. the first thing you do is:
a) get the fuck out of dodge
b) call the cops
c) pop the trunk with your fishing spear.
Calleigh: actually, you’re two guys in the center of a murder investigation
Dumbass_money_stealer_2: <blank stare>
DUDE! WTF is kyle wearing. What a fugly-ass sweater vest. I’m sure you don’t get your ass kicked for wearing that shit. All the teenagers wear sweater vests.
<h lurking around corners again>
H: <creepy ass look> how are you?
Kyle: just been trying to settle down. Been trying to sort everything out in my head
H: can i help you with that (ew. That’s gotta be some kind of pick up line)
Kyle: why are you still harassing mom…blah blah
H: son, a woman lost her life
Kyle: please just leave her alone
H: i can’t do that son
Kyle: she’s really, really scared, dad (gross. Don’t call him that. Maybe sperm_donor_144, but not dad)…it has to be because of you!
H: she has no reason to be afraid of me
Kyle: she is <nice combo of whiny and teen angst there>
H: are you sure that’s what going on
Kyle: don’t try to con me. (con him? That’s extreme. Ass-rape, sure. Con, probably not. H isn’t cunning enough to trick a teenager) i came here and said what i need to say. I’m done (yeah. You’re a big tough man. Or a big ol’ mama’s boy. You don’t have enough synapses firing to come up with all that on your own. See also: your sweater)
H: keep your voice down (um, that’s something you say around ages 3-9. it’s a little too late now)
Kyle: i’m not going to let you use me against her (yep. Mama’s boy)
Solve a Crime with Calleigh
Traitor_wolfe: that looks like delko’s hand writing
How convenient that b_d_d’s cheat sheet is now on the internets and it looks like calleigh needs to use it!
Calleigh: that video looks like it was taken by somebody in the crowd. (any other brilliant observations?)
Why does she not want to track down who created this website and stole her camera card?
So traitor_wolfe, kyle, and natalia are all wearing yellow. How very spring-like of them.
Traitor_wolfe: we’re lucky we have them (the license plate photos) because the department of transportation usually throws them away right away (i sincerely doubt that. Isn’t the whole point of those to keep big brother watching you? But, if they say it on csi: Miami, it must be true)
Truck_driver: who the hell are you? (let’s see. Gun. Badge. I’m going to guess…..cop?)
Frank: your nightmare
EW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT BATHROOM MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE
B_d_d: these places aren’t known for their cleanliness. (that’s the most insightful thing you’ve said. Ever. This brings up the question. Who does clean rest stop bathrooms? I’ve never seen one being cleaned. Wonder if it ever happens. That would be a shitty job. No pun intended. Well, maybe a little.)
Oh my god!!!!!!!!!!!! He just picked up a funky ass washcloth that has been sitting on the floor of a truck stop bathroom for god knows how long. AND HE SMELLED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
B_d_d: chloroform (drink!) (what is this, Murder She Wrote? Nancy Drew? Who uses chloroform any more?)
Frank: so she was subdued (well, presuming it is chloroform, and was used on dead_lady, yes frank, that is a brilliant observation)
That split screen of natalia looks like the brady bunch.
H: real estate fraud, and now murder, ron. (that’s quite a leap up the crime ladder)
H: that’s not a cut, that’s a bite mark
Ron: well, i’m not sure you can tell either way, but i told you what happened. (despite the fact that you told h, no one is saying you told the truth, and you just admitted it may, in fact, be a bite mark. Retard. You should apply for a job as a writer for this show)
Ron: can you prove that.
H: That’s…..what i do.
All I know is, this just gives me more reason to never set foot in those bathrooms. Like I needed another one.
Looks like h_love_interest_dead_brother’s_wife needs a paycheck. Her hair has gotten bigger. Why do they need to meet in some secluded gardens? I think her office would work.
Yelena: Julia came to me…she asked me to work for her….about Marisol, and why you went to brazil..(they’re reusing old episodes for story line fodder. Aren’t they all full of fresh ideas from their 3 month vacation? How could this bimbo find out all this stuff about h’s past BEFORE she hired a private investigator) i don’t trust this woman, and i don’t think she’s going to give up easily.
