All In
Tivo Description: Horatio deals with his past; the team races to save Calleigh from kidnappers. (oh the exciting conclusion. I am breathless with anticipation)
Damn. Looks like h didn’t get shot. There go my dreams of a happy ending.
6 bad asses who don’t have to worry about prison vs. h. gee, i wonder how this will end.
More exploding captions. I guess Portuguese needs to be in bold and explode on the screen, just like Spanish.
Oh really, H speaks Portuguese. I guess he’s a master of world languages in his spare time.
HOLD UP. You mean to tell me not one of these other guys gets one shot off while H guns down their friends.
Uh oh, here come the motorcycles. Lemme guess, H will take each of them out with one shot as well. Yup. I was right.
How many rounds does this gun have. H is one hell of a shot, hitting the moving targets. Esp. the motorcycles. Impressive.
Oh like that knife is going to help you against h.
H: Mala Noche justice, meet Miami justice. (CLASSIC!!!!!!!!!) <shoots him between the eyes>
Do i really even need to analyze how ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY ridiculous this entire scene was. H takes out about 10 people, the majority with one shot, while no one else gets a shot off. Most of the targets are moving and motivated to gun him down. I want these 3 minutes of my life back.
Oh how cute, b_d_d came to meet h at the airport. What no hug, no kiss? I was sure these two were going to start running towards each other.
b_d_d: calleigh was abducted. We searched for her all night. (what?!!? There is night in Miami? So it looks like it’s early morning in Miami. H flew to Rio, shot up like 15 people, and flew back all in the time span of like 12 hours. And after all that killing, some at close range, he has not found it necessary to change his damn clothes.
Frank: whoever did this was smart enough to disable the gps tracking unit. (well, that eliminates you frank)
H: ambush (in Miami)
H: get that to the lab (drink!) and i’ll catch up with you gentlemen later (preferably at a gentlemen’s club, i’m sure)
Frank: what the hell you think happened in Brazil? (what happens in Brazil, stays in Brazil)
B_d_d: he didn’t say. I’m just glad he’s back (yes, those 12 hours must have been tough for you b_d_d)
Traitor_wolfe, still in yellow.
Chloroform again! Better call in Scooby and the gang!
Ron: horatio, as i told you…before…you…were…arrested….for….murder...in….Brazil (he speaks at the same rate his neurons fire, apparently.)
Ron: i want to…uh…thank…you..for…Brazil (oh the times you boys must have had there.) um, worked out really well for the two of us, because, uh, Julia and i, we got back together. (oh no he didn’t!!!! you might as well just sign your death certificate right now. H has no problem gunning down anyone who stands in his way, quite literally). Best of luck finding your csi
H: if anything happens to my csi, this will be your last week on earth (doing the gene pool a favor there)
I can’t believe these two idiots pulled off this kidnapping and murder.
Calleigh: that bullet smells like garlic (WHAT?!?!?)
Calleigh: the smell of the cigar will mask the smell of decomp (drink!)
Dumbass_robber1: you’re not a stupid as you look (if that’s our litmus test, then how does anyone on this show manage to remember to breathe?)
Kyle is still in that fugly ass sweater vest and Julia is still in the pole dancer dress, although i imagine she’s got a closet full). I guess they shot both of these episodes in about 45 minutes, total.
H, lurking in the shadows, yet again.
Julia: he’s living with us now (wow, you have high standards. Rich husband was shot and killed about a week ago, you’re all of a sudden mommy to long_lost_son, and now psycho_ex has moved in. i guess you have an adjustment period of one day. Is the other guy even buried yet?)
H: if you stay with this man, you and kyle are gonna die (way to throw in the dramatics, h).
<creepy slo-mo staring scenes>
Guess those two aren’t long for this world.
Dumbass_robber1: i thought me and you could waste a little time
Calleigh: i’d rather die than have you touch me (fair enough)
Calleigh: i don’t think you killed the poker player (oh, what a fun twist this will be.)
Just to make sure I’m following this. H can take down an entire gang and get back to Miami in time for work, but Calleigh, who I’m assuming is trained in disarming people, can’t get the gun off one dude. Both scenarios are so divergent from reality, and that was before the chloroform was in the picture.
Dumbass_robber2: It’s not like there’s a store that sells everything on earth, seth (apparently wal-mart does not exist in Miami. Also, he used the dude’s name. although, i guess it doesn’t matter cuz calleigh can obviously ID them both. Why aren’t these two fucktards wearing masks?)
Toilet cleaner, stereo wire, a mug, and corkscrew. What the fuck is she making. Am I watching MacGyver? Conveniently, there’s a corkscrew there.
Calleigh: blah, blah, blah, blah scientific stuff. It’s basic chemistry
Dumbass_robber2: <vacant stare> (i just noticed, this idiot is all in white too! Guess there was no blood spatter (drink!) from the shooting)
Calleigh: Arsenic poisoning. (ah, now the garlic makes sense)
B_d_d: You’re not allowed in here!... yeah she’s still missing, she’s been abducted
So fired_guy hands over the memory card from the first crime scene, in hopes that it will help them find calleigh. How on earth is that going to work. They found her because of your dumbass website. But i’m sure these two jokers will have been in the crowd at the crime scene, because that is way more unrealistic, so makes perfect sense in Miami.
B_d_d and natalia: quit bickering!
Traitor_wolfe must be color blind. That blue jacket and yellow shirt/tie combo, yikes!!!!
I don’t think you need to ask a city employee more than once to take a break.
Lucky traitor_wolfe found the string in under .3 seconds.
So i guess Ron hasn’t changed his outfit since he pushed the car in the water a week ago.
Ron: why, horatio, would i bother ….with a csi? Why would i do that when i’ve got what i need. I’ve got Julia back. (his biggest problem here is he calls h, “horatio,” instead of “lieutenant”)
H: and we both know how that happened, don’t we?
Ron: By killing the Newbury lady, ok? You’re never going to prove that. Never
H: I just did. (like i said, this guy hasn’t changed his clothes at all. Also. You’d think he’d notice his shoelace broke, and i dunno, dump those shoes in a dumpster in ft. Lauderdale and go to the outlets with all of Julia’s money and get like 50 new pairs)
Ron: not after i talk to the state attorney…blah, blah, blah…
H: nice try ron <creepy stare>
Wow, this Ron dude is KRAZY banging his head all on the table like that. I imagine there are cameras in these interrogation rooms, guess he’s not so smart.
Hey, Ron is wearing that pinky ring like all the Canadian engineers.
H: just remember what i said ron
Ron: i will, i’m going to go to Julia now. (krazy is as krazy does). I’ll say hi to your son for you. (dude, he’s just asking for an execution style killing in a dark alley)
H: do that
The crazy plastic opening and closing like a crater in the earth is like the single bullet theory in the JFK murder.
Loser_gun_owner: i don’t even have the gun any more (oh that old, tired, excuse)….lost it in a poker game last night
Frank: what, no one could change a hundred?
L_g_o: i’ve lost my watch, my boat, maxed out my visa, the gun was all i had on me (heard of GA?)
B_d_d: no legal casino’s gonna allow you you bet with a gun (REALLY?? You don’t say b_d_d)
Frank: sounds like an underground game to me (wow frank. Thanks for restating the obvious. The rest of us got it when he said “i lost my gun in a poker game”)
B_d_d: one of our own csi’s was abducted with that gun (would they really tell him that much detail?)
Frank: we’ve already got you on illegal gambling, sport, it’s time to show your cards (oh that is just SO clever. I don’t see why he wouldn’t tell them where the game was. He’s got to know it will help him)
L_g_o: i think it was 1429 Wimberly. (good thing you remember the exact address. Got the zip code too?)
B_d_d: you better hope you’re right (i’m sure getting you close enough should be sufficient. You are the cops. And i imagine he has the exact address written down somewhere)
Why is b_d_d calling h with the address, he’s got frank right there, and frank is the one who should be going, cuz he is the cop.
Guess calleigh should have stayed put.
So h and b_d_d break down the doors, and no sign of frank.
Oh the old finger print message trick! She’s awfully precise making perfect numbers with her hands, literally, tied behind her back.
B_d_d: it’s the number 60
H: 60 is the police code for a two man unit (cuz b_d_d wouldn’t know that? Well, maybe not). She’s leaving us a message b_d_d
B_d_d: She’s telling us she was taken by two men, which means she was alive when she left this room (no. she was alive when she thumbed the message) (dude. Is this first year English where you repeat everything like 7 times. Hello. How are you? I am doing fine. How are you? Would you like some coffee? Yes, I would like some coffee? Would you like milk in your coffee? Yes, I would like milk in my coffee. Could this be anymore stiff? Further, i watched the real csi the other night, and they didn’t repeat basic information over and over. Almost like you could figure out what “two man unit” means without 17 explanations. Now wonder this show is popular in non-English speaking countries.)
H: but for how long (gratuitous flash back to like 10 minutes ago)
Pompous_guy: excuse me what’s going on
H: <does not turn to look at the guy> and you are
P_g: blah, blah, lofts… nobody is supposed to be in it.
H: well someone was murdered, and now they’re on their way to the coroner’s office
P_g: you people really need to step up the patrols around here (uh oh, guilty!)
H: a man was shot and killed and found next to a poker table, does that ring a bell
P_g: a poker table <incredulous>. First murder and now illegal gambling (um. I think murder is just a teensy bit more of a problem than a card game). What am i supposed to do, build a moat.
H: you can start with security cameras. (yes, let’s keep big brother watching our every move in the name of “security”. I can’t wait to the panopticon turns on you, h!)
Wow, pretty nice “warehouse”
Calleigh: i’m going to need the black light
Dumbass_robber1: what do you need that for (have you never seen dateline??!!)
Calleigh: this is where robert was shot
Dumbass_robber1: what the hell man, i thought you said you cleaned it <gun to the head of dumbass_robber2> (this guy is a little too quick to point the gun at someone’s head. He’s bound to shoot himself like any second now.)
Dumbass_robber2: i did, i swear (duh, you guys learned the bleach trick AFTER you cleaned the first crime scene)
Dumbass_robber2: when we axed him for the address, he, like freaked out….(so….as far as i can tell, the guy just keeled over, and these two idiots decide to shoot him and move the body, rather than just walking away, or, i dunno, making an anonymous 911 call)
Calleigh: go to the medicine cabinet, see if you can find some iodine
Dumbass_robber2: why
Calleigh: you’ll see (she’s pretty much walked on water up until now, yet they still question her. Stupid people usually believe whatever you tell them.)
See, anyone can be a csi with things you find in your house. Isn’t science fun.
Dumbass_robber1: woah, woah, stop. What are you trying to do. Start a fire. Get the cops here (actually, the fire dept. would probably show up)
Calleigh: This is called a fuming chamber, the smoke is supposed to be there, the hot print is going to stick to any chemical that is on the flask (man, this guy is a right moron. That little amount of smoke and he’s freaking)
Dumbass_robber1: do i look stupid to you? (very)
Dumbass_robber2: you can have my prints, i trust you (first mistake. And dumbass_robber1 doesn’t put the gun to his head over giving up his prints?!?!? And why does it matter if they’re excluded, you don’t have your super-print-finder computer there to find a match. And, if i were going to bet, i’d say the dead guy’s prints would be all over that thing)
Let me guess. Dumbass_robber2 is gonna bring that flask straight to h.
Alexx: his heart showed signs of cardiac arrest
H: he had a heart attack? (no, he went to heart jail.)
Alexx: acute arsenic toxicity (said extra slow cuz that is a hard word to read)
H: so the poisoning caused the heart attack (tell me this episode is some sort of cruel april fools joke)
Ah, the cigar. Guess he shouldn’t have made calleigh pick it up.
Alexx: you’re saying that like it makes perfect sense (i’m sure very little makes sense to you, alexx)
Natalia: so you’re saying that calleigh left this in the wound track for us to find?
H: i am (of course!)
Called it. flask right to h! (drink!)
So. Frank and H are talking police stuff and some sketchy dude is lurking in the shadows and h stops his conversation to see if he needs directions or a quarter for a payphone?
H: does this have to do with the missing csi? (way to show all your cards, h. want some free advice? Don’t go to those high entry poker games)
H: where is the missing csi, right now?
Dumbass_robber2: 7501 witlock (these dummies and their recall for addresses is amazing. I don’t even know my own address most days)
H: 7501 witlock. Get SWAT. (the swat team?!?!? Seriously. How many times has the swat team been called out for calleigh this season.)
The landlord, told you!
H: so he’s a liar. Bring him in.
B_d_d: do you know where csi Duquesne is? If you do you better tell me. Lt. Caine is working on the killer’s fingerprints and if they match yours, i’m not going to be so nice a second time.
Dumbass_robber1: we’re about to pull off the biggest heist in underground Miami (oh, this will end well for you)
So dumbass_robber2 couldn’t get his shit together fast enough to find h in a timely manner and get the po-po there before dumbass_robber1 got scared. Secondly, wouldn’t have real cops sent him back with the bleach and followed him so as not to let dumbass_robber1 know they were on to him.
H in the lab coat again. They’ll never find calleigh now.
So if l_g_o were smart, he’d say he took a swig off the flask.
L_g_o: all paid for by my kid’s college fund (1. who’s dumbass fault is that. 2. why are parents under this mistaken notion that they are responsible for paying for their kids to go to school)
L_g_o: i had to win some back…for my family (h should let you off now, seeing as he’s a dad too!)
L_g_o: freaked when i saw the CSI decal (LOSER)
H: i don’t blame you.
Baking soda and grape juice!!!!
Natalia: invisible ink.
Yes, most people open the door immediately when the cops show up during the middle of your illegal poker game.
OH MY GOD…..how cheesy is this, with them all guns a’blazing. It’s like the lamest reservoir dogs rip off EVER!
Dumbass_robber1: <comprehension sinking in>
H: you’re not going to get the chance
And now calleigh can get =the gun off him, no problem.
Calleigh: you messed with the wrong people.
And there’s b_d_d to comfort her.
B_d_d: you gonna take some time off
Calleigh: i just wanna go home
B_d_d: you’re not going home alone (b_d_d, this is NOT your in. plus, i’m sure boy-toy cop is there waiting)
Calleigh: i’m fine, i promise (leave me alone you brain damaged FREAK)
B_d_d: i’m not. I don’t know what i would have done if something would have happened to you today (oh my god, i just puked in my mouth)
Calleigh: ok (way to stand your ground calleigh)
GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS
H please change your clothes.
Jerry Bruckheimer, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Ratings:
H’s incredible aim: 1 dead hooker
Gangsters not shooting back: 1 dead hooker
H wearing the same clothes for like 3 days, after two mach speed flights and 10 dead bodies: 3 dead hookers
Chloroform: 3 dead hookers and 1 Scooby snack
Calleigh as MacGyver: 4 dead hookers
Arsenic poisoning: 4 dead hookers
Address recall: 3 dead hookers
Ron’s inability to speak more than one word per 5 seconds: 4 dead hookers
Thumbprints and invisible ink: 5 dead hookers
2 most unbelievable robbers/kidnappers ever: 4 dead hookers
B_d_d/Calleigh: 1 dead hooker, 1 puke bucket
Overall: 3.5 dead hookers.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Ambush - 3/31/08
Ambush
Tivo Description: Horatio’s past comes back to haunt him when Julia has him arrested for murder.
