You May Now Kill the Bride - 3/24/2008 - a second opinion

Tonight’s episode: You may now kill the bride!

A baseball superstar's wedding comes to a tragic end as his bride-to-be is shot as she says, "I do." Trace evidence found under the bride's fingernails leads the team to a gentlemen's club, where the bachelor party festivities happened the night before, and to one particular lap dancer, Kelly Chapman, who is discovered to have long-standing ties to the groom. When a wireless PDA triggered a gun that was found mounted to the underside of the groom's car, the team determines that the bride was not the intended victim, but the stripper was. She had been blackmailing the groom with incriminating pictures of him dressed up in women's lingerie, and his best friend and teammate conspired to do her in to prevent her from going public with the information.

Body count: 1

The Crimes:
Victim(s): The bride, Susan Alston
Suspect(s): Her groom, his weaselly agent, his gun-toting bodyguard, the stripper, and the groom's teammate/best man
Whodunit: Russell Brooks, the groom's teammate/best man
Path of evidence:
From the field:
· Gun holder mounted to the underside of the limo
· Switched veil
· Bullet fragments
From the morgue:
· Bullet fragments
From the lab:
· switched veil
· fingerprint on the Gentlemen's Club receipt

Music:
Candy Kisses: Amanda Perez
Won't Get Fooled Again: The Who
Candy Kisses (Remix): Amanda Perez ft Gabriel Antonio
I Love Them Girls: Tank
Sexual Eruption : Snoop Dogg
Shake Your Pom Pom: Missy Elliott

This episode was making my synapses fire in my brain almost randomly! So with that in mind, let’s get started and outline it in bulleted format!

WTF is going on with that music?
OK, you can kill the special effects now – I am getting seasick.
The Bride is: Thin, I mean really thin. You can even see the VPL on it’s VPL.
The Groom is: He’s gay. I am calling it here and now. Too good of teeth and hair. Maybe they can share bikini bottoms on little private honeymoon beach in Aruba.
My Wife’s comment: “Look how skinny she is. I wish I was that skinny. Do you think she’s too thin? Maybe I could be thinner.” (Good move for Mike – I kept my mouth shut.)
My comment (that got me a “shush” command): “Wow – do you think she can still wear white to a wedding? And look, her butt is only two ‘hands’ wide. Is that how you measure it? Like horses?” “She’s 21 hands high and two hands wide. Maybe she just got out of the Beijing National Circus and Concentration Camp.
Bang! Now … it … gets … interesting!
My comment: “Well she may be thin but the bullet still hit that big old head of hers – cool!”

The bride is down (he called her Susan – but don’t get too attached to her ‘cause I think she’s T.U.) and the Groom are so smarmy! I just want to scream or start chanting; Susan and Greg sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love then comes … oh, just kill me. Wait, maybe that won’t be necessary,.
Well back to the head shot – good one. She went down like a ton of rice in a white wedding dress. I kind of miss the blood. There should be more blood. Maybe that’s how she stayed so thin. Thin blood.
So what does the groom say? “Susan, come back, come back!” What the fuck is he thinking – half her brains are leaking out. I am pretty sure she would end up like rain man if she did come back. “Three minutes to Wapner”.
Nice that the boys pulled him to safety.

Continuity error (my wife caught it) – first the dead bride is flat as an ironing board on the grass and then she has one leg up. Is she trying to get a “leg up” on all the other dead brides? Susan is soooo competitive! And thin – did I mention thin?
Medical Examiner: “Poor girl took a bullet…” Well duh!
Now we are learning more, wait – he’s a friggin’ baseball star! (he still looks gay – not that there’s anything wrong with that.)
BTW – I have never heard of a no-fly-zone over a wedding. I think he just made that up.
H: “The bride is … dead.” A lot of people keep saying that. I wonder what they would do if she suddenly levitated up.
My wife’s comment: Look at those urns – tacky! And who did the flowers in the urns? They look terrible! (I think she was starting to drift off of the main plot that was a dead bride and a baseball player.
Here comes H doing the little H walk.
H to Alex: “As soon as you can!” (He should have repeated that to make it cooler!)
What is with this camera work – everyone is up close and missing the tops of their heads. Annoying. Maybe the hair people are on strike. We can’t win!
Strip club – gentlemen’s club. Hmmm. Not too convinced about his explanation.
Scene (seen) at the strip club gentlemen’s club: Is this slow-mo lesbo action? Sweet! I love this show!
The “strippers wear more than the highschool girls that walk through my neighborhood to school each day – not that there’s anything wrong with that.
It’s raining one hundred dollar bills? I am pretty sure that is not true. Then again, I have never been to a gentlemen’s club.
A GPS chip? WTG – more magic technology? And she has the software to track it. No amendments were broken there I’ll bet!

Gun-mount on a Rolls? WTF?!?


H: “It’s a little thing we like to call … Murder One!”

“Look at all those priors…”
Caliegh with a veil – cute
The hooker – dancer – whatever – came to the wedding? Probably sat next to the Bride’s (now dead) mom…
“Greg’s my best customer”
Pretty cool hooker – get the cooler she is going to need it soon.
Trans – dresser or whatever
Photos in fishnets – every boy’s dream
OK – here’s the deal, when I was just a boy of 10 my daddy sat me and my brother down at the table and said: Boys, there are three rules you must always follow:
1. If you are going to dress in women’s underwear be a woman
Or 2. it is OK if you are English
Or finally 3. if you insist – don’t do it with a hooker who owns a camera!
It was the Agent’s phone – right! I sense deception here…
“That’s my phone!” “It’s a murder weapon my friend!”

OK – so here’s is what I learned:
· Baseball players have body guards – and fishnet panties
· Brides are easy targets
· There is a place on a Rolls Royce to attach a gun mount
· Girlfriend looks good in red too
· Finally – I don’t need to see the inside of a Gentlemen’s Club if the girls keep their clothes on – just sayin’

For that reason …

… I give this episode a coveted 5 (out of 5) Dead Hooker rating!

Excellent!

“I won’t …. Get fooled … Again!”