H: neither am i <dramatic exit>
H: Julia, did ron murder Kathleen newbury (i suppose it’s typical to give the entire case away to one of the suspects. It seems like he actually thinks she’s not involved. She’s still wearing the same pole dancer dress, so i guess it’s still the same day)
H: ron is back in town, and i think you’re in contact with him (i thought h and bimbo_ex’s torrid love affair took place in some other part of florida. So being back in town is pretty much irrelevant. Maybe he’s been here all along. And if he came from elsewhere, it was pretty quick because bimbo_ex had like 5 minutes notice before the big trial)
Bimbo_ex: <vacant stare> <neurons trying to fire> we all have skeletons in our closet (so that’s what’s taking up all the room for appropriate clothing), but i’ve left mine behind for kyle. I don’t think you can say the same thing (um, the correct answer is: i had no idea ron was in Miami.)
Bimbo_ex: In Rio, money can buy a lot of information. You murdered this man (what did you do, fly down there and back. Who took care of kyle?!?!?!)
H: <creepy smirk> <weird ass hell flashback with H still all in black> Julia. This isn’t going to work
Bimbo_ex: leave me alone (you should have said that 16.5 years ago and you wouldn’t find yourself in this custody mess. Or this murder mess. And maybe you could have retained an ounce of self respect. What kind of person sleeps with h. )
Traitor_wolfe: it went viral
Traitor_wolfe: he created the internet (oh do not even get me started on this one. Ok, since i used to work for them, i’ll give a shout out to ARPA net and a little proper credit.)
Oh no, the magic computer can’t instantly track down the person who created the website
So of course, the source code will hold the secret to his identity. Have these people ever seen HTML?
Valera: does that garbeldy-guck make sense to you (tell me she did not just say garbeldy-guck. Further. Aren’t you some dna genius or some shit. You mean to tell me you’ve never seen code before.)
Traitor_wolfe: those numbers control the background color and the text, and that one is for the video player (and this is going the help you track the website owner how?)
Valera: like how youtube works.
Traitor_wolfe: this is a different flash video player. In fact, aside for a couple of tweaks, it’s exactly like the one we use….it’s custom coded for us (what videos are you broadcasting on the internet? Why can’t you just use media player like everyone else)
Traitor_wolfe: hey calleigh, it’s me. Yeah, i know who’s messing with you.
So it’s lame ass guy who got fired for stealing dead_but_back_alive_speedle’s credit card. They’re really getting some mileage out of this loser
Fired_guy: now that i finally have the time (methinks you’ve had loads of free time in your life)
How does this unemployed loser have four flat screen monitors and a phat place with an ocean view. Oh yeah, he used a dead guy’s credit card. And why is he so pissed he got fired. Oh that’s right, common sense would tell you that stealing the credit card of a dead employee from the lab and using it is grounds for dismissal. But you, obviously, have no common sense
Calleigh: you do realize that destroying crime scene photos is an obstruction of justice, don’t you? (his career in law enforcement was short lived, he didn’t make it to that part of the training)
Calleigh: you’re not that guy (yes he is. Is this going to turn into some h-helps-him-turn-his-life-around-love-scene)
How does natalia know the logo for a specific type of hunting boot?
Truck_driver: i been in that rest room a million times (they should arrest you on the spot for that. You clearly have no common sense). I’m not your guy
H: who is my guy? (whomever the escort website sends, h. does it really matter to you?)
Truck_driver: he could have been kermit the frog. (someone hands your broke ass 5 large and you have no idea what he looks like?)
H: we all make mistakes ted, this is yours (really, what’s the big deal)
Uh oh bimbo_ex is with ron. Big surprise. And in true h fashion, he just blurts out all the evidence.
Bimbo_ex: you can’t just kill a cop. (uh, why did you get this unstable psycho involved. Oh wait, you’re an unstable psycho. Further, you paid off the dead_lady. I’m pretty sure she wasn’t going to testify with all that cash as incentive to shut her up)
Uh oh, ron’s roughing up bimbo_ex. This won’t end well.
Ron: you still love him don’t you (GROSS)
Bimbo_ex: i can make him disappear. I just need to make one call. I only want to be with you. (BARF)
Bimbo_ex: i need to speak with who’s in charge (that always works)
H: what does he have on you. I want to help you, but this is going to be my last chance. (why do you want to help this bitch? She killed someone)
Bimbo_ex: i don’t need your help (them is fighting words. All women need h’s help). I’m sorry. It’s for your own good (doubtful)
<creepy stare exchanges>
Other_cop_guy: u.s. marshall’s office just notified us that a judge has issued a warrant for your arrest
H: granted to who? (this is the first thing you say?)