Looks like we’re starting off in the glades. Hope there is a gator involved.
Looks like something out of a Carl Hiaasen story story.
Explosives, teenagers, and alcohol. This should be a fabulous combination. Hey ya’ll watch this…
That arm looks plastic
So the retard jumps in there with gators and god knows what. Is this the murder h’s bimbo ex set up a few episodes ago? I thought that car was red, so maybe not.
Alexx: What are you thinking, Horatio. (well alexx, probably not much. Not a whole lot of activity going on between those ears)
Calleigh: her sunpass is missing
This is not the first episode where the sunpass has been used to track someone. This is why i pay cash for tolls.
Oh what do we have here? B_d_d has some sort of cliff notes on how to do his job. Seriously. All he needs to know is on the equivalent of an index card. Let me guess that this is some sort of “trick” and he’s writing a book or some lame shit.
Fun split screens in the morgue. Just what i needed to see.
Oh here’s dumbass Natalia in white again – but this time a yellow shirt.
Alexx: but the bruising on her wrists and knees indicate she struggled (um, don’t you mean wrist. singular.)
Hold up right now. Do I see H in a lab coat (a white lab coat no less, not his signature black) processing evidence. Well, this case is sure to be screwed up. Or compromised (accreditation! Drink!). i thought for sure he didn’t do any actual work.
Looks like he can use the fancy non-existent-technology-computer as well. Must have had a remedial course at the community college.
And of course, baby_mama’s prints show up
Um, baby_mama, you might want to consider some clothes that don’t make you look like a pole dancer. I’m just sayin’ is all…
DUDE!!!! I swear to you H was, um, checking out the goods!
Baby_mama: somehow i knew you wouldn’t stay away, h
Baby_mama: i watch the news (a likely story)
Baby_mama: anyone could have taken it from my home. There are a lot of people out there with motive to frame me. I’m looking at one right now (wow. These writers are clever. Wonder how this will play out)
H: Julia. You’re in deep trouble (oh i’m so telling teacher on you!)
Baby_mama: why can’t you just believe me (h believes no one except deadbeat hookers)
H: because. <slight pause> I haven’t <dramatic pause> heard the truth yet.
Natalia: case closed, and h gets kyle back in his life (just what kyle needs)
Bimbo_ex_housekeeper: you know as well as i do she’s dangerous. (oh yeah. She’s a criminal mastermind. Pretty nice house for being a housekeeper)
Bimbo_ex_housekeeper: hey, you’re the scientist. (well, it’s obvious you aren’t)
natalia: and you’re the suspect. Again
b_e_h: <blank stares>
natalia: mind telling me how you paid for all this (can she even ask that? How about “none of your business” or “profits from my side job as a high-class hooker”)
yeah. Her “investments” bought her that mansion. From her housekeeper’s salary.
Nice yellow tie traitor_wolfe
Calleigh: all of my crime scene photos are gone (i like how it’s all old school and it’s just a bunch of blank images that show up, rather than something realistic, like blank memory card seeing as you cannot download that which does not exist. How zen. The presence of absence and what not.)
Traitor_wolfe: did you remember to take the lens cap off the camera (is the computer plugged in? this isn’t FILM. If the lens cap were on, you would know it.)
“Better Luck Next Time” shows up all echo-style on the screen
Calleigh: ok, what does that mean (i think it means- better luck next time. Or, through the means of some technology that doesn’t exist, someone is fucking with you. I think a more appropriate question to ask is: WTF?)
Traitor_wolfe: did you let the camera out of your sight
Calleigh: no! well. Maybe for a second (which is it, calleigh. If this were an interrogation, you’d so be in the holding cell right now)
Traitor_wolfe can see there are no prints on the camera card by using the naked eye and a flash light.
Traitor_wolfe: i think someone is trying to sabotage our case (gee, i wonder who that could be? Could it be…..SATAN?)
Traitor_wolfe: it looks like a piece of metal (wow, your powers of perception are so keen)
Calleigh: that looks like the tip of a fishing spear (we’ve gone from “metal” to the “tip of a fishing spear”
Dumbass_money_stealer: i’m pre-law, so i know everything. How else will i be an arrogant attorney some day (this is why you have benjamins held up with clothes pins and are using a hair dryer on them You know what else would work? The dryer. You can wash and dry money. That’t the beauty of it.
Dumbass_money_stealer_2: we’re just two guys in the wrong place (no. you’re two morons who are so fucked up that you go fishing with explosives. And, if you weren’t such retards, you could have gotten away with it. AND, let’s say you’re fishing with explosives and an arm washes up. Now let’s say you’re stupid enough to jump in the drink and see what’s up. You find a car, at least 10 feet down with a dead body in it. the first thing you do is:
a) get the fuck out of dodge
b) call the cops
c) pop the trunk with your fishing spear.
Calleigh: actually, you’re two guys in the center of a murder investigation
Dumbass_money_stealer_2: <blank stare>
DUDE! WTF is kyle wearing. What a fugly-ass sweater vest. I’m sure you don’t get your ass kicked for wearing that shit. All the teenagers wear sweater vests.
<h lurking around corners again>
H: <creepy ass look> how are you?
Kyle: just been trying to settle down. Been trying to sort everything out in my head
H: can i help you with that (ew. That’s gotta be some kind of pick up line)
Kyle: why are you still harassing mom…blah blah
H: son, a woman lost her life
Kyle: please just leave her alone
H: i can’t do that son
Kyle: she’s really, really scared, dad (gross. Don’t call him that. Maybe sperm_donor_144, but not dad)…it has to be because of you!
H: she has no reason to be afraid of me
Kyle: she is <nice combo of whiny and teen angst there>
H: are you sure that’s what going on
Kyle: don’t try to con me. (con him? That’s extreme. Ass-rape, sure. Con, probably not. H isn’t cunning enough to trick a teenager) i came here and said what i need to say. I’m done (yeah. You’re a big tough man. Or a big ol’ mama’s boy. You don’t have enough synapses firing to come up with all that on your own. See also: your sweater)
H: keep your voice down (um, that’s something you say around ages 3-9. it’s a little too late now)
Kyle: i’m not going to let you use me against her (yep. Mama’s boy)
Solve a Crime with Calleigh
Traitor_wolfe: that looks like delko’s hand writing
How convenient that b_d_d’s cheat sheet is now on the internets and it looks like calleigh needs to use it!
Calleigh: that video looks like it was taken by somebody in the crowd. (any other brilliant observations?)
Why does she not want to track down who created this website and stole her camera card?
So traitor_wolfe, kyle, and natalia are all wearing yellow. How very spring-like of them.
Traitor_wolfe: we’re lucky we have them (the license plate photos) because the department of transportation usually throws them away right away (i sincerely doubt that. Isn’t the whole point of those to keep big brother watching you? But, if they say it on csi: Miami, it must be true)
Truck_driver: who the hell are you? (let’s see. Gun. Badge. I’m going to guess…..cop?)
Frank: your nightmare
EW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT BATHROOM MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE
B_d_d: these places aren’t known for their cleanliness. (that’s the most insightful thing you’ve said. Ever. This brings up the question. Who does clean rest stop bathrooms? I’ve never seen one being cleaned. Wonder if it ever happens. That would be a shitty job. No pun intended. Well, maybe a little.)
Oh my god!!!!!!!!!!!! He just picked up a funky ass washcloth that has been sitting on the floor of a truck stop bathroom for god knows how long. AND HE SMELLED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
B_d_d: chloroform (drink!) (what is this, Murder She Wrote? Nancy Drew? Who uses chloroform any more?)
Frank: so she was subdued (well, presuming it is chloroform, and was used on dead_lady, yes frank, that is a brilliant observation)
That split screen of natalia looks like the brady bunch.
H: real estate fraud, and now murder, ron. (that’s quite a leap up the crime ladder)
H: that’s not a cut, that’s a bite mark
Ron: well, i’m not sure you can tell either way, but i told you what happened. (despite the fact that you told h, no one is saying you told the truth, and you just admitted it may, in fact, be a bite mark. Retard. You should apply for a job as a writer for this show)
Ron: can you prove that.
H: That’s…..what i do.
All I know is, this just gives me more reason to never set foot in those bathrooms. Like I needed another one.
Looks like h_love_interest_dead_brother’s_wife needs a paycheck. Her hair has gotten bigger. Why do they need to meet in some secluded gardens? I think her office would work.
Yelena: Julia came to me…she asked me to work for her….about Marisol, and why you went to brazil..(they’re reusing old episodes for story line fodder. Aren’t they all full of fresh ideas from their 3 month vacation? How could this bimbo find out all this stuff about h’s past BEFORE she hired a private investigator) i don’t trust this woman, and i don’t think she’s going to give up easily.
H: neither am i <dramatic exit>
H: Julia, did ron murder Kathleen newbury (i suppose it’s typical to give the entire case away to one of the suspects. It seems like he actually thinks she’s not involved. She’s still wearing the same pole dancer dress, so i guess it’s still the same day)
H: ron is back in town, and i think you’re in contact with him (i thought h and bimbo_ex’s torrid love affair took place in some other part of florida. So being back in town is pretty much irrelevant. Maybe he’s been here all along. And if he came from elsewhere, it was pretty quick because bimbo_ex had like 5 minutes notice before the big trial)
Bimbo_ex: <vacant stare> <neurons trying to fire> we all have skeletons in our closet (so that’s what’s taking up all the room for appropriate clothing), but i’ve left mine behind for kyle. I don’t think you can say the same thing (um, the correct answer is: i had no idea ron was in Miami.)
Bimbo_ex: In Rio, money can buy a lot of information. You murdered this man (what did you do, fly down there and back. Who took care of kyle?!?!?!)
H: <creepy smirk> <weird ass hell flashback with H still all in black> Julia. This isn’t going to work
Bimbo_ex: leave me alone (you should have said that 16.5 years ago and you wouldn’t find yourself in this custody mess. Or this murder mess. And maybe you could have retained an ounce of self respect. What kind of person sleeps with h. )
Traitor_wolfe: it went viral
Traitor_wolfe: he created the internet (oh do not even get me started on this one. Ok, since i used to work for them, i’ll give a shout out to ARPA net and a little proper credit.)
Oh no, the magic computer can’t instantly track down the person who created the website
So of course, the source code will hold the secret to his identity. Have these people ever seen HTML?
Valera: does that garbeldy-guck make sense to you (tell me she did not just say garbeldy-guck. Further. Aren’t you some dna genius or some shit. You mean to tell me you’ve never seen code before.)
Traitor_wolfe: those numbers control the background color and the text, and that one is for the video player (and this is going the help you track the website owner how?)
Valera: like how youtube works.
Traitor_wolfe: this is a different flash video player. In fact, aside for a couple of tweaks, it’s exactly like the one we use….it’s custom coded for us (what videos are you broadcasting on the internet? Why can’t you just use media player like everyone else)
Traitor_wolfe: hey calleigh, it’s me. Yeah, i know who’s messing with you.
So it’s lame ass guy who got fired for stealing dead_but_back_alive_speedle’s credit card. They’re really getting some mileage out of this loser
Fired_guy: now that i finally have the time (methinks you’ve had loads of free time in your life)
How does this unemployed loser have four flat screen monitors and a phat place with an ocean view. Oh yeah, he used a dead guy’s credit card. And why is he so pissed he got fired. Oh that’s right, common sense would tell you that stealing the credit card of a dead employee from the lab and using it is grounds for dismissal. But you, obviously, have no common sense
Calleigh: you do realize that destroying crime scene photos is an obstruction of justice, don’t you? (his career in law enforcement was short lived, he didn’t make it to that part of the training)
Calleigh: you’re not that guy (yes he is. Is this going to turn into some h-helps-him-turn-his-life-around-love-scene)
How does natalia know the logo for a specific type of hunting boot?
Truck_driver: i been in that rest room a million times (they should arrest you on the spot for that. You clearly have no common sense). I’m not your guy
H: who is my guy? (whomever the escort website sends, h. does it really matter to you?)
Truck_driver: he could have been kermit the frog. (someone hands your broke ass 5 large and you have no idea what he looks like?)
H: we all make mistakes ted, this is yours (really, what’s the big deal)
Uh oh bimbo_ex is with ron. Big surprise. And in true h fashion, he just blurts out all the evidence.
Bimbo_ex: you can’t just kill a cop. (uh, why did you get this unstable psycho involved. Oh wait, you’re an unstable psycho. Further, you paid off the dead_lady. I’m pretty sure she wasn’t going to testify with all that cash as incentive to shut her up)
Uh oh, ron’s roughing up bimbo_ex. This won’t end well.
Ron: you still love him don’t you (GROSS)
Bimbo_ex: i can make him disappear. I just need to make one call. I only want to be with you. (BARF)
Bimbo_ex: i need to speak with who’s in charge (that always works)
H: what does he have on you. I want to help you, but this is going to be my last chance. (why do you want to help this bitch? She killed someone)
Bimbo_ex: i don’t need your help (them is fighting words. All women need h’s help). I’m sorry. It’s for your own good (doubtful)
<creepy stare exchanges>
Other_cop_guy: u.s. marshall’s office just notified us that a judge has issued a warrant for your arrest
H: granted to who? (this is the first thing you say?)
Other_cop_guy: you’re being extradited to brazil this afternoon (AFTERNOON. Even tho the sun is setting. You mean to tell me all of this has happened in the time span of like 4 hours). They’re charging you with murder (uh oh, how’s h gonna get out of this little mess)
Calleigh: we’ll hold down the fort
H: i appreciate at that ma’am (no appreciation necessary. It’s their job. They’re being paid)
Other_cop_guy: if you go voluntarily, you wave the right to fight extradition
H: it’s not going to make a difference rick (oh, such the hero)
No cuffs! H is just that trustworthy (i’m curious as to how they’ll wrap this all up in the exciting conclusion. Since we know time stands still in Miami, i imagine Julia will be killed and h will get out of this in less than 20 minutes. Guess that will give h custody of loser kyle)
Weird music choice.
Natalia: this is really scary. The criminals can be studying this.
Nice “Site updating” graphic. How many websites have that. Oh wait, zero.
Wow. They’re really summing up the entire series. bringing up calleigh’s old boyfriend who offed himself. How would that guy even know that.
B_d_d: he’s escalating (and no one has mentioned the cheat sheet yet)
B_d_d: her phone’s off, that’s not like her
Good thing she’s in the hummer. I’m sure b_d_d and the super computer can track her down.
Natalia: he posted her new number!
Website_dude is very casually walking to find out who is beating down his door.
