All In - 4/1/08

All In
Tivo Description: Horatio deals with his past; the team races to save Calleigh from kidnappers. (oh the exciting conclusion. I am breathless with anticipation)

Damn. Looks like h didn’t get shot. There go my dreams of a happy ending.

6 bad asses who don’t have to worry about prison vs. h. gee, i wonder how this will end.

More exploding captions. I guess Portuguese needs to be in bold and explode on the screen, just like Spanish.

Oh really, H speaks Portuguese. I guess he’s a master of world languages in his spare time.

HOLD UP. You mean to tell me not one of these other guys gets one shot off while H guns down their friends.

Uh oh, here come the motorcycles. Lemme guess, H will take each of them out with one shot as well. Yup. I was right.

How many rounds does this gun have. H is one hell of a shot, hitting the moving targets. Esp. the motorcycles. Impressive.

Oh like that knife is going to help you against h.

H: Mala Noche justice, meet Miami justice. (CLASSIC!!!!!!!!!) <shoots him between the eyes>

Do i really even need to analyze how ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY ridiculous this entire scene was. H takes out about 10 people, the majority with one shot, while no one else gets a shot off. Most of the targets are moving and motivated to gun him down. I want these 3 minutes of my life back.

Oh how cute, b_d_d came to meet h at the airport. What no hug, no kiss? I was sure these two were going to start running towards each other.

b_d_d: calleigh was abducted. We searched for her all night. (what?!!? There is night in Miami? So it looks like it’s early morning in Miami. H flew to Rio, shot up like 15 people, and flew back all in the time span of like 12 hours. And after all that killing, some at close range, he has not found it necessary to change his damn clothes.

Frank: whoever did this was smart enough to disable the gps tracking unit. (well, that eliminates you frank)

H: ambush (in Miami)
H: get that to the lab (drink!) and i’ll catch up with you gentlemen later (preferably at a gentlemen’s club, i’m sure)

Frank: what the hell you think happened in Brazil? (what happens in Brazil, stays in Brazil)
B_d_d: he didn’t say. I’m just glad he’s back (yes, those 12 hours must have been tough for you b_d_d)

Traitor_wolfe, still in yellow.

Chloroform again! Better call in Scooby and the gang!

Ron: horatio, as i told you…before…you…were…arrested….for….murder...in….Brazil (he speaks at the same rate his neurons fire, apparently.)

Ron: i want to…uh…thank…you..for…Brazil (oh the times you boys must have had there.) um, worked out really well for the two of us, because, uh, Julia and i, we got back together. (oh no he didn’t!!!! you might as well just sign your death certificate right now. H has no problem gunning down anyone who stands in his way, quite literally). Best of luck finding your csi
H: if anything happens to my csi, this will be your last week on earth (doing the gene pool a favor there)

I can’t believe these two idiots pulled off this kidnapping and murder.

Calleigh: that bullet smells like garlic (WHAT?!?!?)

Calleigh: the smell of the cigar will mask the smell of decomp (drink!)

Dumbass_robber1: you’re not a stupid as you look (if that’s our litmus test, then how does anyone on this show manage to remember to breathe?)

Kyle is still in that fugly ass sweater vest and Julia is still in the pole dancer dress, although i imagine she’s got a closet full). I guess they shot both of these episodes in about 45 minutes, total.

H, lurking in the shadows, yet again.

Julia: he’s living with us now (wow, you have high standards. Rich husband was shot and killed about a week ago, you’re all of a sudden mommy to long_lost_son, and now psycho_ex has moved in. i guess you have an adjustment period of one day. Is the other guy even buried yet?)

H: if you stay with this man, you and kyle are gonna die (way to throw in the dramatics, h).

<creepy slo-mo staring scenes>
Guess those two aren’t long for this world.

Dumbass_robber1: i thought me and you could waste a little time
Calleigh: i’d rather die than have you touch me (fair enough)

Calleigh: i don’t think you killed the poker player (oh, what a fun twist this will be.)