Other_cop_guy: you’re being extradited to brazil this afternoon (AFTERNOON. Even tho the sun is setting. You mean to tell me all of this has happened in the time span of like 4 hours). They’re charging you with murder (uh oh, how’s h gonna get out of this little mess)
Calleigh: we’ll hold down the fort
H: i appreciate at that ma’am (no appreciation necessary. It’s their job. They’re being paid)
Other_cop_guy: if you go voluntarily, you wave the right to fight extradition
H: it’s not going to make a difference rick (oh, such the hero)
No cuffs! H is just that trustworthy (i’m curious as to how they’ll wrap this all up in the exciting conclusion. Since we know time stands still in Miami, i imagine Julia will be killed and h will get out of this in less than 20 minutes. Guess that will give h custody of loser kyle)
Weird music choice.
Natalia: this is really scary. The criminals can be studying this.
Nice “Site updating” graphic. How many websites have that. Oh wait, zero.
Wow. They’re really summing up the entire series. bringing up calleigh’s old boyfriend who offed himself. How would that guy even know that.
B_d_d: he’s escalating (and no one has mentioned the cheat sheet yet)
B_d_d: her phone’s off, that’s not like her
Good thing she’s in the hummer. I’m sure b_d_d and the super computer can track her down.
Natalia: he posted her new number!
Website_dude is very casually walking to find out who is beating down his door.
Oh snap, b_d_d broke the door down
B_d_d: <all angry> where is she?
Website_dude: little miss perfect needed to be taken down a notch or two (is that the thing you really say when an agitated person of questionable mental status is in the middle of kicking your ass?)
B_d_d: what if some felon calls her out to a location? you think about that? (editing error there. He said “what if some felon” twice” glad to see they spent 15 whole minutes, writing, shooting, and editing this episode)
B_d_d: something happens to her, cooper, i’m going to come back here and kill you (oh please let something happen to her. I can’t wait to see this!)
Back to rio!
Even the Brazilians call him lieutenant.
That’s a fancy ass police station with a great view.
H: he murdered my wife…he got what was coming to him
Brazilian_police_guy: you testify to that
H: in a real court, i might (implying that brazilian courts aren’t real? I guarantee you that brazilian jail is very real)
H: i admitted to nothing
Brazilian_police_guy: as far as i’m concerned, you are free to go
H: just like that, huh
B_p_g: just like that. But. You should know. You made a lot of enemies the last time you were in rio.
H: this is your way, of saying good luck
B_p_g: i admit to nothing, but, good luck
AND HANDS HIM A GUN.
They dragged him all the way down there for a pass from some local police chief. I hardly think so.
I’m curious to see how brazilian vigilante justice works. Or how they even know h is in town. Where’s his escort from the US gov’t. my ass would be headed straight back to the airport. And while there, i’d probably buy a change of clothes cuz he’s been in that suit for a while.
Oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please say that gunshot was for h!
And calleigh’s all bound and gagged.
This….is….one…heck….of…a…..cliff….hanger. oh wait. I don’t care about these characters. No it’s not.
Ratings:
All the yellow clothing – 1 dead hooker
Fishing with fireworks – 3 dead hookers
Reusing of like every old story line and character – 4 dead hookers
Sun pass – 3 dead hookers
Chloroform – 4 dead hookers
Foul ass truck stop bathroom – -7 dead hookers
The website – 4 dead hookers
B_d_d’s cheat sheet – 5 dead hookers
B_d_d kicking website guy’s ass – 5 dead hookers
Inventing the internet – 4 dead hookers.
Extradition – 4 dead hookers
Bimbo_ex stringing together 2 sentences – 2 dead hookers
Brazilian_vigilante_justice – 4 dead hookers
MAYBE OH MAYBE OH MAYBE H GOT SHOT – 5 dead hookers
Overall: 3.5 dead hookers.
Tivo Description: Horatio’s past comes back to haunt him when Julia has him arrested for murder.
Looks like we’re starting off in the glades. Hope there is a gator involved.
Looks like something out of a Carl Hiaasen story story.