Oh snap, b_d_d broke the door down
B_d_d: <all angry> where is she?
Website_dude: little miss perfect needed to be taken down a notch or two (is that the thing you really say when an agitated person of questionable mental status is in the middle of kicking your ass?)
B_d_d: what if some felon calls her out to a location? you think about that? (editing error there. He said “what if some felon” twice” glad to see they spent 15 whole minutes, writing, shooting, and editing this episode)
B_d_d: something happens to her, cooper, i’m going to come back here and kill you (oh please let something happen to her. I can’t wait to see this!)
Back to rio!
Even the Brazilians call him lieutenant.
That’s a fancy ass police station with a great view.
H: he murdered my wife…he got what was coming to him
Brazilian_police_guy: you testify to that
H: in a real court, i might (implying that brazilian courts aren’t real? I guarantee you that brazilian jail is very real)
H: i admitted to nothing
Brazilian_police_guy: as far as i’m concerned, you are free to go
H: just like that, huh
B_p_g: just like that. But. You should know. You made a lot of enemies the last time you were in rio.
H: this is your way, of saying good luck
B_p_g: i admit to nothing, but, good luck
AND HANDS HIM A GUN.
They dragged him all the way down there for a pass from some local police chief. I hardly think so.
I’m curious to see how brazilian vigilante justice works. Or how they even know h is in town. Where’s his escort from the US gov’t. my ass would be headed straight back to the airport. And while there, i’d probably buy a change of clothes cuz he’s been in that suit for a while.
Oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please say that gunshot was for h!
And calleigh’s all bound and gagged.
This….is….one…heck….of…a…..cliff….hanger. oh wait. I don’t care about these characters. No it’s not.
Ratings:
All the yellow clothing – 1 dead hooker
Fishing with fireworks – 3 dead hookers
Reusing of like every old story line and character – 4 dead hookers
Sun pass – 3 dead hookers
Chloroform – 4 dead hookers
Foul ass truck stop bathroom – -7 dead hookers
The website – 4 dead hookers
B_d_d’s cheat sheet – 5 dead hookers
B_d_d kicking website guy’s ass – 5 dead hookers
Inventing the internet – 4 dead hookers.
Extradition – 4 dead hookers
Bimbo_ex stringing together 2 sentences – 2 dead hookers
Brazilian_vigilante_justice – 4 dead hookers
MAYBE OH MAYBE OH MAYBE H GOT SHOT – 5 dead hookers
Overall: 3.5 dead hookers.
Tivo Description: Horatio’s past comes back to haunt him when Julia has him arrested for murder.
Looks like we’re starting off in the glades. Hope there is a gator involved.
Looks like something out of a Carl Hiaasen story story.
Explosives, teenagers, and alcohol. This should be a fabulous combination. Hey ya’ll watch this…
That arm looks plastic
So the retard jumps in there with gators and god knows what. Is this the murder h’s bimbo ex set up a few episodes ago? I thought that car was red, so maybe not.
Alexx: What are you thinking, Horatio. (well alexx, probably not much. Not a whole lot of activity going on between those ears)
Calleigh: her sunpass is missing
This is not the first episode where the sunpass has been used to track someone. This is why i pay cash for tolls.
Oh what do we have here? B_d_d has some sort of cliff notes on how to do his job. Seriously. All he needs to know is on the equivalent of an index card. Let me guess that this is some sort of “trick” and he’s writing a book or some lame shit.
Fun split screens in the morgue. Just what i needed to see.
Oh here’s dumbass Natalia in white again – but this time a yellow shirt.
Alexx: but the bruising on her wrists and knees indicate she struggled (um, don’t you mean wrist. singular.)
Hold up right now. Do I see H in a lab coat (a white lab coat no less, not his signature black) processing evidence. Well, this case is sure to be screwed up. Or compromised (accreditation! Drink!). i thought for sure he didn’t do any actual work.
Looks like he can use the fancy non-existent-technology-computer as well. Must have had a remedial course at the community college.
And of course, baby_mama’s prints show up
Um, baby_mama, you might want to consider some clothes that don’t make you look like a pole dancer. I’m just sayin’ is all…
DUDE!!!! I swear to you H was, um, checking out the goods!
Baby_mama: somehow i knew you wouldn’t stay away, h
Baby_mama: i watch the news (a likely story)
Baby_mama: anyone could have taken it from my home. There are a lot of people out there with motive to frame me. I’m looking at one right now (wow. These writers are clever. Wonder how this will play out)
H: Julia. You’re in deep trouble (oh i’m so telling teacher on you!)
Baby_mama: why can’t you just believe me (h believes no one except deadbeat hookers)
H: because. <slight pause> I haven’t <dramatic pause> heard the truth yet.
Natalia: case closed, and h gets kyle back in his life (just what kyle needs)
Bimbo_ex_housekeeper: you know as well as i do she’s dangerous. (oh yeah. She’s a criminal mastermind. Pretty nice house for being a housekeeper)
Bimbo_ex_housekeeper: hey, you’re the scientist. (well, it’s obvious you aren’t)
natalia: and you’re the suspect. Again
b_e_h: <blank stares>
natalia: mind telling me how you paid for all this (can she even ask that? How about “none of your business” or “profits from my side job as a high-class hooker”)
yeah. Her “investments” bought her that mansion. From her housekeeper’s salary.
Nice yellow tie traitor_wolfe
Calleigh: all of my crime scene photos are gone (i like how it’s all old school and it’s just a bunch of blank images that show up, rather than something realistic, like blank memory card seeing as you cannot download that which does not exist. How zen. The presence of absence and what not.)
Traitor_wolfe: did you remember to take the lens cap off the camera (is the computer plugged in? this isn’t FILM. If the lens cap were on, you would know it.)
“Better Luck Next Time” shows up all echo-style on the screen
Calleigh: ok, what does that mean (i think it means- better luck next time. Or, through the means of some technology that doesn’t exist, someone is fucking with you. I think a more appropriate question to ask is: WTF?)
Traitor_wolfe: did you let the camera out of your sight
Calleigh: no! well. Maybe for a second (which is it, calleigh. If this were an interrogation, you’d so be in the holding cell right now)
Traitor_wolfe can see there are no prints on the camera card by using the naked eye and a flash light.
Traitor_wolfe: i think someone is trying to sabotage our case (gee, i wonder who that could be? Could it be…..SATAN?)
Traitor_wolfe: it looks like a piece of metal (wow, your powers of perception are so keen)
Calleigh: that looks like the tip of a fishing spear (we’ve gone from “metal” to the “tip of a fishing spear”
Dumbass_money_stealer: i’m pre-law, so i know everything. How else will i be an arrogant attorney some day (this is why you have benjamins held up with clothes pins and are using a hair dryer on them You know what else would work? The dryer. You can wash and dry money. That’t the beauty of it.
Dumbass_money_stealer_2: we’re just two guys in the wrong place (no. you’re two morons who are so fucked up that you go fishing with explosives. And, if you weren’t such retards, you could have gotten away with it. AND, let’s say you’re fishing with explosives and an arm washes up. Now let’s say you’re stupid enough to jump in the drink and see what’s up. You find a car, at least 10 feet down with a dead body in it. the first thing you do is:
a) get the fuck out of dodge
b) call the cops
c) pop the trunk with your fishing spear.
Calleigh: actually, you’re two guys in the center of a murder investigation
Dumbass_money_stealer_2: <blank stare>
DUDE! WTF is kyle wearing. What a fugly-ass sweater vest. I’m sure you don’t get your ass kicked for wearing that shit. All the teenagers wear sweater vests.
<h lurking around corners again>
H: <creepy ass look> how are you?
Kyle: just been trying to settle down. Been trying to sort everything out in my head
H: can i help you with that (ew. That’s gotta be some kind of pick up line)
Kyle: why are you still harassing mom…blah blah
H: son, a woman lost her life
Kyle: please just leave her alone
H: i can’t do that son
Kyle: she’s really, really scared, dad (gross. Don’t call him that. Maybe sperm_donor_144, but not dad)…it has to be because of you!
H: she has no reason to be afraid of me
Kyle: she is <nice combo of whiny and teen angst there>
H: are you sure that’s what going on
Kyle: don’t try to con me. (con him? That’s extreme. Ass-rape, sure. Con, probably not. H isn’t cunning enough to trick a teenager) i came here and said what i need to say. I’m done (yeah. You’re a big tough man. Or a big ol’ mama’s boy. You don’t have enough synapses firing to come up with all that on your own. See also: your sweater)
H: keep your voice down (um, that’s something you say around ages 3-9. it’s a little too late now)
Kyle: i’m not going to let you use me against her (yep. Mama’s boy)
Solve a Crime with Calleigh
Traitor_wolfe: that looks like delko’s hand writing
How convenient that b_d_d’s cheat sheet is now on the internets and it looks like calleigh needs to use it!
Calleigh: that video looks like it was taken by somebody in the crowd. (any other brilliant observations?)
Why does she not want to track down who created this website and stole her camera card?
So traitor_wolfe, kyle, and natalia are all wearing yellow. How very spring-like of them.
Traitor_wolfe: we’re lucky we have them (the license plate photos) because the department of transportation usually throws them away right away (i sincerely doubt that. Isn’t the whole point of those to keep big brother watching you? But, if they say it on csi: Miami, it must be true)
Truck_driver: who the hell are you? (let’s see. Gun. Badge. I’m going to guess…..cop?)
Frank: your nightmare
EW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT BATHROOM MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE
B_d_d: these places aren’t known for their cleanliness. (that’s the most insightful thing you’ve said. Ever. This brings up the question. Who does clean rest stop bathrooms? I’ve never seen one being cleaned. Wonder if it ever happens. That would be a shitty job. No pun intended. Well, maybe a little.)
Oh my god!!!!!!!!!!!! He just picked up a funky ass washcloth that has been sitting on the floor of a truck stop bathroom for god knows how long. AND HE SMELLED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
B_d_d: chloroform (drink!) (what is this, Murder She Wrote? Nancy Drew? Who uses chloroform any more?)
Frank: so she was subdued (well, presuming it is chloroform, and was used on dead_lady, yes frank, that is a brilliant observation)
That split screen of natalia looks like the brady bunch.
H: real estate fraud, and now murder, ron. (that’s quite a leap up the crime ladder)
H: that’s not a cut, that’s a bite mark
Ron: well, i’m not sure you can tell either way, but i told you what happened. (despite the fact that you told h, no one is saying you told the truth, and you just admitted it may, in fact, be a bite mark. Retard. You should apply for a job as a writer for this show)
Ron: can you prove that.
H: That’s…..what i do.
All I know is, this just gives me more reason to never set foot in those bathrooms. Like I needed another one.
Looks like h_love_interest_dead_brother’s_wife needs a paycheck. Her hair has gotten bigger. Why do they need to meet in some secluded gardens? I think her office would work.
Yelena: Julia came to me…she asked me to work for her….about Marisol, and why you went to brazil..(they’re reusing old episodes for story line fodder. Aren’t they all full of fresh ideas from their 3 month vacation? How could this bimbo find out all this stuff about h’s past BEFORE she hired a private investigator) i don’t trust this woman, and i don’t think she’s going to give up easily.
H: neither am i <dramatic exit>
H: Julia, did ron murder Kathleen newbury (i suppose it’s typical to give the entire case away to one of the suspects. It seems like he actually thinks she’s not involved. She’s still wearing the same pole dancer dress, so i guess it’s still the same day)
H: ron is back in town, and i think you’re in contact with him (i thought h and bimbo_ex’s torrid love affair took place in some other part of florida. So being back in town is pretty much irrelevant. Maybe he’s been here all along. And if he came from elsewhere, it was pretty quick because bimbo_ex had like 5 minutes notice before the big trial)
Bimbo_ex: <vacant stare> <neurons trying to fire> we all have skeletons in our closet (so that’s what’s taking up all the room for appropriate clothing), but i’ve left mine behind for kyle. I don’t think you can say the same thing (um, the correct answer is: i had no idea ron was in Miami.)
Bimbo_ex: In Rio, money can buy a lot of information. You murdered this man (what did you do, fly down there and back. Who took care of kyle?!?!?!)
H: <creepy smirk> <weird ass hell flashback with H still all in black> Julia. This isn’t going to work
Bimbo_ex: leave me alone (you should have said that 16.5 years ago and you wouldn’t find yourself in this custody mess. Or this murder mess. And maybe you could have retained an ounce of self respect. What kind of person sleeps with h. )
Traitor_wolfe: it went viral
Traitor_wolfe: he created the internet (oh do not even get me started on this one. Ok, since i used to work for them, i’ll give a shout out to ARPA net and a little proper credit.)
Oh no, the magic computer can’t instantly track down the person who created the website
So of course, the source code will hold the secret to his identity. Have these people ever seen HTML?
Valera: does that garbeldy-guck make sense to you (tell me she did not just say garbeldy-guck. Further. Aren’t you some dna genius or some shit. You mean to tell me you’ve never seen code before.)
Traitor_wolfe: those numbers control the background color and the text, and that one is for the video player (and this is going the help you track the website owner how?)
Valera: like how youtube works.
Traitor_wolfe: this is a different flash video player. In fact, aside for a couple of tweaks, it’s exactly like the one we use….it’s custom coded for us (what videos are you broadcasting on the internet? Why can’t you just use media player like everyone else)
Traitor_wolfe: hey calleigh, it’s me. Yeah, i know who’s messing with you.
So it’s lame ass guy who got fired for stealing dead_but_back_alive_speedle’s credit card. They’re really getting some mileage out of this loser
Fired_guy: now that i finally have the time (methinks you’ve had loads of free time in your life)
How does this unemployed loser have four flat screen monitors and a phat place with an ocean view. Oh yeah, he used a dead guy’s credit card. And why is he so pissed he got fired. Oh that’s right, common sense would tell you that stealing the credit card of a dead employee from the lab and using it is grounds for dismissal. But you, obviously, have no common sense
Calleigh: you do realize that destroying crime scene photos is an obstruction of justice, don’t you? (his career in law enforcement was short lived, he didn’t make it to that part of the training)
Calleigh: you’re not that guy (yes he is. Is this going to turn into some h-helps-him-turn-his-life-around-love-scene)
How does natalia know the logo for a specific type of hunting boot?
Truck_driver: i been in that rest room a million times (they should arrest you on the spot for that. You clearly have no common sense). I’m not your guy
H: who is my guy? (whomever the escort website sends, h. does it really matter to you?)
Truck_driver: he could have been kermit the frog. (someone hands your broke ass 5 large and you have no idea what he looks like?)
H: we all make mistakes ted, this is yours (really, what’s the big deal)
Uh oh bimbo_ex is with ron. Big surprise. And in true h fashion, he just blurts out all the evidence.
Bimbo_ex: you can’t just kill a cop. (uh, why did you get this unstable psycho involved. Oh wait, you’re an unstable psycho. Further, you paid off the dead_lady. I’m pretty sure she wasn’t going to testify with all that cash as incentive to shut her up)
Uh oh, ron’s roughing up bimbo_ex. This won’t end well.
