Ambush - 3/31/08

Ambush
Tivo Description: Horatio’s past comes back to haunt him when Julia has him arrested for murder.

Looks like we’re starting off in the glades. Hope there is a gator involved.
Looks like something out of a Carl Hiaasen story story.

Explosives, teenagers, and alcohol. This should be a fabulous combination. Hey ya’ll watch this…

That arm looks plastic

So the retard jumps in there with gators and god knows what. Is this the murder h’s bimbo ex set up a few episodes ago? I thought that car was red, so maybe not.

Alexx: What are you thinking, Horatio. (well alexx, probably not much. Not a whole lot of activity going on between those ears)

Calleigh: her sunpass is missing
This is not the first episode where the sunpass has been used to track someone. This is why i pay cash for tolls.

Oh what do we have here? B_d_d has some sort of cliff notes on how to do his job. Seriously. All he needs to know is on the equivalent of an index card. Let me guess that this is some sort of “trick” and he’s writing a book or some lame shit.

Fun split screens in the morgue. Just what i needed to see.

Oh here’s dumbass Natalia in white again – but this time a yellow shirt.

Alexx: but the bruising on her wrists and knees indicate she struggled (um, don’t you mean wrist. singular.)

Hold up right now. Do I see H in a lab coat (a white lab coat no less, not his signature black) processing evidence. Well, this case is sure to be screwed up. Or compromised (accreditation! Drink!). i thought for sure he didn’t do any actual work.

Looks like he can use the fancy non-existent-technology-computer as well. Must have had a remedial course at the community college.

And of course, baby_mama’s prints show up

Um, baby_mama, you might want to consider some clothes that don’t make you look like a pole dancer. I’m just sayin’ is all…
DUDE!!!! I swear to you H was, um, checking out the goods!

Baby_mama: somehow i knew you wouldn’t stay away, h
Baby_mama: i watch the news (a likely story)
Baby_mama: anyone could have taken it from my home. There are a lot of people out there with motive to frame me. I’m looking at one right now (wow. These writers are clever. Wonder how this will play out)

H: Julia. You’re in deep trouble (oh i’m so telling teacher on you!)
Baby_mama: why can’t you just believe me (h believes no one except deadbeat hookers)
H: because. <slight pause> I haven’t <dramatic pause> heard the truth yet.

Natalia: case closed, and h gets kyle back in his life (just what kyle needs)

Bimbo_ex_housekeeper: you know as well as i do she’s dangerous. (oh yeah. She’s a criminal mastermind. Pretty nice house for being a housekeeper)

Bimbo_ex_housekeeper: hey, you’re the scientist. (well, it’s obvious you aren’t)
natalia: and you’re the suspect. Again
b_e_h: <blank stares>
natalia: mind telling me how you paid for all this (can she even ask that? How about “none of your business” or “profits from my side job as a high-class hooker”)

yeah. Her “investments” bought her that mansion. From her housekeeper’s salary.

Nice yellow tie traitor_wolfe

Calleigh: all of my crime scene photos are gone (i like how it’s all old school and it’s just a bunch of blank images that show up, rather than something realistic, like blank memory card seeing as you cannot download that which does not exist. How zen. The presence of absence and what not.)

Traitor_wolfe: did you remember to take the lens cap off the camera (is the computer plugged in? this isn’t FILM. If the lens cap were on, you would know it.)

“Better Luck Next Time” shows up all echo-style on the screen
Calleigh: ok, what does that mean (i think it means- better luck next time. Or, through the means of some technology that doesn’t exist, someone is fucking with you. I think a more appropriate question to ask is: WTF?)

Traitor_wolfe: did you let the camera out of your sight
Calleigh: no! well. Maybe for a second (which is it, calleigh. If this were an interrogation, you’d so be in the holding cell right now)

Traitor_wolfe can see there are no prints on the camera card by using the naked eye and a flash light.

Traitor_wolfe: i think someone is trying to sabotage our case (gee, i wonder who that could be? Could it be…..SATAN?)

Traitor_wolfe: it looks like a piece of metal (wow, your powers of perception are so keen)
Calleigh: that looks like the tip of a fishing spear (we’ve gone from “metal” to the “tip of a fishing spear”

Dumbass_money_stealer: i’m pre-law, so i know everything. How else will i be an arrogant attorney some day (this is why you have benjamins held up with clothes pins and are using a hair dryer on them You know what else would work? The dryer. You can wash and dry money. That’t the beauty of it.