Explosives, teenagers, and alcohol. This should be a fabulous combination. Hey ya’ll watch this…
That arm looks plastic
So the retard jumps in there with gators and god knows what. Is this the murder h’s bimbo ex set up a few episodes ago? I thought that car was red, so maybe not.
Alexx: What are you thinking, Horatio. (well alexx, probably not much. Not a whole lot of activity going on between those ears)
Calleigh: her sunpass is missing
This is not the first episode where the sunpass has been used to track someone. This is why i pay cash for tolls.
Oh what do we have here? B_d_d has some sort of cliff notes on how to do his job. Seriously. All he needs to know is on the equivalent of an index card. Let me guess that this is some sort of “trick” and he’s writing a book or some lame shit.
Fun split screens in the morgue. Just what i needed to see.
Oh here’s dumbass Natalia in white again – but this time a yellow shirt.
Alexx: but the bruising on her wrists and knees indicate she struggled (um, don’t you mean wrist. singular.)
Hold up right now. Do I see H in a lab coat (a white lab coat no less, not his signature black) processing evidence. Well, this case is sure to be screwed up. Or compromised (accreditation! Drink!). i thought for sure he didn’t do any actual work.
Looks like he can use the fancy non-existent-technology-computer as well. Must have had a remedial course at the community college.
And of course, baby_mama’s prints show up
Um, baby_mama, you might want to consider some clothes that don’t make you look like a pole dancer. I’m just sayin’ is all…
DUDE!!!! I swear to you H was, um, checking out the goods!
Baby_mama: somehow i knew you wouldn’t stay away, h
Baby_mama: i watch the news (a likely story)
Baby_mama: anyone could have taken it from my home. There are a lot of people out there with motive to frame me. I’m looking at one right now (wow. These writers are clever. Wonder how this will play out)
H: Julia. You’re in deep trouble (oh i’m so telling teacher on you!)
Baby_mama: why can’t you just believe me (h believes no one except deadbeat hookers)
H: because. <slight pause> I haven’t <dramatic pause> heard the truth yet.
Natalia: case closed, and h gets kyle back in his life (just what kyle needs)
Bimbo_ex_housekeeper: you know as well as i do she’s dangerous. (oh yeah. She’s a criminal mastermind. Pretty nice house for being a housekeeper)
Bimbo_ex_housekeeper: hey, you’re the scientist. (well, it’s obvious you aren’t)
natalia: and you’re the suspect. Again
b_e_h: <blank stares>
natalia: mind telling me how you paid for all this (can she even ask that? How about “none of your business” or “profits from my side job as a high-class hooker”)
yeah. Her “investments” bought her that mansion. From her housekeeper’s salary.
Nice yellow tie traitor_wolfe
Calleigh: all of my crime scene photos are gone (i like how it’s all old school and it’s just a bunch of blank images that show up, rather than something realistic, like blank memory card seeing as you cannot download that which does not exist. How zen. The presence of absence and what not.)
Traitor_wolfe: did you remember to take the lens cap off the camera (is the computer plugged in? this isn’t FILM. If the lens cap were on, you would know it.)
“Better Luck Next Time” shows up all echo-style on the screen
Calleigh: ok, what does that mean (i think it means- better luck next time. Or, through the means of some technology that doesn’t exist, someone is fucking with you. I think a more appropriate question to ask is: WTF?)
Traitor_wolfe: did you let the camera out of your sight
Calleigh: no! well. Maybe for a second (which is it, calleigh. If this were an interrogation, you’d so be in the holding cell right now)
Traitor_wolfe can see there are no prints on the camera card by using the naked eye and a flash light.
Traitor_wolfe: i think someone is trying to sabotage our case (gee, i wonder who that could be? Could it be…..SATAN?)
Traitor_wolfe: it looks like a piece of metal (wow, your powers of perception are so keen)
Calleigh: that looks like the tip of a fishing spear (we’ve gone from “metal” to the “tip of a fishing spear”
Dumbass_money_stealer: i’m pre-law, so i know everything. How else will i be an arrogant attorney some day (this is why you have benjamins held up with clothes pins and are using a hair dryer on them You know what else would work? The dryer. You can wash and dry money. That’t the beauty of it.