Ron: you still love him don’t you (GROSS)
Bimbo_ex: i can make him disappear. I just need to make one call. I only want to be with you. (BARF)
Bimbo_ex: i need to speak with who’s in charge (that always works)
H: what does he have on you. I want to help you, but this is going to be my last chance. (why do you want to help this bitch? She killed someone)
Bimbo_ex: i don’t need your help (them is fighting words. All women need h’s help). I’m sorry. It’s for your own good (doubtful)
<creepy stare exchanges>
Other_cop_guy: u.s. marshall’s office just notified us that a judge has issued a warrant for your arrest
H: granted to who? (this is the first thing you say?)
Other_cop_guy: you’re being extradited to brazil this afternoon (AFTERNOON. Even tho the sun is setting. You mean to tell me all of this has happened in the time span of like 4 hours). They’re charging you with murder (uh oh, how’s h gonna get out of this little mess)
Calleigh: we’ll hold down the fort
H: i appreciate at that ma’am (no appreciation necessary. It’s their job. They’re being paid)
Other_cop_guy: if you go voluntarily, you wave the right to fight extradition
H: it’s not going to make a difference rick (oh, such the hero)
No cuffs! H is just that trustworthy (i’m curious as to how they’ll wrap this all up in the exciting conclusion. Since we know time stands still in Miami, i imagine Julia will be killed and h will get out of this in less than 20 minutes. Guess that will give h custody of loser kyle)
Weird music choice.
Natalia: this is really scary. The criminals can be studying this.
Nice “Site updating” graphic. How many websites have that. Oh wait, zero.
Wow. They’re really summing up the entire series. bringing up calleigh’s old boyfriend who offed himself. How would that guy even know that.
B_d_d: he’s escalating (and no one has mentioned the cheat sheet yet)
B_d_d: her phone’s off, that’s not like her
Good thing she’s in the hummer. I’m sure b_d_d and the super computer can track her down.
Natalia: he posted her new number!
Website_dude is very casually walking to find out who is beating down his door.
Oh snap, b_d_d broke the door down
B_d_d: <all angry> where is she?
Website_dude: little miss perfect needed to be taken down a notch or two (is that the thing you really say when an agitated person of questionable mental status is in the middle of kicking your ass?)
B_d_d: what if some felon calls her out to a location? you think about that? (editing error there. He said “what if some felon” twice” glad to see they spent 15 whole minutes, writing, shooting, and editing this episode)
B_d_d: something happens to her, cooper, i’m going to come back here and kill you (oh please let something happen to her. I can’t wait to see this!)
Back to rio!
Even the Brazilians call him lieutenant.
That’s a fancy ass police station with a great view.
H: he murdered my wife…he got what was coming to him
Brazilian_police_guy: you testify to that
H: in a real court, i might (implying that brazilian courts aren’t real? I guarantee you that brazilian jail is very real)
H: i admitted to nothing
Brazilian_police_guy: as far as i’m concerned, you are free to go
H: just like that, huh
B_p_g: just like that. But. You should know. You made a lot of enemies the last time you were in rio.
H: this is your way, of saying good luck
B_p_g: i admit to nothing, but, good luck
AND HANDS HIM A GUN.
They dragged him all the way down there for a pass from some local police chief. I hardly think so.
I’m curious to see how brazilian vigilante justice works. Or how they even know h is in town. Where’s his escort from the US gov’t. my ass would be headed straight back to the airport. And while there, i’d probably buy a change of clothes cuz he’s been in that suit for a while.
Oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please say that gunshot was for h!
And calleigh’s all bound and gagged.
This….is….one…heck….of…a…..cliff….hanger. oh wait. I don’t care about these characters. No it’s not.
Ratings:
All the yellow clothing – 1 dead hooker
Fishing with fireworks – 3 dead hookers
Reusing of like every old story line and character – 4 dead hookers
Sun pass – 3 dead hookers
Chloroform – 4 dead hookers
Foul ass truck stop bathroom – -7 dead hookers
The website – 4 dead hookers
B_d_d’s cheat sheet – 5 dead hookers
B_d_d kicking website guy’s ass – 5 dead hookers
Inventing the internet – 4 dead hookers.
Extradition – 4 dead hookers
Bimbo_ex stringing together 2 sentences – 2 dead hookers
Brazilian_vigilante_justice – 4 dead hookers
MAYBE OH MAYBE OH MAYBE H GOT SHOT – 5 dead hookers
Overall: 3.5 dead hookers.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Glossary of Terms
b_d_d - brain damage delko. i started using the full brain_damage_delko after he got shot, but just began to always shorten it to b_d_d.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
1/14/2008
Raising Caine (oh this episode already rocks. I love the double entendre. They are SO creative)
Tivo Description: Horataio’s ex, Kyle’s mother, resurfaces as a billionaire’s widow who will do anything to get her son back.
Bimbo: blah, blah, blah….upscale properties…
Bimbo_ex_who_is_way_prettier_than_h_can_EVER_get_even_tho_she’s_a_bit_of_a_horse_face: <dramatic entrance> I’m over here john…but that’s not your name anymore, is it (oh the mystery that surrounds h!)
h: <creepy smirk that just sent chills down my spine in a bad way> mrs. Winston, frank, is kyle’s mother
VERY ODD STARING CONTEST
H: long enough Julia, long enough
Bimbo: i wasn’t equipped to raise him….i didn’t want to burden you (dude, you have more money than the Rockefellers. It’s called a nanny)
H: i want you tell me what happened
Ok, i’m not so sure what they’re setting up here, but, alexx being in some fender bender (read: off filming a movie to make some extra dough during the writers strike) and h’s mysterious ex, aka kyle’s mom, aka bimbo, being tied to some murder scene that h is conveniently investigating are not related in any way. It’s not freaky Friday calleigh.
Calleigh: horatio had to tell her that kyle was in jail
Natalia: so that poor woman got bad news about her husband and her son on the same day. (1. “bad news” about her husband is that he’s dead. That’s a little more than bad news, especially when you throw in that he got shot in the back his own house. 2. um, if she gave a shit, she would have known about the kid being in jail long ago.)
So the lawyer gives out free pens and now he’s suspect numero uno. I have pens from doggie day cares, hotels i’ve been to, and probably a bail bonds place. If someone kills me while i’m signing a check that’s a long suspect list to go through
Dumbass_lawyer: bill insisted on signing everything alone. Said it gave him clarity (does that even make any sense? they are really stretching here. They must have wrote this right before spring break at the community college. Or more likely right after. If you live in Miami already, spring break is pretty cheap = lots of extra money for booze and coke)
Dumbass_lawyer: i collected his papers and left. (so he collected some bloody ass papers and jetted without calling the cops. Left to “take care of his affairs”. Nice guy. And what was that guy hiding)
Pathetic_kidnap_girl: i’m not strong miss nivens…(yes, let’s play into the weak female stereotype yet again. All we need is h to save the day to make it complete)
I hate this moron DA
Kyle: i know what i did was wrong….
Of course someone had a gun to his head. That’s the only way h’s kid could do something wrong
This is an extremely creepy h/kyle scene
H: i’m fine…what do you mean? (oh he just so tuned in to h)
Nothing like getting coaching from h…i’m sure he’s gotten out of many a child molestation trial in his day
Does this kid seriously call h “dad”...
Frank: custody is a big step Horatio (dude, the kid is like 16, it’s only a 2 year sentence)
B_d_d: killer was under the floor
Alexx: but there are no basements in Miami (i think she actually read a cue card there)
B_d_d: alexx, money can buy you a basement if you want it (so clever)
Enough wine?
Natalia: i expect nothing less from h (oh dear lord spare me)
Arrogant_moron_in_the_basement: how did you guys figure out i was in the cellar…..you guys…are good
The Tiffany’s of wine….
a_m_i_b: you got me <hands up>….why don’t you slow down there…i’ve never fired a gun in my life…i’m no scientist (really, you don’t say. Neither are these idiots)
h: excuse me…don’t go far…
h: do it now or i’ll tear your office apart….do it now (oh he’s such a tough guy)
annulment papers….of course
oh and for fraud…this ought to be an awesome explanation
this guy is a billionaire and he asks his lawyer to check into his latest bimbo AFTER they were married. Are we still on planet earth?
I like the words jumping off the bloody page. Nice software.
5 different identities. Tell me h got duped!
H: and that…is called motive
Kyle (moron): i always knew you’d come back (what a pathetic ass loser. You’re too old to be a mama’s boy)
OH SNAP…she did not just say “so handsome…LIKE YOUR FATHER” i just threw up in my mouth. And conveniently, h is lurking. They’re going to be a real family, i just know it. vomit.
Bimbo: you failed to mention his trial today
H: you failed to mention your 5 aliases you’ve used over 15 years
So she’s at the lawyer’s and starts digging through his papers for pretty much no reason
So this idiot hides the gun in her car
Bimbo: i have no idea how that got there (uh huh)
H: hook her up please
Bimbo: you’re wasting your time
H: why is that
Bimbo: because you still love me (what the hell does that have to do with anything. Seriously. Bitch, you off-ed your richie-rich husband – although probably not because this is csi Miami – and what h thinks has very little to do with the consequences of that)
She’s a billionaire and she drives a Mercedes. They’re nice and all, but she could do better.
And really, it is lucky for her he was shot before he finished signing…but i bet it would be close enough to count as being signed
B_d_d: 10 card….
Since when do they check the prints visually, that’s what all their fancy non-existent computers are for.
Calleigh: why’d you do it
a_m_i_b: the help screws it up (dude…you are the help)
lucky for kyle he’s got frank on his side, practically testifying for him
oh snap, the judge is against the DA, good news for kyle. Oh and look at that, the victim didn’t show up. How convenient.
Right, h is going to send his team to look for her
H: where’s Kathleen, Julia. (this lady is a real whack job, of course h was involved with her. She’s needy and crazy all in one!)
Currency band. Those really don’t just slip off.
If i may quote the steve miller band: go on take the money and run!
Natalia: blah, blah, chemical names
Bimbo_housekeeper: <eyes glazed over> what does that mean?
Bimbo: the best charity is anonymous (um, yeah, you’re all about charity)
Bimbo_housekeeper: do you have a body (do you have a brain?)
Bimbo: i’ll be in court looking after my son
Of course….case dismissed
I don’t think the criminal court judge would know about his custody papers
AND i can pretty much guaran-fucking-tee they don’t let the kid have the final say. Hey kid: do you like living with your manic dad who drinks too much and often goes on three day benders leaving you alone. Or with your boring old mom who doesn’t let you stay up past 11 on school nights or have hookers at the house. Ever.
Bimbo: i’m no lawyer (no shit)
H: i’m going to find her Julia….i’m not actually talking about my son
Oh the old sun pass got her! Too bad those things don’t work right.
B_d_d: do you have a twenty on tripp (more like $100 that the bastard will have a heart attack this year…oh wait, you mean something else)
Blah…blah…jurisdiction
H: son…i can’t tell you not to do this
Kyle: blah, blah…mama’s boy….this is a recipe for disaster.
Of course she lets him drive the phat ride. Probably doesn’t even have a license.
Bimbo: i’m his mother (like that’s supposed to mean something)
What’s with the flash to the alligator jumping in the water. Is this subliminal Miami-style
Hmmm…so the money was a just a decoy…so clever.
Tivo Description: Horataio’s ex, Kyle’s mother, resurfaces as a billionaire’s widow who will do anything to get her son back.
Bimbo: blah, blah, blah….upscale properties…
Bimbo_ex_who_is_way_prettier_than_h_can_EVER_get_even_tho_she’s_a_bit_of_a_horse_face: <dramatic entrance> I’m over here john…but that’s not your name anymore, is it (oh the mystery that surrounds h!)
h: <creepy smirk that just sent chills down my spine in a bad way> mrs. Winston, frank, is kyle’s mother
VERY ODD STARING CONTEST
H: long enough Julia, long enough
Bimbo: i wasn’t equipped to raise him….i didn’t want to burden you (dude, you have more money than the Rockefellers. It’s called a nanny)
H: i want you tell me what happened
Ok, i’m not so sure what they’re setting up here, but, alexx being in some fender bender (read: off filming a movie to make some extra dough during the writers strike) and h’s mysterious ex, aka kyle’s mom, aka bimbo, being tied to some murder scene that h is conveniently investigating are not related in any way. It’s not freaky Friday calleigh.
Calleigh: horatio had to tell her that kyle was in jail
Natalia: so that poor woman got bad news about her husband and her son on the same day. (1. “bad news” about her husband is that he’s dead. That’s a little more than bad news, especially when you throw in that he got shot in the back his own house. 2. um, if she gave a shit, she would have known about the kid being in jail long ago.)
So the lawyer gives out free pens and now he’s suspect numero uno. I have pens from doggie day cares, hotels i’ve been to, and probably a bail bonds place. If someone kills me while i’m signing a check that’s a long suspect list to go through
Dumbass_lawyer: bill insisted on signing everything alone. Said it gave him clarity (does that even make any sense? they are really stretching here. They must have wrote this right before spring break at the community college. Or more likely right after. If you live in Miami already, spring break is pretty cheap = lots of extra money for booze and coke)
Dumbass_lawyer: i collected his papers and left. (so he collected some bloody ass papers and jetted without calling the cops. Left to “take care of his affairs”. Nice guy. And what was that guy hiding)
Pathetic_kidnap_girl: i’m not strong miss nivens…(yes, let’s play into the weak female stereotype yet again. All we need is h to save the day to make it complete)
I hate this moron DA
Kyle: i know what i did was wrong….
Of course someone had a gun to his head. That’s the only way h’s kid could do something wrong
This is an extremely creepy h/kyle scene
H: i’m fine…what do you mean? (oh he just so tuned in to h)
Nothing like getting coaching from h…i’m sure he’s gotten out of many a child molestation trial in his day
Does this kid seriously call h “dad”...
Frank: custody is a big step Horatio (dude, the kid is like 16, it’s only a 2 year sentence)
B_d_d: killer was under the floor
Alexx: but there are no basements in Miami (i think she actually read a cue card there)
B_d_d: alexx, money can buy you a basement if you want it (so clever)
Enough wine?
Natalia: i expect nothing less from h (oh dear lord spare me)
Arrogant_moron_in_the_basement: how did you guys figure out i was in the cellar…..you guys…are good
The Tiffany’s of wine….
a_m_i_b: you got me <hands up>….why don’t you slow down there…i’ve never fired a gun in my life…i’m no scientist (really, you don’t say. Neither are these idiots)
h: excuse me…don’t go far…
h: do it now or i’ll tear your office apart….do it now (oh he’s such a tough guy)
annulment papers….of course
oh and for fraud…this ought to be an awesome explanation
this guy is a billionaire and he asks his lawyer to check into his latest bimbo AFTER they were married. Are we still on planet earth?