Dumbass_money_stealer_2: we’re just two guys in the wrong place (no. you’re two morons who are so fucked up that you go fishing with explosives. And, if you weren’t such retards, you could have gotten away with it. AND, let’s say you’re fishing with explosives and an arm washes up. Now let’s say you’re stupid enough to jump in the drink and see what’s up. You find a car, at least 10 feet down with a dead body in it. the first thing you do is:
a) get the fuck out of dodge
b) call the cops
c) pop the trunk with your fishing spear.

Calleigh: actually, you’re two guys in the center of a murder investigation

Dumbass_money_stealer_2: <blank stare>

DUDE! WTF is kyle wearing. What a fugly-ass sweater vest. I’m sure you don’t get your ass kicked for wearing that shit. All the teenagers wear sweater vests.

<h lurking around corners again>

H: <creepy ass look> how are you?
Kyle: just been trying to settle down. Been trying to sort everything out in my head
H: can i help you with that (ew. That’s gotta be some kind of pick up line)
Kyle: why are you still harassing mom…blah blah
H: son, a woman lost her life
Kyle: please just leave her alone
H: i can’t do that son
Kyle: she’s really, really scared, dad (gross. Don’t call him that. Maybe sperm_donor_144, but not dad)…it has to be because of you!
H: she has no reason to be afraid of me
Kyle: she is <nice combo of whiny and teen angst there>
H: are you sure that’s what going on
Kyle: don’t try to con me. (con him? That’s extreme. Ass-rape, sure. Con, probably not. H isn’t cunning enough to trick a teenager) i came here and said what i need to say. I’m done (yeah. You’re a big tough man. Or a big ol’ mama’s boy. You don’t have enough synapses firing to come up with all that on your own. See also: your sweater)
H: keep your voice down (um, that’s something you say around ages 3-9. it’s a little too late now)
Kyle: i’m not going to let you use me against her (yep. Mama’s boy)

Solve a Crime with Calleigh
Traitor_wolfe: that looks like delko’s hand writing

How convenient that b_d_d’s cheat sheet is now on the internets and it looks like calleigh needs to use it!

Calleigh: that video looks like it was taken by somebody in the crowd. (any other brilliant observations?)

Why does she not want to track down who created this website and stole her camera card?

So traitor_wolfe, kyle, and natalia are all wearing yellow. How very spring-like of them.

Traitor_wolfe: we’re lucky we have them (the license plate photos) because the department of transportation usually throws them away right away (i sincerely doubt that. Isn’t the whole point of those to keep big brother watching you? But, if they say it on csi: Miami, it must be true)

Truck_driver: who the hell are you? (let’s see. Gun. Badge. I’m going to guess…..cop?)
Frank: your nightmare

EW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT BATHROOM MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE

B_d_d: these places aren’t known for their cleanliness. (that’s the most insightful thing you’ve said. Ever. This brings up the question. Who does clean rest stop bathrooms? I’ve never seen one being cleaned. Wonder if it ever happens. That would be a shitty job. No pun intended. Well, maybe a little.)

Oh my god!!!!!!!!!!!! He just picked up a funky ass washcloth that has been sitting on the floor of a truck stop bathroom for god knows how long. AND HE SMELLED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

B_d_d: chloroform (drink!) (what is this, Murder She Wrote? Nancy Drew? Who uses chloroform any more?)
Frank: so she was subdued (well, presuming it is chloroform, and was used on dead_lady, yes frank, that is a brilliant observation)

That split screen of natalia looks like the brady bunch.

H: real estate fraud, and now murder, ron. (that’s quite a leap up the crime ladder)
H: that’s not a cut, that’s a bite mark
Ron: well, i’m not sure you can tell either way, but i told you what happened. (despite the fact that you told h, no one is saying you told the truth, and you just admitted it may, in fact, be a bite mark. Retard. You should apply for a job as a writer for this show)

Ron: can you prove that.
H: That’s…..what i do.

All I know is, this just gives me more reason to never set foot in those bathrooms. Like I needed another one.

Looks like h_love_interest_dead_brother’s_wife needs a paycheck. Her hair has gotten bigger. Why do they need to meet in some secluded gardens? I think her office would work.