Dumbass_money_stealer_2: we’re just two guys in the wrong place (no. you’re two morons who are so fucked up that you go fishing with explosives. And, if you weren’t such retards, you could have gotten away with it. AND, let’s say you’re fishing with explosives and an arm washes up. Now let’s say you’re stupid enough to jump in the drink and see what’s up. You find a car, at least 10 feet down with a dead body in it. the first thing you do is:
a) get the fuck out of dodge
b) call the cops
c) pop the trunk with your fishing spear.
Calleigh: actually, you’re two guys in the center of a murder investigation
Dumbass_money_stealer_2: <blank stare>
DUDE! WTF is kyle wearing. What a fugly-ass sweater vest. I’m sure you don’t get your ass kicked for wearing that shit. All the teenagers wear sweater vests.
<h lurking around corners again>
H: <creepy ass look> how are you?
Kyle: just been trying to settle down. Been trying to sort everything out in my head
H: can i help you with that (ew. That’s gotta be some kind of pick up line)
Kyle: why are you still harassing mom…blah blah
H: son, a woman lost her life
Kyle: please just leave her alone
H: i can’t do that son
Kyle: she’s really, really scared, dad (gross. Don’t call him that. Maybe sperm_donor_144, but not dad)…it has to be because of you!
H: she has no reason to be afraid of me
Kyle: she is <nice combo of whiny and teen angst there>
H: are you sure that’s what going on
Kyle: don’t try to con me. (con him? That’s extreme. Ass-rape, sure. Con, probably not. H isn’t cunning enough to trick a teenager) i came here and said what i need to say. I’m done (yeah. You’re a big tough man. Or a big ol’ mama’s boy. You don’t have enough synapses firing to come up with all that on your own. See also: your sweater)
H: keep your voice down (um, that’s something you say around ages 3-9. it’s a little too late now)
Kyle: i’m not going to let you use me against her (yep. Mama’s boy)
Solve a Crime with Calleigh
Traitor_wolfe: that looks like delko’s hand writing
How convenient that b_d_d’s cheat sheet is now on the internets and it looks like calleigh needs to use it!
Calleigh: that video looks like it was taken by somebody in the crowd. (any other brilliant observations?)
Why does she not want to track down who created this website and stole her camera card?
So traitor_wolfe, kyle, and natalia are all wearing yellow. How very spring-like of them.
Traitor_wolfe: we’re lucky we have them (the license plate photos) because the department of transportation usually throws them away right away (i sincerely doubt that. Isn’t the whole point of those to keep big brother watching you? But, if they say it on csi: Miami, it must be true)
Truck_driver: who the hell are you? (let’s see. Gun. Badge. I’m going to guess…..cop?)
Frank: your nightmare
EW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT BATHROOM MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE
B_d_d: these places aren’t known for their cleanliness. (that’s the most insightful thing you’ve said. Ever. This brings up the question. Who does clean rest stop bathrooms? I’ve never seen one being cleaned. Wonder if it ever happens. That would be a shitty job. No pun intended. Well, maybe a little.)
Oh my god!!!!!!!!!!!! He just picked up a funky ass washcloth that has been sitting on the floor of a truck stop bathroom for god knows how long. AND HE SMELLED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
B_d_d: chloroform (drink!) (what is this, Murder She Wrote? Nancy Drew? Who uses chloroform any more?)
Frank: so she was subdued (well, presuming it is chloroform, and was used on dead_lady, yes frank, that is a brilliant observation)
That split screen of natalia looks like the brady bunch.
H: real estate fraud, and now murder, ron. (that’s quite a leap up the crime ladder)
H: that’s not a cut, that’s a bite mark
Ron: well, i’m not sure you can tell either way, but i told you what happened. (despite the fact that you told h, no one is saying you told the truth, and you just admitted it may, in fact, be a bite mark. Retard. You should apply for a job as a writer for this show)
Ron: can you prove that.
H: That’s…..what i do.
All I know is, this just gives me more reason to never set foot in those bathrooms. Like I needed another one.
Looks like h_love_interest_dead_brother’s_wife needs a paycheck. Her hair has gotten bigger. Why do they need to meet in some secluded gardens? I think her office would work.
Yelena: Julia came to me…she asked me to work for her….about Marisol, and why you went to brazil..(they’re reusing old episodes for story line fodder. Aren’t they all full of fresh ideas from their 3 month vacation? How could this bimbo find out all this stuff about h’s past BEFORE she hired a private investigator) i don’t trust this woman, and i don’t think she’s going to give up easily.