I like the words jumping off the bloody page. Nice software.
5 different identities. Tell me h got duped!
H: and that…is called motive
Kyle (moron): i always knew you’d come back (what a pathetic ass loser. You’re too old to be a mama’s boy)
OH SNAP…she did not just say “so handsome…LIKE YOUR FATHER” i just threw up in my mouth. And conveniently, h is lurking. They’re going to be a real family, i just know it. vomit.
Bimbo: you failed to mention his trial today
H: you failed to mention your 5 aliases you’ve used over 15 years
So she’s at the lawyer’s and starts digging through his papers for pretty much no reason
So this idiot hides the gun in her car
Bimbo: i have no idea how that got there (uh huh)
H: hook her up please
Bimbo: you’re wasting your time
H: why is that
Bimbo: because you still love me (what the hell does that have to do with anything. Seriously. Bitch, you off-ed your richie-rich husband – although probably not because this is csi Miami – and what h thinks has very little to do with the consequences of that)
She’s a billionaire and she drives a Mercedes. They’re nice and all, but she could do better.
And really, it is lucky for her he was shot before he finished signing…but i bet it would be close enough to count as being signed
B_d_d: 10 card….
Since when do they check the prints visually, that’s what all their fancy non-existent computers are for.
Calleigh: why’d you do it
a_m_i_b: the help screws it up (dude…you are the help)
lucky for kyle he’s got frank on his side, practically testifying for him
oh snap, the judge is against the DA, good news for kyle. Oh and look at that, the victim didn’t show up. How convenient.
Right, h is going to send his team to look for her
H: where’s Kathleen, Julia. (this lady is a real whack job, of course h was involved with her. She’s needy and crazy all in one!)
Currency band. Those really don’t just slip off.
If i may quote the steve miller band: go on take the money and run!
Natalia: blah, blah, chemical names
Bimbo_housekeeper: <eyes glazed over> what does that mean?
Bimbo: the best charity is anonymous (um, yeah, you’re all about charity)
Bimbo_housekeeper: do you have a body (do you have a brain?)
Bimbo: i’ll be in court looking after my son
Of course….case dismissed
I don’t think the criminal court judge would know about his custody papers
AND i can pretty much guaran-fucking-tee they don’t let the kid have the final say. Hey kid: do you like living with your manic dad who drinks too much and often goes on three day benders leaving you alone. Or with your boring old mom who doesn’t let you stay up past 11 on school nights or have hookers at the house. Ever.
Bimbo: i’m no lawyer (no shit)
H: i’m going to find her Julia….i’m not actually talking about my son
Oh the old sun pass got her! Too bad those things don’t work right.
B_d_d: do you have a twenty on tripp (more like $100 that the bastard will have a heart attack this year…oh wait, you mean something else)
Blah…blah…jurisdiction
H: son…i can’t tell you not to do this
Kyle: blah, blah…mama’s boy….this is a recipe for disaster.
Of course she lets him drive the phat ride. Probably doesn’t even have a license.
Bimbo: i’m his mother (like that’s supposed to mean something)
What’s with the flash to the alligator jumping in the water. Is this subliminal Miami-style
Hmmm…so the money was a just a decoy…so clever.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
You May Now Kill the Bride - 3/24/2008 - a second opinion
Tonight’s episode: You may now kill the bride!
A baseball superstar's wedding comes to a tragic end as his bride-to-be is shot as she says, "I do." Trace evidence found under the bride's fingernails leads the team to a gentlemen's club, where the bachelor party festivities happened the night before, and to one particular lap dancer, Kelly Chapman, who is discovered to have long-standing ties to the groom. When a wireless PDA triggered a gun that was found mounted to the underside of the groom's car, the team determines that the bride was not the intended victim, but the stripper was. She had been blackmailing the groom with incriminating pictures of him dressed up in women's lingerie, and his best friend and teammate conspired to do her in to prevent her from going public with the information.
Body count: 1
The Crimes:
Victim(s): The bride, Susan Alston
Suspect(s): Her groom, his weaselly agent, his gun-toting bodyguard, the stripper, and the groom's teammate/best man
Whodunit: Russell Brooks, the groom's teammate/best man
Path of evidence:
From the field:
· Gun holder mounted to the underside of the limo
· Switched veil
· Bullet fragments
From the morgue:
· Bullet fragments
From the lab:
· switched veil
· fingerprint on the Gentlemen's Club receipt
Music:
Candy Kisses: Amanda Perez
Won't Get Fooled Again: The Who
Candy Kisses (Remix): Amanda Perez ft Gabriel Antonio
I Love Them Girls: Tank
Sexual Eruption : Snoop Dogg
Shake Your Pom Pom: Missy Elliott
This episode was making my synapses fire in my brain almost randomly! So with that in mind, let’s get started and outline it in bulleted format!
WTF is going on with that music?
OK, you can kill the special effects now – I am getting seasick.
The Bride is: Thin, I mean really thin. You can even see the VPL on it’s VPL.
The Groom is: He’s gay. I am calling it here and now. Too good of teeth and hair. Maybe they can share bikini bottoms on little private honeymoon beach in Aruba.
My Wife’s comment: “Look how skinny she is. I wish I was that skinny. Do you think she’s too thin? Maybe I could be thinner.” (Good move for Mike – I kept my mouth shut.)
My comment (that got me a “shush” command): “Wow – do you think she can still wear white to a wedding? And look, her butt is only two ‘hands’ wide. Is that how you measure it? Like horses?” “She’s 21 hands high and two hands wide. Maybe she just got out of the Beijing National Circus and Concentration Camp.
Bang! Now … it … gets … interesting!
My comment: “Well she may be thin but the bullet still hit that big old head of hers – cool!”
The bride is down (he called her Susan – but don’t get too attached to her ‘cause I think she’s T.U.) and the Groom are so smarmy! I just want to scream or start chanting; Susan and Greg sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love then comes … oh, just kill me. Wait, maybe that won’t be necessary,.
Well back to the head shot – good one. She went down like a ton of rice in a white wedding dress. I kind of miss the blood. There should be more blood. Maybe that’s how she stayed so thin. Thin blood.
So what does the groom say? “Susan, come back, come back!” What the fuck is he thinking – half her brains are leaking out. I am pretty sure she would end up like rain man if she did come back. “Three minutes to Wapner”.
Nice that the boys pulled him to safety.
Continuity error (my wife caught it) – first the dead bride is flat as an ironing board on the grass and then she has one leg up. Is she trying to get a “leg up” on all the other dead brides? Susan is soooo competitive! And thin – did I mention thin?
Medical Examiner: “Poor girl took a bullet…” Well duh!
Now we are learning more, wait – he’s a friggin’ baseball star! (he still looks gay – not that there’s anything wrong with that.)
BTW – I have never heard of a no-fly-zone over a wedding. I think he just made that up.
H: “The bride is … dead.” A lot of people keep saying that. I wonder what they would do if she suddenly levitated up.
My wife’s comment: Look at those urns – tacky! And who did the flowers in the urns? They look terrible! (I think she was starting to drift off of the main plot that was a dead bride and a baseball player.
Here comes H doing the little H walk.
H to Alex: “As soon as you can!” (He should have repeated that to make it cooler!)
What is with this camera work – everyone is up close and missing the tops of their heads. Annoying. Maybe the hair people are on strike. We can’t win!
Strip club – gentlemen’s club. Hmmm. Not too convinced about his explanation.
Scene (seen) at the strip club gentlemen’s club: Is this slow-mo lesbo action? Sweet! I love this show!
The “strippers wear more than the highschool girls that walk through my neighborhood to school each day – not that there’s anything wrong with that.
It’s raining one hundred dollar bills? I am pretty sure that is not true. Then again, I have never been to a gentlemen’s club.
A GPS chip? WTG – more magic technology? And she has the software to track it. No amendments were broken there I’ll bet!
Gun-mount on a Rolls? WTF?!?
H: “It’s a little thing we like to call … Murder One!”
“Look at all those priors…”
Caliegh with a veil – cute
The hooker – dancer – whatever – came to the wedding? Probably sat next to the Bride’s (now dead) mom…
“Greg’s my best customer”
Pretty cool hooker – get the cooler she is going to need it soon.
Trans – dresser or whatever
Photos in fishnets – every boy’s dream
OK – here’s the deal, when I was just a boy of 10 my daddy sat me and my brother down at the table and said: Boys, there are three rules you must always follow:
1. If you are going to dress in women’s underwear be a woman
Or 2. it is OK if you are English
Or finally 3. if you insist – don’t do it with a hooker who owns a camera!
It was the Agent’s phone – right! I sense deception here…
“That’s my phone!” “It’s a murder weapon my friend!”
OK – so here’s is what I learned:
· Baseball players have body guards – and fishnet panties
· Brides are easy targets
· There is a place on a Rolls Royce to attach a gun mount
· Girlfriend looks good in red too
· Finally – I don’t need to see the inside of a Gentlemen’s Club if the girls keep their clothes on – just sayin’
For that reason …
… I give this episode a coveted 5 (out of 5) Dead Hooker rating!
Excellent!
“I won’t …. Get fooled … Again!”
A baseball superstar's wedding comes to a tragic end as his bride-to-be is shot as she says, "I do." Trace evidence found under the bride's fingernails leads the team to a gentlemen's club, where the bachelor party festivities happened the night before, and to one particular lap dancer, Kelly Chapman, who is discovered to have long-standing ties to the groom. When a wireless PDA triggered a gun that was found mounted to the underside of the groom's car, the team determines that the bride was not the intended victim, but the stripper was. She had been blackmailing the groom with incriminating pictures of him dressed up in women's lingerie, and his best friend and teammate conspired to do her in to prevent her from going public with the information.
Body count: 1
The Crimes:
Victim(s): The bride, Susan Alston
Suspect(s): Her groom, his weaselly agent, his gun-toting bodyguard, the stripper, and the groom's teammate/best man
Whodunit: Russell Brooks, the groom's teammate/best man
Path of evidence:
From the field:
· Gun holder mounted to the underside of the limo
· Switched veil
· Bullet fragments
From the morgue:
· Bullet fragments
From the lab:
· switched veil
· fingerprint on the Gentlemen's Club receipt
Music:
Candy Kisses: Amanda Perez
Won't Get Fooled Again: The Who
Candy Kisses (Remix): Amanda Perez ft Gabriel Antonio
I Love Them Girls: Tank
Sexual Eruption : Snoop Dogg
Shake Your Pom Pom: Missy Elliott
This episode was making my synapses fire in my brain almost randomly! So with that in mind, let’s get started and outline it in bulleted format!
WTF is going on with that music?
OK, you can kill the special effects now – I am getting seasick.
The Bride is: Thin, I mean really thin. You can even see the VPL on it’s VPL.
The Groom is: He’s gay. I am calling it here and now. Too good of teeth and hair. Maybe they can share bikini bottoms on little private honeymoon beach in Aruba.
My Wife’s comment: “Look how skinny she is. I wish I was that skinny. Do you think she’s too thin? Maybe I could be thinner.” (Good move for Mike – I kept my mouth shut.)
My comment (that got me a “shush” command): “Wow – do you think she can still wear white to a wedding? And look, her butt is only two ‘hands’ wide. Is that how you measure it? Like horses?” “She’s 21 hands high and two hands wide. Maybe she just got out of the Beijing National Circus and Concentration Camp.
Bang! Now … it … gets … interesting!
My comment: “Well she may be thin but the bullet still hit that big old head of hers – cool!”
The bride is down (he called her Susan – but don’t get too attached to her ‘cause I think she’s T.U.) and the Groom are so smarmy! I just want to scream or start chanting; Susan and Greg sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love then comes … oh, just kill me. Wait, maybe that won’t be necessary,.
Well back to the head shot – good one. She went down like a ton of rice in a white wedding dress. I kind of miss the blood. There should be more blood. Maybe that’s how she stayed so thin. Thin blood.
So what does the groom say? “Susan, come back, come back!” What the fuck is he thinking – half her brains are leaking out. I am pretty sure she would end up like rain man if she did come back. “Three minutes to Wapner”.
Nice that the boys pulled him to safety.
Continuity error (my wife caught it) – first the dead bride is flat as an ironing board on the grass and then she has one leg up. Is she trying to get a “leg up” on all the other dead brides? Susan is soooo competitive! And thin – did I mention thin?
Medical Examiner: “Poor girl took a bullet…” Well duh!
Now we are learning more, wait – he’s a friggin’ baseball star! (he still looks gay – not that there’s anything wrong with that.)
BTW – I have never heard of a no-fly-zone over a wedding. I think he just made that up.
H: “The bride is … dead.” A lot of people keep saying that. I wonder what they would do if she suddenly levitated up.
My wife’s comment: Look at those urns – tacky! And who did the flowers in the urns? They look terrible! (I think she was starting to drift off of the main plot that was a dead bride and a baseball player.
Here comes H doing the little H walk.
H to Alex: “As soon as you can!” (He should have repeated that to make it cooler!)
What is with this camera work – everyone is up close and missing the tops of their heads. Annoying. Maybe the hair people are on strike. We can’t win!
Strip club – gentlemen’s club. Hmmm. Not too convinced about his explanation.
Scene (seen) at the strip club gentlemen’s club: Is this slow-mo lesbo action? Sweet! I love this show!
The “strippers wear more than the highschool girls that walk through my neighborhood to school each day – not that there’s anything wrong with that.
It’s raining one hundred dollar bills? I am pretty sure that is not true. Then again, I have never been to a gentlemen’s club.
A GPS chip? WTG – more magic technology? And she has the software to track it. No amendments were broken there I’ll bet!
Gun-mount on a Rolls? WTF?!?
H: “It’s a little thing we like to call … Murder One!”
“Look at all those priors…”
Caliegh with a veil – cute
The hooker – dancer – whatever – came to the wedding? Probably sat next to the Bride’s (now dead) mom…
“Greg’s my best customer”
Pretty cool hooker – get the cooler she is going to need it soon.
Trans – dresser or whatever
Photos in fishnets – every boy’s dream
OK – here’s the deal, when I was just a boy of 10 my daddy sat me and my brother down at the table and said: Boys, there are three rules you must always follow:
1. If you are going to dress in women’s underwear be a woman
Or 2. it is OK if you are English
Or finally 3. if you insist – don’t do it with a hooker who owns a camera!
It was the Agent’s phone – right! I sense deception here…
“That’s my phone!” “It’s a murder weapon my friend!”
OK – so here’s is what I learned:
· Baseball players have body guards – and fishnet panties
· Brides are easy targets
· There is a place on a Rolls Royce to attach a gun mount
· Girlfriend looks good in red too
· Finally – I don’t need to see the inside of a Gentlemen’s Club if the girls keep their clothes on – just sayin’
For that reason …
… I give this episode a coveted 5 (out of 5) Dead Hooker rating!
Excellent!
“I won’t …. Get fooled … Again!”