Yelena: Julia came to me…she asked me to work for her….about Marisol, and why you went to brazil..(they’re reusing old episodes for story line fodder. Aren’t they all full of fresh ideas from their 3 month vacation? How could this bimbo find out all this stuff about h’s past BEFORE she hired a private investigator) i don’t trust this woman, and i don’t think she’s going to give up easily.
H: neither am i <dramatic exit>

H: Julia, did ron murder Kathleen newbury (i suppose it’s typical to give the entire case away to one of the suspects. It seems like he actually thinks she’s not involved. She’s still wearing the same pole dancer dress, so i guess it’s still the same day)

H: ron is back in town, and i think you’re in contact with him (i thought h and bimbo_ex’s torrid love affair took place in some other part of florida. So being back in town is pretty much irrelevant. Maybe he’s been here all along. And if he came from elsewhere, it was pretty quick because bimbo_ex had like 5 minutes notice before the big trial)
Bimbo_ex: <vacant stare> <neurons trying to fire> we all have skeletons in our closet (so that’s what’s taking up all the room for appropriate clothing), but i’ve left mine behind for kyle. I don’t think you can say the same thing (um, the correct answer is: i had no idea ron was in Miami.)
Bimbo_ex: In Rio, money can buy a lot of information. You murdered this man (what did you do, fly down there and back. Who took care of kyle?!?!?!)
H: <creepy smirk> <weird ass hell flashback with H still all in black> Julia. This isn’t going to work
Bimbo_ex: leave me alone (you should have said that 16.5 years ago and you wouldn’t find yourself in this custody mess. Or this murder mess. And maybe you could have retained an ounce of self respect. What kind of person sleeps with h. )

Traitor_wolfe: it went viral
Traitor_wolfe: he created the internet (oh do not even get me started on this one. Ok, since i used to work for them, i’ll give a shout out to ARPA net and a little proper credit.)

Oh no, the magic computer can’t instantly track down the person who created the website
So of course, the source code will hold the secret to his identity. Have these people ever seen HTML?

Valera: does that garbeldy-guck make sense to you (tell me she did not just say garbeldy-guck. Further. Aren’t you some dna genius or some shit. You mean to tell me you’ve never seen code before.)

Traitor_wolfe: those numbers control the background color and the text, and that one is for the video player (and this is going the help you track the website owner how?)
Valera: like how youtube works.
Traitor_wolfe: this is a different flash video player. In fact, aside for a couple of tweaks, it’s exactly like the one we use….it’s custom coded for us (what videos are you broadcasting on the internet? Why can’t you just use media player like everyone else)

Traitor_wolfe: hey calleigh, it’s me. Yeah, i know who’s messing with you.

So it’s lame ass guy who got fired for stealing dead_but_back_alive_speedle’s credit card. They’re really getting some mileage out of this loser

Fired_guy: now that i finally have the time (methinks you’ve had loads of free time in your life)
How does this unemployed loser have four flat screen monitors and a phat place with an ocean view. Oh yeah, he used a dead guy’s credit card. And why is he so pissed he got fired. Oh that’s right, common sense would tell you that stealing the credit card of a dead employee from the lab and using it is grounds for dismissal. But you, obviously, have no common sense

Calleigh: you do realize that destroying crime scene photos is an obstruction of justice, don’t you? (his career in law enforcement was short lived, he didn’t make it to that part of the training)

Calleigh: you’re not that guy (yes he is. Is this going to turn into some h-helps-him-turn-his-life-around-love-scene)

How does natalia know the logo for a specific type of hunting boot?

Truck_driver: i been in that rest room a million times (they should arrest you on the spot for that. You clearly have no common sense). I’m not your guy
H: who is my guy? (whomever the escort website sends, h. does it really matter to you?)

Truck_driver: he could have been kermit the frog. (someone hands your broke ass 5 large and you have no idea what he looks like?)

H: we all make mistakes ted, this is yours (really, what’s the big deal)

Uh oh bimbo_ex is with ron. Big surprise. And in true h fashion, he just blurts out all the evidence.

Bimbo_ex: you can’t just kill a cop. (uh, why did you get this unstable psycho involved. Oh wait, you’re an unstable psycho. Further, you paid off the dead_lady. I’m pretty sure she wasn’t going to testify with all that cash as incentive to shut her up)

Uh oh, ron’s roughing up bimbo_ex. This won’t end well.