H: neither am i <dramatic exit>
H: Julia, did ron murder Kathleen newbury (i suppose it’s typical to give the entire case away to one of the suspects. It seems like he actually thinks she’s not involved. She’s still wearing the same pole dancer dress, so i guess it’s still the same day)
H: ron is back in town, and i think you’re in contact with him (i thought h and bimbo_ex’s torrid love affair took place in some other part of florida. So being back in town is pretty much irrelevant. Maybe he’s been here all along. And if he came from elsewhere, it was pretty quick because bimbo_ex had like 5 minutes notice before the big trial)
Bimbo_ex: <vacant stare> <neurons trying to fire> we all have skeletons in our closet (so that’s what’s taking up all the room for appropriate clothing), but i’ve left mine behind for kyle. I don’t think you can say the same thing (um, the correct answer is: i had no idea ron was in Miami.)
Bimbo_ex: In Rio, money can buy a lot of information. You murdered this man (what did you do, fly down there and back. Who took care of kyle?!?!?!)
H: <creepy smirk> <weird ass hell flashback with H still all in black> Julia. This isn’t going to work
Bimbo_ex: leave me alone (you should have said that 16.5 years ago and you wouldn’t find yourself in this custody mess. Or this murder mess. And maybe you could have retained an ounce of self respect. What kind of person sleeps with h. )
Traitor_wolfe: it went viral
Traitor_wolfe: he created the internet (oh do not even get me started on this one. Ok, since i used to work for them, i’ll give a shout out to ARPA net and a little proper credit.)
Oh no, the magic computer can’t instantly track down the person who created the website
So of course, the source code will hold the secret to his identity. Have these people ever seen HTML?
Valera: does that garbeldy-guck make sense to you (tell me she did not just say garbeldy-guck. Further. Aren’t you some dna genius or some shit. You mean to tell me you’ve never seen code before.)
Traitor_wolfe: those numbers control the background color and the text, and that one is for the video player (and this is going the help you track the website owner how?)
Valera: like how youtube works.
Traitor_wolfe: this is a different flash video player. In fact, aside for a couple of tweaks, it’s exactly like the one we use….it’s custom coded for us (what videos are you broadcasting on the internet? Why can’t you just use media player like everyone else)
Traitor_wolfe: hey calleigh, it’s me. Yeah, i know who’s messing with you.
So it’s lame ass guy who got fired for stealing dead_but_back_alive_speedle’s credit card. They’re really getting some mileage out of this loser
Fired_guy: now that i finally have the time (methinks you’ve had loads of free time in your life)
How does this unemployed loser have four flat screen monitors and a phat place with an ocean view. Oh yeah, he used a dead guy’s credit card. And why is he so pissed he got fired. Oh that’s right, common sense would tell you that stealing the credit card of a dead employee from the lab and using it is grounds for dismissal. But you, obviously, have no common sense
Calleigh: you do realize that destroying crime scene photos is an obstruction of justice, don’t you? (his career in law enforcement was short lived, he didn’t make it to that part of the training)
Calleigh: you’re not that guy (yes he is. Is this going to turn into some h-helps-him-turn-his-life-around-love-scene)
How does natalia know the logo for a specific type of hunting boot?
Truck_driver: i been in that rest room a million times (they should arrest you on the spot for that. You clearly have no common sense). I’m not your guy
H: who is my guy? (whomever the escort website sends, h. does it really matter to you?)
Truck_driver: he could have been kermit the frog. (someone hands your broke ass 5 large and you have no idea what he looks like?)
H: we all make mistakes ted, this is yours (really, what’s the big deal)
Uh oh bimbo_ex is with ron. Big surprise. And in true h fashion, he just blurts out all the evidence.
Bimbo_ex: you can’t just kill a cop. (uh, why did you get this unstable psycho involved. Oh wait, you’re an unstable psycho. Further, you paid off the dead_lady. I’m pretty sure she wasn’t going to testify with all that cash as incentive to shut her up)
Uh oh, ron’s roughing up bimbo_ex. This won’t end well.