You May Now Kill the Bride - 3/24/2008
You May Now Kill the Bride
Tivo Description: Murder at a wedding leads the team to a strip club. (they love the strip clubs on this shows. And, aside from Miami-land, on what planet are strip clubs and weddings tied together? They didn’t say “a murder at a bachelor party was at a strip club.” Now that would make sense)
Oh split screens, how i’ve missed you!
Oh lack of working brain cells, how i’ve missed you!
I always find weddings so entertaining. Like somehow the fancy suits make the groomsmen respectable. In college they were just drunk frat boys who preyed on women and did keg stands for fun, and at the bachelor party the night before, it is obvious none of them have changed.
And the women are no better. They’re all talking trash on the wedding guests, the bride, and each other, the entire time.
Oh, the bride hesitated on “I do”…
The fake death fall, the Braveheart style scream, the guests running away. All, in a day’s work in Miami.
Tell me they have wedding security guards, running the groom off like he’s the president during an assassination attempt. And i like how everyone took off and left all the bridesmaids standing there like morons.
And the limo peels out like it’s H driving the hummer to find the vaporizer.
Oh H condescending tone, how I’ve missed you!
A no fly zone!
H: My name is Lieutenant Horatio Caine (in case we’ve forgotten over the past few months)…<angry-a-woman-was-harmed-voice> mr. tanner is conspicuously absent. Where is he?
<glasses on!>
It’s been 5 minutes. There have been about 7 lines of dialogue, and a million gratuitous flash back scenes. How dare they go on strike. How fucking dare they.
H: shell casing (drink!)
Alexx: substance under the finger nails…i’m thinking she may have gotten into a fight before the wedding (KLASSY with a K! what did i say about the fancy clothes not really changing anything)
H: A fight. On her wedding day (A+ for your retention skills, h. you may now graduate to first grade.)
Another helicopter or two and ½ the MDPD force out for a “missing” baseball player. Guaranteed he’ll show up for his job that’s, oh, broadcast on national television.
frank: that’s a felony mistake (limo_driver should have taken the chance to run him down!)
frank: here comes the groom
dumbass_groom: i can tell you who did it, it was me. (oh this is going to be some lame ass sob story about how he ruined her life or some bs and he’s now responsible for her death)
dumbass_groom: gotta be some obsessed fan…didn’t want me breaking up the team…a wife didn’t fit in that picture (that makes zero sense. I’m sure the fans could give a crap if you’re married. Does it make a difference in how you play the game? Doubtful at best. So who freakin cares?)
h: so you believe you’re responsible for your wife’s death (called it! drink!)
dumbass_groom: you ever see someone you love die, lieutenant?
(OH HERE WE GO!!!)
<cue sappy music>
H: as a matter of fact, i have mr. tanner
dumbass_groom: right in front of your eyes
h: yeah
dumbass_groom: when will i get this image out of my mind
h: you won’t
(oh spare me. They’re really pulling out all the stops tonight)
Alexx: cat fight
B_d_d: it’s glitter wax. They use it at all the high end clubs on the dancer’s poles
Alexx: and just how would you know? (exactly what i was thinking, alexx)
B_d_d: greg tanner’s bachelor party was at a “gentleman’s” club last night
Alexx: so the bride went to the bachelor party at a strip club (called it! drink!)
B_d_d: gentleman’s club
Alexx: what’s the difference?
B_d_d: i can afford to get into a strip club (wow, i’d hate to see the talent at the clubs b_d_d can afford. It’s like gambling off-strip in vegas at 4 am, which i’ve done. It ain’t pretty, but it sure is cheap)
Gratuitous strippers. CSI: Miami is back!
So we have the hookers. All we need is the blow. And 10 large to be involved.
Strip_club_tour_guide: i don’t even know how that guy made it to the wedding, and the bride, she drank everybody under the table. (ok. First of all, this dummy is talking WAY too much. The whole point of paying 10 large an hour is that you’re paying for discretion. No employee in one of these places would talk to the cops, let alone some rent-a-cop csi’s, without a ride down to the station and a little time in the lockup. Secondly, “gentlemen’s” club or not, she is a little too refined to be a hooker. I mean stripper. I mean dancer. That dummy making 4 large an hour for banging the governor of NY only has about 3 brain cells, so strip_club_tour_guide’s ability to string together sentences just seems a little off.)
So strip_club_tour_guide goes off to get the “entertainer” from the party. Riddle me this. Why is she still at work after working a 14+hour shift.
What’s up with all the creepy looks between b_d_d and the hookers
B_d_d: you hosted greg tanner’s bachelor party last night?
Hooker: didn’t host it exactly, but if that works for you..
B_d_d: i might have to swab you for a comparison (right)
Hooker: keep your swab in your pocket officer
Hooker: you don’t get it, do you, she wanted me to dance for her (of course. Gee, i wonder if most of these fine “writers” are male?)
Oh my god, how is any of this necessary.
Hooker: not until it started raining…ball players want to be like rappers…showering dancers with hundreds. (fools and their money…..)
Calleigh: we’ll be in touch
Hooker: touching is extra
(seriously. WTF.)
Alexx: horatio, that young bride
H: never had to die <off to the crime scene>
Metal detectors…very low tech for Miami
Calleigh: bullet frag (drink!)
A 1.8 million dollar veil?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
A gps chip in the veil. Unlikely
H: for a little thing that we like to call murder one
Back to the hookers.
B_d_d: i’m slammed, but you sounded frantic on the phone (h’s little protégé – saver of hookers)
Strip_club_tour_guide: this guy use a fake credit card, completely skipped out on his bill, for 20 large. (ok, i don’t think i really want to know, but i’m sort of curious as to what, exactly, you’re getting for 20 large in a “gentleman’s” club. As an aside, i guess b_d_d gets a piece of the action for free, since he can only afford low end strip joints, and this is now his second trip there, this time without old stick in the mud calleigh)
I’m the one who’s kind of on the hook, the owner here, he’s going to make me pay back every single dime. And i don’t have any where near that kind of money (this makes no sense for several reasons. 1. if you use a bum credit card, the charge won’t go through and you go back to the person and request a new card or the 20 large in cash. 2. no business owner makes their employee pay for something like that, how can this twit possibly be the credit card police)
B_d_d: what do you want me to do about it? (um, pay it. come on b_d_d, h would just pay the whole thing. How can you expect to be mini-h if you don’t bail out the distressed hooker)
Strip_club_tour_guide: it’s club policy, no customer can leave without putting their thumb print on their credit card receipt. (unlikely – it’s a “gentleman’s” club, the whole point is discretion, as discussed above. Also, she is under the misguided notion that a thumb print will automatically help you find someone. That only works if they’re in the friggin database. Which, i doubt this person is. People who can afford this shit can also pay to get records expunged.)
B_d_d: blah, blah, i ain’t doin’ it, i’ll give you a number
OH SNAP! she did not just use her stripperly wiles on him. Well, he was bitching about his inability to drool over the high-end tail.
B_d_d: you don’t have to do this this way (OH MY GOD. How unrealistic is that. Every single cop out there uses their badge for exactly this purpose.)
Strip_club_tour_guide: sorry. I’m just scared. (uh huh)
B_d_d: no promises, ok? (so you’re doing exactly what she wants, when you said you wouldn’t, and you didn’t even take the free “lap dance”. Way to stand up for yourself. I think you need to go back in for some more brain function testing. And a chromosome check. Are you sure you’re a dude? No dude i know would walk away)
So on the receipt, there is a total and then what is presumably tax. Looks like the hooker tax in florida is about 17%
Traitor_wolfe: so, what’cha doing (um, his damn job. What the hell do you think?)
B_d_d: blah blah, vague half truths
Traitor_wolfe: so that’s how it is now, we’re not going to be sharing information with each other anymore
B_d_d: relax traitor_wolfe (wow, this episode is more forced and stiff than normal. Maybe it’s a new semester at the city college and they have a fresh batch of bottom-of-the-barrel writers)
So, based on the best man’s clothing, it looks like only a few hours have passed since the murder since he’s still wearing his tux. I like the time warp factor in Miami
HAHAHAHHA the club is called “The Pole”
Best_man: i can’t go to jail, i got training camp in a week (oh, i’m sorry, does the law interrupt your personal schedule. Oh wait, this is american justice, you can probably get off based on that argument. See also: oj)
B_d_d: you gotta pay that girl back every cent (um, i think you mean you need to pay the strip club)
Calleigh: did you fire your weapon today
Frank: no, why
Calleigh: you’re glowing
Frank: i have no idea how that got there (HAHAHAHHAHAHA. Sounds like something you’d be more likely to say if it were mystery dna or lipstick on your collar or something. And if you were a suspect, there is no way anyone would believe you)
Enter h – with the shades on INSIDE
Nice touch with calleigh’s reflection in the car’s grill
Calleigh: gun mount (drink!) on this undercarriage...electronic trigger with wireless receiver (seriously? That’s determination)
H: so it was remotely fired (again with the retention skills, h. A+)
Limo_driver: how do you know that bullet wasn’t meant for me (oh, nice distraction trick. It should work on h)
Recreate the moment. This has got to be some sort of B_d_d fantasy. Why, exactly, did calleigh need to put on the veil. She’s wearing the fake veil, the one with the blood and crap on it. gross. And, how fitting, calleigh is dressed all in white and b_d_d is wearing a suit jacket.
I like how the super-computer goes from a picture of the wedding audience to an individual breakdown of all of their profiles in like 3 seconds
Why the fuck was the stripper/hooker a guest at the wedding. This is the most ridiculous episode ever!
Oh the hooker was the intended victim. Perfect! H can save a hooker, his specialty
H: We need to find her!
Hooker: i don’t understand (what else is new) (also, she hasn’t changed her outfit since she left the strip club. I imagine when she’s at home, she might wear something a bit more comfortable)
Hooker: Greg was my best customer
Calleigh: So you’ve danced for greg more than once (um, i think that “best customer” means she’s danced for him plenty of times. You do not excel at information retention like h)
Hooker: extra curricular sessions (drink!)
Calleigh: so he was at your home (think cheap motel calleigh, she’s a hooker)
Ew. Hooker needs to eat something. And they say the camera adds 10 pounds.
Calleigh: you look real pretty in this one…you know, i think this one is really my favorite (OH HAHAHAHAHHAHA. That is awesome. Absolutely classic. Although, i imagine he could pay the hooker for those pics. And she had them very conveniently located and in an envelope. I also like how they bring the friend and body guard in just so they can see those pics)
H: it’s a murder weapon, my friend (drink!)
Only in gangster-speak does “deal with it” mean to off someone. For the rest of us, it means, shut the person the fuck up.
Ahhhh… the angelic woman shot during the autopsy scene! Whew! Thought we’d be without that preachiness for an episode.
Ratings:
“gentleman’s club” – 4 dead hookers
Hookers, no blow – 3 dead hookers
B_d_d turning down the “lap dance” – 4 dead hookers
Hooker at the wedding – 5 dead hookers
Gratuitous strip club scenes – 2 dead hookers
20 large – 4 dead hookers
Hooker tax – 5 dead hookers
18 different male fantasies being fulfilled in one fun filled hour – 1 dead hooker
GPS chip in the veil – 4 dead hookers
Miami time warp – 3 dead hookers
Cross dressing photos – 3 dead hookers
Overall – 4 dead hookers.
It’s good to be back!
Tivo Description: Murder at a wedding leads the team to a strip club. (they love the strip clubs on this shows. And, aside from Miami-land, on what planet are strip clubs and weddings tied together? They didn’t say “a murder at a bachelor party was at a strip club.” Now that would make sense)
Oh split screens, how i’ve missed you!
Oh lack of working brain cells, how i’ve missed you!
I always find weddings so entertaining. Like somehow the fancy suits make the groomsmen respectable. In college they were just drunk frat boys who preyed on women and did keg stands for fun, and at the bachelor party the night before, it is obvious none of them have changed.
And the women are no better. They’re all talking trash on the wedding guests, the bride, and each other, the entire time.
Oh, the bride hesitated on “I do”…
The fake death fall, the Braveheart style scream, the guests running away. All, in a day’s work in Miami.
Tell me they have wedding security guards, running the groom off like he’s the president during an assassination attempt. And i like how everyone took off and left all the bridesmaids standing there like morons.
And the limo peels out like it’s H driving the hummer to find the vaporizer.
Oh H condescending tone, how I’ve missed you!
A no fly zone!
H: My name is Lieutenant Horatio Caine (in case we’ve forgotten over the past few months)…<angry-a-woman-was-harmed-voice> mr. tanner is conspicuously absent. Where is he?
<glasses on!>
It’s been 5 minutes. There have been about 7 lines of dialogue, and a million gratuitous flash back scenes. How dare they go on strike. How fucking dare they.
H: shell casing (drink!)
Alexx: substance under the finger nails…i’m thinking she may have gotten into a fight before the wedding (KLASSY with a K! what did i say about the fancy clothes not really changing anything)
H: A fight. On her wedding day (A+ for your retention skills, h. you may now graduate to first grade.)
Another helicopter or two and ½ the MDPD force out for a “missing” baseball player. Guaranteed he’ll show up for his job that’s, oh, broadcast on national television.
frank: that’s a felony mistake (limo_driver should have taken the chance to run him down!)
frank: here comes the groom
dumbass_groom: i can tell you who did it, it was me. (oh this is going to be some lame ass sob story about how he ruined her life or some bs and he’s now responsible for her death)
dumbass_groom: gotta be some obsessed fan…didn’t want me breaking up the team…a wife didn’t fit in that picture (that makes zero sense. I’m sure the fans could give a crap if you’re married. Does it make a difference in how you play the game? Doubtful at best. So who freakin cares?)
h: so you believe you’re responsible for your wife’s death (called it! drink!)
dumbass_groom: you ever see someone you love die, lieutenant?
(OH HERE WE GO!!!)
<cue sappy music>
H: as a matter of fact, i have mr. tanner
dumbass_groom: right in front of your eyes
h: yeah
dumbass_groom: when will i get this image out of my mind
h: you won’t
(oh spare me. They’re really pulling out all the stops tonight)
Alexx: cat fight
B_d_d: it’s glitter wax. They use it at all the high end clubs on the dancer’s poles
Alexx: and just how would you know? (exactly what i was thinking, alexx)
B_d_d: greg tanner’s bachelor party was at a “gentleman’s” club last night
Alexx: so the bride went to the bachelor party at a strip club (called it! drink!)
B_d_d: gentleman’s club
Alexx: what’s the difference?
B_d_d: i can afford to get into a strip club (wow, i’d hate to see the talent at the clubs b_d_d can afford. It’s like gambling off-strip in vegas at 4 am, which i’ve done. It ain’t pretty, but it sure is cheap)
Gratuitous strippers. CSI: Miami is back!
So we have the hookers. All we need is the blow. And 10 large to be involved.