Just to make sure I’m following this. H can take down an entire gang and get back to Miami in time for work, but Calleigh, who I’m assuming is trained in disarming people, can’t get the gun off one dude. Both scenarios are so divergent from reality, and that was before the chloroform was in the picture.

Dumbass_robber2: It’s not like there’s a store that sells everything on earth, seth (apparently wal-mart does not exist in Miami. Also, he used the dude’s name. although, i guess it doesn’t matter cuz calleigh can obviously ID them both. Why aren’t these two fucktards wearing masks?)

Toilet cleaner, stereo wire, a mug, and corkscrew. What the fuck is she making. Am I watching MacGyver? Conveniently, there’s a corkscrew there.

Calleigh: blah, blah, blah, blah scientific stuff. It’s basic chemistry

Dumbass_robber2: <vacant stare> (i just noticed, this idiot is all in white too! Guess there was no blood spatter (drink!) from the shooting)

Calleigh: Arsenic poisoning. (ah, now the garlic makes sense)

B_d_d: You’re not allowed in here!... yeah she’s still missing, she’s been abducted
So fired_guy hands over the memory card from the first crime scene, in hopes that it will help them find calleigh. How on earth is that going to work. They found her because of your dumbass website. But i’m sure these two jokers will have been in the crowd at the crime scene, because that is way more unrealistic, so makes perfect sense in Miami.

B_d_d and natalia: quit bickering!

Traitor_wolfe must be color blind. That blue jacket and yellow shirt/tie combo, yikes!!!!

I don’t think you need to ask a city employee more than once to take a break.

Lucky traitor_wolfe found the string in under .3 seconds.

So i guess Ron hasn’t changed his outfit since he pushed the car in the water a week ago.

Ron: why, horatio, would i bother ….with a csi? Why would i do that when i’ve got what i need. I’ve got Julia back. (his biggest problem here is he calls h, “horatio,” instead of “lieutenant”)
H: and we both know how that happened, don’t we?
Ron: By killing the Newbury lady, ok? You’re never going to prove that. Never
H: I just did. (like i said, this guy hasn’t changed his clothes at all. Also. You’d think he’d notice his shoelace broke, and i dunno, dump those shoes in a dumpster in ft. Lauderdale and go to the outlets with all of Julia’s money and get like 50 new pairs)
Ron: not after i talk to the state attorney…blah, blah, blah…
H: nice try ron <creepy stare>

Wow, this Ron dude is KRAZY banging his head all on the table like that. I imagine there are cameras in these interrogation rooms, guess he’s not so smart.

Hey, Ron is wearing that pinky ring like all the Canadian engineers.

H: just remember what i said ron
Ron: i will, i’m going to go to Julia now. (krazy is as krazy does). I’ll say hi to your son for you. (dude, he’s just asking for an execution style killing in a dark alley)
H: do that

The crazy plastic opening and closing like a crater in the earth is like the single bullet theory in the JFK murder.

Loser_gun_owner: i don’t even have the gun any more (oh that old, tired, excuse)….lost it in a poker game last night
Frank: what, no one could change a hundred?
L_g_o: i’ve lost my watch, my boat, maxed out my visa, the gun was all i had on me (heard of GA?)
B_d_d: no legal casino’s gonna allow you you bet with a gun (REALLY?? You don’t say b_d_d)
Frank: sounds like an underground game to me (wow frank. Thanks for restating the obvious. The rest of us got it when he said “i lost my gun in a poker game”)

B_d_d: one of our own csi’s was abducted with that gun (would they really tell him that much detail?)

Frank: we’ve already got you on illegal gambling, sport, it’s time to show your cards (oh that is just SO clever. I don’t see why he wouldn’t tell them where the game was. He’s got to know it will help him)

L_g_o: i think it was 1429 Wimberly. (good thing you remember the exact address. Got the zip code too?)