Ron: you still love him don’t you (GROSS)
Bimbo_ex: i can make him disappear. I just need to make one call. I only want to be with you. (BARF)
Bimbo_ex: i need to speak with who’s in charge (that always works)
H: what does he have on you. I want to help you, but this is going to be my last chance. (why do you want to help this bitch? She killed someone)
Bimbo_ex: i don’t need your help (them is fighting words. All women need h’s help). I’m sorry. It’s for your own good (doubtful)
<creepy stare exchanges>
Other_cop_guy: u.s. marshall’s office just notified us that a judge has issued a warrant for your arrest
H: granted to who? (this is the first thing you say?)
Other_cop_guy: you’re being extradited to brazil this afternoon (AFTERNOON. Even tho the sun is setting. You mean to tell me all of this has happened in the time span of like 4 hours). They’re charging you with murder (uh oh, how’s h gonna get out of this little mess)
Calleigh: we’ll hold down the fort
H: i appreciate at that ma’am (no appreciation necessary. It’s their job. They’re being paid)
Other_cop_guy: if you go voluntarily, you wave the right to fight extradition
H: it’s not going to make a difference rick (oh, such the hero)
No cuffs! H is just that trustworthy (i’m curious as to how they’ll wrap this all up in the exciting conclusion. Since we know time stands still in Miami, i imagine Julia will be killed and h will get out of this in less than 20 minutes. Guess that will give h custody of loser kyle)
Weird music choice.
Natalia: this is really scary. The criminals can be studying this.
Nice “Site updating” graphic. How many websites have that. Oh wait, zero.
Wow. They’re really summing up the entire series. bringing up calleigh’s old boyfriend who offed himself. How would that guy even know that.
B_d_d: he’s escalating (and no one has mentioned the cheat sheet yet)
B_d_d: her phone’s off, that’s not like her
Good thing she’s in the hummer. I’m sure b_d_d and the super computer can track her down.
Natalia: he posted her new number!
Website_dude is very casually walking to find out who is beating down his door.
Oh snap, b_d_d broke the door down
B_d_d: <all angry> where is she?
Website_dude: little miss perfect needed to be taken down a notch or two (is that the thing you really say when an agitated person of questionable mental status is in the middle of kicking your ass?)
B_d_d: what if some felon calls her out to a location? you think about that? (editing error there. He said “what if some felon” twice” glad to see they spent 15 whole minutes, writing, shooting, and editing this episode)
B_d_d: something happens to her, cooper, i’m going to come back here and kill you (oh please let something happen to her. I can’t wait to see this!)
Back to rio!
Even the Brazilians call him lieutenant.
That’s a fancy ass police station with a great view.
H: he murdered my wife…he got what was coming to him
Brazilian_police_guy: you testify to that
H: in a real court, i might (implying that brazilian courts aren’t real? I guarantee you that brazilian jail is very real)
H: i admitted to nothing
Brazilian_police_guy: as far as i’m concerned, you are free to go
H: just like that, huh
B_p_g: just like that. But. You should know. You made a lot of enemies the last time you were in rio.
H: this is your way, of saying good luck
B_p_g: i admit to nothing, but, good luck
AND HANDS HIM A GUN.
They dragged him all the way down there for a pass from some local police chief. I hardly think so.
I’m curious to see how brazilian vigilante justice works. Or how they even know h is in town. Where’s his escort from the US gov’t. my ass would be headed straight back to the airport. And while there, i’d probably buy a change of clothes cuz he’s been in that suit for a while.
Oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please say that gunshot was for h!
And calleigh’s all bound and gagged.
This….is….one…heck….of…a…..cliff….hanger. oh wait. I don’t care about these characters. No it’s not.
Ratings:
All the yellow clothing – 1 dead hooker
Fishing with fireworks – 3 dead hookers
Reusing of like every old story line and character – 4 dead hookers
Sun pass – 3 dead hookers
Chloroform – 4 dead hookers
Foul ass truck stop bathroom – -7 dead hookers
The website – 4 dead hookers
B_d_d’s cheat sheet – 5 dead hookers
B_d_d kicking website guy’s ass – 5 dead hookers
Inventing the internet – 4 dead hookers.
Extradition – 4 dead hookers
Bimbo_ex stringing together 2 sentences – 2 dead hookers
Brazilian_vigilante_justice – 4 dead hookers
MAYBE OH MAYBE OH MAYBE H GOT SHOT – 5 dead hookers
Overall: 3.5 dead hookers.
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