Strip_club_tour_guide: i don’t even know how that guy made it to the wedding, and the bride, she drank everybody under the table. (ok. First of all, this dummy is talking WAY too much. The whole point of paying 10 large an hour is that you’re paying for discretion. No employee in one of these places would talk to the cops, let alone some rent-a-cop csi’s, without a ride down to the station and a little time in the lockup. Secondly, “gentlemen’s” club or not, she is a little too refined to be a hooker. I mean stripper. I mean dancer. That dummy making 4 large an hour for banging the governor of NY only has about 3 brain cells, so strip_club_tour_guide’s ability to string together sentences just seems a little off.)
So strip_club_tour_guide goes off to get the “entertainer” from the party. Riddle me this. Why is she still at work after working a 14+hour shift.
What’s up with all the creepy looks between b_d_d and the hookers
B_d_d: you hosted greg tanner’s bachelor party last night?
Hooker: didn’t host it exactly, but if that works for you..
B_d_d: i might have to swab you for a comparison (right)
Hooker: keep your swab in your pocket officer
Hooker: you don’t get it, do you, she wanted me to dance for her (of course. Gee, i wonder if most of these fine “writers” are male?)
Oh my god, how is any of this necessary.
Hooker: not until it started raining…ball players want to be like rappers…showering dancers with hundreds. (fools and their money…..)
Calleigh: we’ll be in touch
Hooker: touching is extra
(seriously. WTF.)
Alexx: horatio, that young bride
H: never had to die <off to the crime scene>
Metal detectors…very low tech for Miami
Calleigh: bullet frag (drink!)
A 1.8 million dollar veil?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
A gps chip in the veil. Unlikely
H: for a little thing that we like to call murder one
Back to the hookers.
B_d_d: i’m slammed, but you sounded frantic on the phone (h’s little protégé – saver of hookers)
Strip_club_tour_guide: this guy use a fake credit card, completely skipped out on his bill, for 20 large. (ok, i don’t think i really want to know, but i’m sort of curious as to what, exactly, you’re getting for 20 large in a “gentleman’s” club. As an aside, i guess b_d_d gets a piece of the action for free, since he can only afford low end strip joints, and this is now his second trip there, this time without old stick in the mud calleigh)
I’m the one who’s kind of on the hook, the owner here, he’s going to make me pay back every single dime. And i don’t have any where near that kind of money (this makes no sense for several reasons. 1. if you use a bum credit card, the charge won’t go through and you go back to the person and request a new card or the 20 large in cash. 2. no business owner makes their employee pay for something like that, how can this twit possibly be the credit card police)
B_d_d: what do you want me to do about it? (um, pay it. come on b_d_d, h would just pay the whole thing. How can you expect to be mini-h if you don’t bail out the distressed hooker)
Strip_club_tour_guide: it’s club policy, no customer can leave without putting their thumb print on their credit card receipt. (unlikely – it’s a “gentleman’s” club, the whole point is discretion, as discussed above. Also, she is under the misguided notion that a thumb print will automatically help you find someone. That only works if they’re in the friggin database. Which, i doubt this person is. People who can afford this shit can also pay to get records expunged.)
B_d_d: blah, blah, i ain’t doin’ it, i’ll give you a number
OH SNAP! she did not just use her stripperly wiles on him. Well, he was bitching about his inability to drool over the high-end tail.
B_d_d: you don’t have to do this this way (OH MY GOD. How unrealistic is that. Every single cop out there uses their badge for exactly this purpose.)
Strip_club_tour_guide: sorry. I’m just scared. (uh huh)
B_d_d: no promises, ok? (so you’re doing exactly what she wants, when you said you wouldn’t, and you didn’t even take the free “lap dance”. Way to stand up for yourself. I think you need to go back in for some more brain function testing. And a chromosome check. Are you sure you’re a dude? No dude i know would walk away)
So on the receipt, there is a total and then what is presumably tax. Looks like the hooker tax in florida is about 17%
Traitor_wolfe: so, what’cha doing (um, his damn job. What the hell do you think?)
B_d_d: blah blah, vague half truths
Traitor_wolfe: so that’s how it is now, we’re not going to be sharing information with each other anymore
B_d_d: relax traitor_wolfe (wow, this episode is more forced and stiff than normal. Maybe it’s a new semester at the city college and they have a fresh batch of bottom-of-the-barrel writers)
So, based on the best man’s clothing, it looks like only a few hours have passed since the murder since he’s still wearing his tux. I like the time warp factor in Miami
HAHAHAHHA the club is called “The Pole”
Best_man: i can’t go to jail, i got training camp in a week (oh, i’m sorry, does the law interrupt your personal schedule. Oh wait, this is american justice, you can probably get off based on that argument. See also: oj)
B_d_d: you gotta pay that girl back every cent (um, i think you mean you need to pay the strip club)
Calleigh: did you fire your weapon today
Frank: no, why
Calleigh: you’re glowing
Frank: i have no idea how that got there (HAHAHAHHAHAHA. Sounds like something you’d be more likely to say if it were mystery dna or lipstick on your collar or something. And if you were a suspect, there is no way anyone would believe you)
Enter h – with the shades on INSIDE
Nice touch with calleigh’s reflection in the car’s grill
Calleigh: gun mount (drink!) on this undercarriage...electronic trigger with wireless receiver (seriously? That’s determination)
H: so it was remotely fired (again with the retention skills, h. A+)
Limo_driver: how do you know that bullet wasn’t meant for me (oh, nice distraction trick. It should work on h)
Recreate the moment. This has got to be some sort of B_d_d fantasy. Why, exactly, did calleigh need to put on the veil. She’s wearing the fake veil, the one with the blood and crap on it. gross. And, how fitting, calleigh is dressed all in white and b_d_d is wearing a suit jacket.
I like how the super-computer goes from a picture of the wedding audience to an individual breakdown of all of their profiles in like 3 seconds
Why the fuck was the stripper/hooker a guest at the wedding. This is the most ridiculous episode ever!
Oh the hooker was the intended victim. Perfect! H can save a hooker, his specialty
H: We need to find her!
Hooker: i don’t understand (what else is new) (also, she hasn’t changed her outfit since she left the strip club. I imagine when she’s at home, she might wear something a bit more comfortable)
Hooker: Greg was my best customer
Calleigh: So you’ve danced for greg more than once (um, i think that “best customer” means she’s danced for him plenty of times. You do not excel at information retention like h)
Hooker: extra curricular sessions (drink!)
Calleigh: so he was at your home (think cheap motel calleigh, she’s a hooker)
Ew. Hooker needs to eat something. And they say the camera adds 10 pounds.
Calleigh: you look real pretty in this one…you know, i think this one is really my favorite (OH HAHAHAHAHHAHA. That is awesome. Absolutely classic. Although, i imagine he could pay the hooker for those pics. And she had them very conveniently located and in an envelope. I also like how they bring the friend and body guard in just so they can see those pics)
H: it’s a murder weapon, my friend (drink!)
Only in gangster-speak does “deal with it” mean to off someone. For the rest of us, it means, shut the person the fuck up.
Ahhhh… the angelic woman shot during the autopsy scene! Whew! Thought we’d be without that preachiness for an episode.
Ratings:
“gentleman’s club” – 4 dead hookers
Hookers, no blow – 3 dead hookers
B_d_d turning down the “lap dance” – 4 dead hookers
Hooker at the wedding – 5 dead hookers
Gratuitous strip club scenes – 2 dead hookers
20 large – 4 dead hookers
Hooker tax – 5 dead hookers
18 different male fantasies being fulfilled in one fun filled hour – 1 dead hooker
GPS chip in the veil – 4 dead hookers
Miami time warp – 3 dead hookers
Cross dressing photos – 3 dead hookers
Overall – 4 dead hookers.
It’s good to be back!
Sunday, March 16, 2008
12/17/2007
Miami Confidential
Tivo Description: The team uncovers a methamphetamine (drink!) lab in a murder victim’s apartment (not likely); an unscrupulous FBI agent has a secret life.
Short shorts and hummers! Hooray Miami!
Great song – Time of the Season – why did they sell out to this crap
Traitor_wolfe: looks like someone was thrown through the coffee table (cuz that happens everyday. He’s so nonchalant about it)
I like how dead girl landed perfectly on all the magazines.
Alexx: carotid artery (drink!) exsanguination (drink!)
Traitor_wolfe: hold on alexx…don’t put your hands on her… i’m thinking of trying something (i’m pretty sure necrophilia is illegal. Especially if you work with the dead)
Alexx: what are you thinking…..(big pause) you’re going to fume this body. For prints. Aren’t you. Right here (what the fuck, does she run a psychic friends hotline on the side. How could she possibly know that)
Traitor_wolfe: blah blah
Alexx: don’t give me the hard sell wolfe, just do what you gotta do before i whisk her away.
Fuming the body for prints, now this i have to see. I can’t believe this even works in real life. Oh wait, it probably doesn’t. but on csi Miami all you need is some painter’s plastic and a hair dryer.
Alexx: not bad for a make shift fuming chamber (is that like a hot box?)
Traitor_wolfe: i’ve popped a tent or two in my day (oh no he didn’t really say that.)
You mean to tell me these two idiots plugged yet another thing into that overloaded circuit. Aren’t they a doctor and a scientist? Further, of course, the overloaded circuit does not blow fuse, but sends the apartment into flames.
Alexx: ryyyyyannn
Alexx is beating the flames with a COUCH PILLOW. Now i’m no combustibles expert, but i’m thinking even a chicken knows that the pillow will burst into flames as well.
The meth lab is in the closet. I think that these genius writers have never actually seen a meth lab
Traitor_wolfe: this place is full of ammonia
Oh snap the body blew up!
Damn, they made it out alive.
So despite the fact that the apartment went from nothing to a raging inferno in like 3 seconds, and there was a boat load of combustibles in there, the rest of the apartment building is still standing and seemingly unscathed.
H: i need you at full strength (oh, you say that to all the little boys, h)
Fireman: fully operational meth lab. this place was a ticking time bomb. (ok. That apartment was way too clean to have a meth lab in it. That ‘lab’ was way too small to be a fully operational. If it were a real meth lab, they would have smelled the chemicals and other sundries as soon as they walked in. speaking of the chemicals and other sundries, i can’t fathom where that stuff was being stored, you buy in Costco sizes, not farmers market sizes. it’s unlikely that a meth lab would be in an apartment because there would be no where to dump the waste products. There wasn’t a hooker or angst-filled spoiled brat teenager in sight, two sure signs of a methlab)
Calleigh: ryan’s fuming tent didn’t start this fire (of course not)…the wall socket is cooked, i think that’s why the fan shorted. (yes, but that doesn’t answer the question of why those two dummies thought it was a good idea to plug a fan into a socket with like 18 plugs and extension cords. Or why, i dunno, they didn’t unplug a few things. Or wonder why the fuck all that shit was plugged into one wall socket. )
Frank: i’ll call delko, get him on it (cuz if he gets electrocuted, how much more damage can it really cause)
So the landlord is a suspect….why? he rented dead_girl a condo and obeyed the law by not going in without her permission. And why is dead_girl automatically a saint (oh that’s right, she’s a woman, all women are saints)…it is more logical to assume that since the meth lab was in her apartment, that she was the one cooking it, not the landlord.
A wire, of course she’s wearing one!
Alexx: so why was our baby girl bugged
(um, because the angel was working with the cops. Don’t you know all dead people, especially women, are working to leave behind the life of crime and better themselves)
Dead_girl_brother needs to go back to acting school. Oh wait, he never went.
Dead_girl_brother: rachel had a hard life…got in with the wrong crowd, parents sent her to rehab (correction. She did not have a hard life. She CHOSE to do all those things and mommy and daddy bailed her out. Don’t mistake being an idiot spoiled brat who makes moronic choices with having a hard life.)
More fun with natalia’s old fbi friends. This never ends well for anyone. And how was she in the FBI for years, took a total demotion to MDPD, and she’s like 23.
Fbi_dummy: unfortunately the bug wasn’t transmitting
H: why do you think that happened (uh oh, h smells a rat!)
Fbi_dummy: this is still an open investigation
H: so is her murder, mike, so is her murder (um, remind me again why these ‘writers’ felt like they had a right to go on strike)
Bdd: so traitor_wolfe torches this condo and he’s not here helping us sift through this…because? (shut up and do your job bdd or frank is going to send you to investigate why electric outlets are causing fires)
Calleigh: i was wondering if you would take those 4 cans of glass we collected at the crime scene and run them through dna (reality check: dna testing is very expensive and time consuming. Most labs in the country can’t afford to run many tests and are backed up for months. But they’re going to run 4 paint cans full of glass through dna on a whim)
Bdd: we’re going to need that asap.
Traitor_wolfe: the image editor software….one pixel at a time, dozens of color combinations per second…(and this piece of software that doesn’t exist is called “the image editor software”? you think they’d come up with a fancy name like WhoCanAffordThis Suite or HSucksDonkeysShop)
Natalia: i know who that is (of course it’s the shady fbi friend. I wonder if this is some sort of red herring and it’s another fbi guy who’s corrupt. Oh wait, these writers don’t know what red herring means)
Traitor_wolfe: 380 nanometers of ultraviolet light
Natalia: well, at least i know where to start
Traitor_wolfe: mike the f.b.i guy, right? (WRONG)
Natlalia: no, his wife (oh, the jealous spouse angle. Original)
Of course, they have an “understanding”. Those things are usually anything but. And seem to be common in Miami.
Crazy_wife: when he was home, he belonged to me
H: is something wrong miss boa vista (yeah, the way you’re looking at her ass)
And why is she all in white, AGAIN! These people work with dead, rotting, bloody bodies, all sorts of gross shit i don’t even want to think about, and yet she traipses around in white
White clothes on women = angelic
H always in the black suit in the Miami heat = mysterious
H: are you willing to do that now (that’s what he asked the hooker last night. But he paid her to say yes)
Wow, this informant is a hooker. What a surprise. Complete with lots of tattoos and blue hair. If she’s not actually a hooker, she may as well be. Although, i’m pretty sure real life hookers don’t actually dress like that or have all their teeth. And this “outfit” is what this woman chose to wear outside in the middle of the day. Well, i guess if you don’t have a job…
Informant_hooker_idiot: so i’m guessing this is about mikey?
Natalia: yeah, agent Fairlawn
Informant_hooker_idiot: he brought in this cute little number to replace me
Natalia: i’m guessing that bothered you? (really. What was your first clue?)
Informant_hooker_idiot: i thought he and i had something (are you new? To life? What’s wrong with you . oh right, you have no brain)
Informant_hooker_idiot: can i go? (awesome. She told her story. Now she’s bored. Time to go home and watch plants grow)
Fbi_dummy: you talked to jane?….she’s obsessed (what, exactly, did you think was going to happen. The murder investigation was going to stop because your old buddy was on the case. H would never stand for that!)
Fbi_dummy: i’m married BV (oh what a fun nickname!)
Natalia: she’s dead and you’re the only one left!
Fbi_dummy: you know me Natalia! (some of these writers must also write for soap operas)
Off into the sunset she walks!