Ron: you still love him don’t you (GROSS)
Bimbo_ex: i can make him disappear. I just need to make one call. I only want to be with you. (BARF)

Bimbo_ex: i need to speak with who’s in charge (that always works)

H: what does he have on you. I want to help you, but this is going to be my last chance. (why do you want to help this bitch? She killed someone)
Bimbo_ex: i don’t need your help (them is fighting words. All women need h’s help). I’m sorry. It’s for your own good (doubtful)

<creepy stare exchanges>

Other_cop_guy: u.s. marshall’s office just notified us that a judge has issued a warrant for your arrest
H: granted to who? (this is the first thing you say?)
Other_cop_guy: you’re being extradited to brazil this afternoon (AFTERNOON. Even tho the sun is setting. You mean to tell me all of this has happened in the time span of like 4 hours). They’re charging you with murder (uh oh, how’s h gonna get out of this little mess)

Calleigh: we’ll hold down the fort
H: i appreciate at that ma’am (no appreciation necessary. It’s their job. They’re being paid)

Other_cop_guy: if you go voluntarily, you wave the right to fight extradition
H: it’s not going to make a difference rick (oh, such the hero)

No cuffs! H is just that trustworthy (i’m curious as to how they’ll wrap this all up in the exciting conclusion. Since we know time stands still in Miami, i imagine Julia will be killed and h will get out of this in less than 20 minutes. Guess that will give h custody of loser kyle)

Weird music choice.

Natalia: this is really scary. The criminals can be studying this.

Nice “Site updating” graphic. How many websites have that. Oh wait, zero.

Wow. They’re really summing up the entire series. bringing up calleigh’s old boyfriend who offed himself. How would that guy even know that.

B_d_d: he’s escalating (and no one has mentioned the cheat sheet yet)

B_d_d: her phone’s off, that’s not like her

Good thing she’s in the hummer. I’m sure b_d_d and the super computer can track her down.

Natalia: he posted her new number!

Website_dude is very casually walking to find out who is beating down his door.

Oh snap, b_d_d broke the door down

B_d_d: <all angry> where is she?

Website_dude: little miss perfect needed to be taken down a notch or two (is that the thing you really say when an agitated person of questionable mental status is in the middle of kicking your ass?)

B_d_d: what if some felon calls her out to a location? you think about that? (editing error there. He said “what if some felon” twice” glad to see they spent 15 whole minutes, writing, shooting, and editing this episode)

B_d_d: something happens to her, cooper, i’m going to come back here and kill you (oh please let something happen to her. I can’t wait to see this!)

Back to rio!

Even the Brazilians call him lieutenant.

That’s a fancy ass police station with a great view.

H: he murdered my wife…he got what was coming to him

Brazilian_police_guy: you testify to that
H: in a real court, i might (implying that brazilian courts aren’t real? I guarantee you that brazilian jail is very real)
H: i admitted to nothing
Brazilian_police_guy: as far as i’m concerned, you are free to go
H: just like that, huh
B_p_g: just like that. But. You should know. You made a lot of enemies the last time you were in rio.
H: this is your way, of saying good luck
B_p_g: i admit to nothing, but, good luck
AND HANDS HIM A GUN.
They dragged him all the way down there for a pass from some local police chief. I hardly think so.

I’m curious to see how brazilian vigilante justice works. Or how they even know h is in town. Where’s his escort from the US gov’t. my ass would be headed straight back to the airport. And while there, i’d probably buy a change of clothes cuz he’s been in that suit for a while.

Oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please say that gunshot was for h!

And calleigh’s all bound and gagged.

This….is….one…heck….of…a…..cliff….hanger. oh wait. I don’t care about these characters. No it’s not.


Ratings:

All the yellow clothing – 1 dead hooker
Fishing with fireworks – 3 dead hookers
Reusing of like every old story line and character – 4 dead hookers
Sun pass – 3 dead hookers
Chloroform – 4 dead hookers
Foul ass truck stop bathroom – -7 dead hookers
The website – 4 dead hookers
B_d_d’s cheat sheet – 5 dead hookers
B_d_d kicking website guy’s ass – 5 dead hookers
Inventing the internet – 4 dead hookers.
Extradition – 4 dead hookers
Bimbo_ex stringing together 2 sentences – 2 dead hookers
Brazilian_vigilante_justice – 4 dead hookers
MAYBE OH MAYBE OH MAYBE H GOT SHOT – 5 dead hookers

Overall: 3.5 dead hookers.