B_d_d: you better hope you’re right (i’m sure getting you close enough should be sufficient. You are the cops. And i imagine he has the exact address written down somewhere)

Why is b_d_d calling h with the address, he’s got frank right there, and frank is the one who should be going, cuz he is the cop.

Guess calleigh should have stayed put.

So h and b_d_d break down the doors, and no sign of frank.

Oh the old finger print message trick! She’s awfully precise making perfect numbers with her hands, literally, tied behind her back.

B_d_d: it’s the number 60
H: 60 is the police code for a two man unit (cuz b_d_d wouldn’t know that? Well, maybe not). She’s leaving us a message b_d_d
B_d_d: She’s telling us she was taken by two men, which means she was alive when she left this room (no. she was alive when she thumbed the message) (dude. Is this first year English where you repeat everything like 7 times. Hello. How are you? I am doing fine. How are you? Would you like some coffee? Yes, I would like some coffee? Would you like milk in your coffee? Yes, I would like milk in my coffee. Could this be anymore stiff? Further, i watched the real csi the other night, and they didn’t repeat basic information over and over. Almost like you could figure out what “two man unit” means without 17 explanations. Now wonder this show is popular in non-English speaking countries.)
H: but for how long (gratuitous flash back to like 10 minutes ago)

Pompous_guy: excuse me what’s going on
H: <does not turn to look at the guy> and you are
P_g: blah, blah, lofts… nobody is supposed to be in it.
H: well someone was murdered, and now they’re on their way to the coroner’s office
P_g: you people really need to step up the patrols around here (uh oh, guilty!)

H: a man was shot and killed and found next to a poker table, does that ring a bell
P_g: a poker table <incredulous>. First murder and now illegal gambling (um. I think murder is just a teensy bit more of a problem than a card game). What am i supposed to do, build a moat.
H: you can start with security cameras. (yes, let’s keep big brother watching our every move in the name of “security”. I can’t wait to the panopticon turns on you, h!)

Wow, pretty nice “warehouse”
Calleigh: i’m going to need the black light
Dumbass_robber1: what do you need that for (have you never seen dateline??!!)

Calleigh: this is where robert was shot
Dumbass_robber1: what the hell man, i thought you said you cleaned it <gun to the head of dumbass_robber2> (this guy is a little too quick to point the gun at someone’s head. He’s bound to shoot himself like any second now.)
Dumbass_robber2: i did, i swear (duh, you guys learned the bleach trick AFTER you cleaned the first crime scene)

Dumbass_robber2: when we axed him for the address, he, like freaked out….(so….as far as i can tell, the guy just keeled over, and these two idiots decide to shoot him and move the body, rather than just walking away, or, i dunno, making an anonymous 911 call)

Calleigh: go to the medicine cabinet, see if you can find some iodine
Dumbass_robber2: why
Calleigh: you’ll see (she’s pretty much walked on water up until now, yet they still question her. Stupid people usually believe whatever you tell them.)

See, anyone can be a csi with things you find in your house. Isn’t science fun.

Dumbass_robber1: woah, woah, stop. What are you trying to do. Start a fire. Get the cops here (actually, the fire dept. would probably show up)
Calleigh: This is called a fuming chamber, the smoke is supposed to be there, the hot print is going to stick to any chemical that is on the flask (man, this guy is a right moron. That little amount of smoke and he’s freaking)

Dumbass_robber1: do i look stupid to you? (very)

Dumbass_robber2: you can have my prints, i trust you (first mistake. And dumbass_robber1 doesn’t put the gun to his head over giving up his prints?!?!? And why does it matter if they’re excluded, you don’t have your super-print-finder computer there to find a match. And, if i were going to bet, i’d say the dead guy’s prints would be all over that thing)

Let me guess. Dumbass_robber2 is gonna bring that flask straight to h.