Oh and now dead_girl was pregnant. Perfect! So if she was pregnant, why is it that a wine glass is what killed her. Must have been sparkling cider.
Alexx: catch this monster, calleigh. Catch this one.
Natalia: look at that, it’s not mike, but it does match another elimination sample.
Calleigh: zach hemming (OH MY GOD HER BROTHER. I’M GOING TO PUKE.)
Calleigh: zach, why was rachel pregnant with your baby, she’s your sister (there is no good answer to that question)
Zach: step sister (LIKE THAT MAKES IT OK)… we were 18 when our parents got married…lived a room apart (ok, these two look like they’re 30, how long was this going on AND how long were they both living with their parents)
Zach: she left me powerless…(boo hoo). I saw the drugs. She needed help. (and she was clearly going to be a model parent. Drinking and doing drugs while pregnant. Maybe the kid can grow up to be an actor on csi Miami)
Fbi_boss_guy: you questioned one of my agents today
H: we’re investigating the murder of one of your informants
Fbi_boss_guy: i’d like to ask you… to back off of agent Fairlawn (oh please. H does not do favors or help out other agencies. He’s a bridge burner, not a bridge builder)
H: he’s hiding something
Fbi_boss_guy: that’s his job lieutenant
Fbi_boss_guy: no chance lieutenant
H: hey glenn, if i find out that he got this girl killed…i’m going to get him! (ok, tough guy)
So why are they looking for the landlord at the condo where they found dead_girl. he doesn’t live there
H: you smell that frank
Frank: meth lab (that makes it sound like it’s some sort of fragrance. I know! The CSI: Miami perfume line. Eau’d Dead Hooker, Strip Club Back Room Body Spray, Methlab Spritz. And yet, earlier, when they were in the very same room as a meth lab, they smelled nothing and set the place on fire)
H: get down on the ground Jeremy
Jeremy: you got the wrong guy
(repeat 3x – the magic h number)
So traitor_wolfe is inspecting his clothes, while still on his body, for god knows what, with a magnifying glass. of course he finds some glass from the broken coffee table. What i don’t understand is the fact that there was no apparent need to change his clothes after a bloody murder, and two, how his white pants remained spotless!
Jeremy: let me clarify something else for you. That bitch deserved what she got…..she never, not once, tested our product. (all the smart drug dealers don’t use. Otherwise all the profits go up your nose)
Let me guess, she wouldn’t take a hit because she was pregnant…
Jeremy: didn’t anyone ever teach her the rules of the game. Blend in. she takes a hit, she lives to see another day…
Traitor_wolfe: (here it comes) you know what was off about her… she was pregnant! (ah yes, all women are saints, all pregnant women are angels)
H: live with that!
Traitor_wolfe, all judgy, snaps off his gloves
I’m so sure the fbi_boss_guy is just going to hand over all the audio files to dumb ass natlalia
Ah yes, all usb hubs are separate from the computer and light up when you put in the memory stick.
I like how the audio files are round and the date appears next to them, not in the properties like ON A REAL COMPUTER.
H: how does that grab you
Fbi_guy: listen up, both of you….don’t think i’m going to put up with your penny-ante, local pd nonsense, ok, you guys are way out of your league here…(oh that is just begging for an h-smack down)
Oh snap! hooker girl is back!
Nice apple product placement
Natalia: you were so busy with your investigation, you forgot she was a human being
H: THEY were human beings…not bad for a couple of penny-ante locals, huh
H: there is a way you can honor her life….forgive yourself (oh sage h words of wisdom)
And into the “writers” strike we go…
Ratings:
Hooker, alive, not dead – 4 dead hookers
Meth – 5 dead hookers
Conservative unborn children = murder anti-choice rantings – 1 dead hooker
Alexx as miss cleo – 2 dead hookers
Spotless white pants – 3 dead hookers
Fbi_dummy’s constant blank expression – 3 dead hookers
Incest – 3 dead hookers
Overall: 3 dead hookers
Tivo Description: The team uncovers a methamphetamine (drink!) lab in a murder victim’s apartment (not likely); an unscrupulous FBI agent has a secret life.
Short shorts and hummers! Hooray Miami!
Great song – Time of the Season – why did they sell out to this crap
Traitor_wolfe: looks like someone was thrown through the coffee table (cuz that happens everyday. He’s so nonchalant about it)
I like how dead girl landed perfectly on all the magazines.
Alexx: carotid artery (drink!) exsanguination (drink!)
Traitor_wolfe: hold on alexx…don’t put your hands on her… i’m thinking of trying something (i’m pretty sure necrophilia is illegal. Especially if you work with the dead)
Alexx: what are you thinking…..(big pause) you’re going to fume this body. For prints. Aren’t you. Right here (what the fuck, does she run a psychic friends hotline on the side. How could she possibly know that)
Traitor_wolfe: blah blah
Alexx: don’t give me the hard sell wolfe, just do what you gotta do before i whisk her away.
Fuming the body for prints, now this i have to see. I can’t believe this even works in real life. Oh wait, it probably doesn’t. but on csi Miami all you need is some painter’s plastic and a hair dryer.
Alexx: not bad for a make shift fuming chamber (is that like a hot box?)
Traitor_wolfe: i’ve popped a tent or two in my day (oh no he didn’t really say that.)
You mean to tell me these two idiots plugged yet another thing into that overloaded circuit. Aren’t they a doctor and a scientist? Further, of course, the overloaded circuit does not blow fuse, but sends the apartment into flames.
Alexx:
Alexx is beating the flames with a COUCH PILLOW. Now i’m no combustibles expert, but i’m thinking even a chicken knows that the pillow will burst into flames as well.
The meth lab is in the closet. I think that these genius writers have never actually seen a meth lab
Traitor_wolfe: this place is full of ammonia
Oh snap the body blew up!
Damn, they made it out alive.
So despite the fact that the apartment went from nothing to a raging inferno in like 3 seconds, and there was a boat load of combustibles in there, the rest of the apartment building is still standing and seemingly unscathed.
H: i need you at full strength (oh, you say that to all the little boys, h)
Fireman: fully operational meth lab. this place was a ticking time bomb. (ok. That apartment was way too clean to have a meth lab in it. That ‘lab’ was way too small to be a fully operational. If it were a real meth lab, they would have smelled the chemicals and other sundries as soon as they walked in. speaking of the chemicals and other sundries, i can’t fathom where that stuff was being stored, you buy in Costco sizes, not farmers market sizes. it’s unlikely that a meth lab would be in an apartment because there would be no where to dump the waste products. There wasn’t a hooker or angst-filled spoiled brat teenager in sight, two sure signs of a methlab)
Calleigh: ryan’s fuming tent didn’t start this fire (of course not)…the wall socket is cooked, i think that’s why the fan shorted. (yes, but that doesn’t answer the question of why those two dummies thought it was a good idea to plug a fan into a socket with like 18 plugs and extension cords. Or why, i dunno, they didn’t unplug a few things. Or wonder why the fuck all that shit was plugged into one wall socket. )
Frank: i’ll call delko, get him on it (cuz if he gets electrocuted, how much more damage can it really cause)
So the landlord is a suspect….why? he rented dead_girl a condo and obeyed the law by not going in without her permission. And why is dead_girl automatically a saint (oh that’s right, she’s a woman, all women are saints)…it is more logical to assume that since the meth lab was in her apartment, that she was the one cooking it, not the landlord.
A wire, of course she’s wearing one!
Alexx: so why was our baby girl bugged
(um, because the angel was working with the cops. Don’t you know all dead people, especially women, are working to leave behind the life of crime and better themselves)
Dead_girl_brother needs to go back to acting school. Oh wait, he never went.
Dead_girl_brother: rachel had a hard life…got in with the wrong crowd, parents sent her to rehab (correction. She did not have a hard life. She CHOSE to do all those things and mommy and daddy bailed her out. Don’t mistake being an idiot spoiled brat who makes moronic choices with having a hard life.)
More fun with natalia’s old fbi friends. This never ends well for anyone. And how was she in the FBI for years, took a total demotion to MDPD, and she’s like 23.
Fbi_dummy: unfortunately the bug wasn’t transmitting
H: why do you think that happened (uh oh, h smells a rat!)
Fbi_dummy: this is still an open investigation
H: so is her murder, mike, so is her murder (um, remind me again why these ‘writers’ felt like they had a right to go on strike)
Bdd: so traitor_wolfe torches this condo and he’s not here helping us sift through this…because? (shut up and do your job bdd or frank is going to send you to investigate why electric outlets are causing fires)
Calleigh: i was wondering if you would take those 4 cans of glass we collected at the crime scene and run them through dna (reality check: dna testing is very expensive and time consuming. Most labs in the country can’t afford to run many tests and are backed up for months. But they’re going to run 4 paint cans full of glass through dna on a whim)
Bdd: we’re going to need that asap.
Traitor_wolfe: the image editor software….one pixel at a time, dozens of color combinations per second…(and this piece of software that doesn’t exist is called “the image editor software”? you think they’d come up with a fancy name like WhoCanAffordThis Suite or HSucksDonkeysShop)
Natalia: i know who that is (of course it’s the shady fbi friend. I wonder if this is some sort of red herring and it’s another fbi guy who’s corrupt. Oh wait, these writers don’t know what red herring means)
Traitor_wolfe: 380 nanometers of ultraviolet light
Natalia: well, at least i know where to start
Traitor_wolfe: mike the f.b.i guy, right? (WRONG)
Natlalia: no, his wife (oh, the jealous spouse angle. Original)
Of course, they have an “understanding”. Those things are usually anything but. And seem to be common in Miami.
Crazy_wife: when he was home, he belonged to me
H: is something wrong miss boa vista (yeah, the way you’re looking at her ass)
And why is she all in white, AGAIN! These people work with dead, rotting, bloody bodies, all sorts of gross shit i don’t even want to think about, and yet she traipses around in white
White clothes on women = angelic
H always in the black suit in the Miami heat = mysterious
H: are you willing to do that now (that’s what he asked the hooker last night. But he paid her to say yes)
Wow, this informant is a hooker. What a surprise. Complete with lots of tattoos and blue hair. If she’s not actually a hooker, she may as well be. Although, i’m pretty sure real life hookers don’t actually dress like that or have all their teeth. And this “outfit” is what this woman chose to wear outside in the middle of the day. Well, i guess if you don’t have a job…
Informant_hooker_idiot: so i’m guessing this is about mikey?
Natalia: yeah, agent Fairlawn
Informant_hooker_idiot: he brought in this cute little number to replace me
Natalia: i’m guessing that bothered you? (really. What was your first clue?)
Informant_hooker_idiot: i thought he and i had something (are you new? To life? What’s wrong with you . oh right, you have no brain)
Informant_hooker_idiot: can i go? (awesome. She told her story. Now she’s bored. Time to go home and watch plants grow)
Fbi_dummy: you talked to jane?….she’s obsessed (what, exactly, did you think was going to happen. The murder investigation was going to stop because your old buddy was on the case. H would never stand for that!)
Fbi_dummy: i’m married BV (oh what a fun nickname!)
Natalia: she’s dead and you’re the only one left!
Fbi_dummy: you know me Natalia! (some of these writers must also write for soap operas)
Off into the sunset she walks!
Oh and now dead_girl was pregnant. Perfect! So if she was pregnant, why is it that a wine glass is what killed her. Must have been sparkling cider.
Alexx: catch this monster, calleigh. Catch this one.
Natalia: look at that, it’s not mike, but it does match another elimination sample.
Calleigh: zach hemming (OH MY GOD HER BROTHER. I’M GOING TO PUKE.)
Calleigh: zach, why was rachel pregnant with your baby, she’s your sister (there is no good answer to that question)
Zach: step sister (LIKE THAT MAKES IT OK)… we were 18 when our parents got married…lived a room apart (ok, these two look like they’re 30, how long was this going on AND how long were they both living with their parents)
Zach: she left me powerless…(boo hoo). I saw the drugs. She needed help. (and she was clearly going to be a model parent. Drinking and doing drugs while pregnant. Maybe the kid can grow up to be an actor on csi Miami)
Fbi_boss_guy: you questioned one of my agents today
H:
Fbi_boss_guy: i’d like to ask you… to back off of agent Fairlawn (oh please. H does not do favors or help out other agencies. He’s a bridge burner, not a bridge builder)
H: he’s hiding something
Fbi_boss_guy: that’s his job lieutenant
Fbi_boss_guy: no chance lieutenant
H: hey glenn, if i find out that he got this girl killed…i’m going to get him! (ok, tough guy)
So why are they looking for the landlord at the condo where they found dead_girl. he doesn’t live there
H: you smell that frank
Frank: meth lab (that makes it sound like it’s some sort of fragrance. I know! The CSI: Miami perfume line. Eau’d Dead Hooker, Strip Club Back Room Body Spray, Methlab Spritz. And yet, earlier, when they were in the very same room as a meth lab, they smelled nothing and set the place on fire)
H: get down on the ground Jeremy
Jeremy: you got the wrong guy
(repeat 3x – the magic h number)
So traitor_wolfe is inspecting his clothes, while still on his body, for god knows what, with a magnifying glass. of course he finds some glass from the broken coffee table. What i don’t understand is the fact that there was no apparent need to change his clothes after a bloody murder, and two, how his white pants remained spotless!
Jeremy: let me clarify something else for you. That bitch deserved what she got…..she never, not once, tested our product. (all the smart drug dealers don’t use. Otherwise all the profits go up your nose)
Let me guess, she wouldn’t take a hit because she was pregnant…
Jeremy: didn’t anyone ever teach her the rules of the game. Blend in. she takes a hit, she lives to see another day…
Traitor_wolfe: (here it comes) you know what was off about her…
H: live with that!
Traitor_wolfe, all judgy, snaps off his gloves
I’m so sure the fbi_boss_guy is just going to hand over all the audio files to dumb ass natlalia
Ah yes, all usb hubs are separate from the computer and light up when you put in the memory stick.
I like how the audio files are round and the date appears next to them, not in the properties like ON A REAL COMPUTER.
H: how does that grab you
Fbi_guy: listen up, both of you….don’t think i’m going to put up with your penny-ante, local pd nonsense, ok, you guys are way out of your league here…(oh that is just begging for an h-smack down)
Oh snap! hooker girl is back!
Nice apple product placement
Natalia: you were so busy with your investigation, you forgot she was a human being
H: THEY were human beings…not bad for a couple of penny-ante locals, huh
H: there is a way you can honor her life….forgive yourself (oh sage h words of wisdom)
And into the “writers” strike we go…
Ratings:
Hooker, alive, not dead – 4 dead hookers
Meth – 5 dead hookers
Conservative unborn children = murder anti-choice rantings – 1 dead hooker
Alexx as miss cleo – 2 dead hookers
Spotless white pants – 3 dead hookers
Fbi_dummy’s constant blank expression – 3 dead hookers
Incest – 3 dead hookers
Overall: 3 dead hookers
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