Alexx: his heart showed signs of cardiac arrest
H: he had a heart attack? (no, he went to heart jail.)
Alexx: acute arsenic toxicity (said extra slow cuz that is a hard word to read)
H: so the poisoning caused the heart attack (tell me this episode is some sort of cruel april fools joke)

Ah, the cigar. Guess he shouldn’t have made calleigh pick it up.

Alexx: you’re saying that like it makes perfect sense (i’m sure very little makes sense to you, alexx)

Natalia: so you’re saying that calleigh left this in the wound track for us to find?
H: i am (of course!)

Called it. flask right to h! (drink!)

So. Frank and H are talking police stuff and some sketchy dude is lurking in the shadows and h stops his conversation to see if he needs directions or a quarter for a payphone?

H: does this have to do with the missing csi? (way to show all your cards, h. want some free advice? Don’t go to those high entry poker games)

H: where is the missing csi, right now?
Dumbass_robber2: 7501 witlock (these dummies and their recall for addresses is amazing. I don’t even know my own address most days)

H: 7501 witlock. Get SWAT. (the swat team?!?!? Seriously. How many times has the swat team been called out for calleigh this season.)

The landlord, told you!

H: so he’s a liar. Bring him in.

B_d_d: do you know where csi Duquesne is? If you do you better tell me. Lt. Caine is working on the killer’s fingerprints and if they match yours, i’m not going to be so nice a second time.

Dumbass_robber1: we’re about to pull off the biggest heist in underground Miami (oh, this will end well for you)

So dumbass_robber2 couldn’t get his shit together fast enough to find h in a timely manner and get the po-po there before dumbass_robber1 got scared. Secondly, wouldn’t have real cops sent him back with the bleach and followed him so as not to let dumbass_robber1 know they were on to him.

H in the lab coat again. They’ll never find calleigh now.

So if l_g_o were smart, he’d say he took a swig off the flask.

L_g_o: all paid for by my kid’s college fund (1. who’s dumbass fault is that. 2. why are parents under this mistaken notion that they are responsible for paying for their kids to go to school)
L_g_o: i had to win some back…for my family (h should let you off now, seeing as he’s a dad too!)

L_g_o: freaked when i saw the CSI decal (LOSER)
H: i don’t blame you.

Baking soda and grape juice!!!!

Natalia: invisible ink.

Yes, most people open the door immediately when the cops show up during the middle of your illegal poker game.

OH MY GOD…..how cheesy is this, with them all guns a’blazing. It’s like the lamest reservoir dogs rip off EVER!

Dumbass_robber1: <comprehension sinking in>
H: you’re not going to get the chance

And now calleigh can get =the gun off him, no problem.
Calleigh: you messed with the wrong people.

And there’s b_d_d to comfort her.

B_d_d: you gonna take some time off
Calleigh: i just wanna go home
B_d_d: you’re not going home alone (b_d_d, this is NOT your in. plus, i’m sure boy-toy cop is there waiting)
Calleigh: i’m fine, i promise (leave me alone you brain damaged FREAK)
B_d_d: i’m not. I don’t know what i would have done if something would have happened to you today (oh my god, i just puked in my mouth)
Calleigh: ok (way to stand your ground calleigh)
GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS

H please change your clothes.

Jerry Bruckheimer, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Ratings:
H’s incredible aim: 1 dead hooker
Gangsters not shooting back: 1 dead hooker
H wearing the same clothes for like 3 days, after two mach speed flights and 10 dead bodies: 3 dead hookers
Chloroform: 3 dead hookers and 1 Scooby snack
Calleigh as MacGyver: 4 dead hookers
Arsenic poisoning: 4 dead hookers
Address recall: 3 dead hookers
Ron’s inability to speak more than one word per 5 seconds: 4 dead hookers
Thumbprints and invisible ink: 5 dead hookers
2 most unbelievable robbers/kidnappers ever: 4 dead hookers
B_d_d/Calleigh: 1 dead hooker, 1 puke bucket

Overall: 3.5 dead hookers.