You May Now Kill the Bride - 3/24/2008

You May Now Kill the Bride
Tivo Description: Murder at a wedding leads the team to a strip club. (they love the strip clubs on this shows. And, aside from Miami-land, on what planet are strip clubs and weddings tied together? They didn’t say “a murder at a bachelor party was at a strip club.” Now that would make sense)

Oh split screens, how i’ve missed you!
Oh lack of working brain cells, how i’ve missed you!

I always find weddings so entertaining. Like somehow the fancy suits make the groomsmen respectable. In college they were just drunk frat boys who preyed on women and did keg stands for fun, and at the bachelor party the night before, it is obvious none of them have changed.
And the women are no better. They’re all talking trash on the wedding guests, the bride, and each other, the entire time.

Oh, the bride hesitated on “I do”…

The fake death fall, the Braveheart style scream, the guests running away. All, in a day’s work in Miami.

Tell me they have wedding security guards, running the groom off like he’s the president during an assassination attempt. And i like how everyone took off and left all the bridesmaids standing there like morons.

And the limo peels out like it’s H driving the hummer to find the vaporizer.

Oh H condescending tone, how I’ve missed you!

A no fly zone!

H: My name is Lieutenant Horatio Caine (in case we’ve forgotten over the past few months)…<angry-a-woman-was-harmed-voice> mr. tanner is conspicuously absent. Where is he?

<glasses on!>

It’s been 5 minutes. There have been about 7 lines of dialogue, and a million gratuitous flash back scenes. How dare they go on strike. How fucking dare they.

H: shell casing (drink!)

Alexx: substance under the finger nails…i’m thinking she may have gotten into a fight before the wedding (KLASSY with a K! what did i say about the fancy clothes not really changing anything)

H: A fight. On her wedding day (A+ for your retention skills, h. you may now graduate to first grade.)

Another helicopter or two and ½ the MDPD force out for a “missing” baseball player. Guaranteed he’ll show up for his job that’s, oh, broadcast on national television.

frank: that’s a felony mistake (limo_driver should have taken the chance to run him down!)
frank: here comes the groom

dumbass_groom: i can tell you who did it, it was me. (oh this is going to be some lame ass sob story about how he ruined her life or some bs and he’s now responsible for her death)

dumbass_groom: gotta be some obsessed fan…didn’t want me breaking up the team…a wife didn’t fit in that picture (that makes zero sense. I’m sure the fans could give a crap if you’re married. Does it make a difference in how you play the game? Doubtful at best. So who freakin cares?)
h: so you believe you’re responsible for your wife’s death (called it! drink!)

dumbass_groom: you ever see someone you love die, lieutenant?
(OH HERE WE GO!!!)
<cue sappy music>
H: as a matter of fact, i have mr. tanner
dumbass_groom: right in front of your eyes
h: yeah
dumbass_groom: when will i get this image out of my mind
h: you won’t
(oh spare me. They’re really pulling out all the stops tonight)

Alexx: cat fight
B_d_d: it’s glitter wax. They use it at all the high end clubs on the dancer’s poles
Alexx: and just how would you know? (exactly what i was thinking, alexx)
B_d_d: greg tanner’s bachelor party was at a “gentleman’s” club last night
Alexx: so the bride went to the bachelor party at a strip club (called it! drink!)
B_d_d: gentleman’s club
Alexx: what’s the difference?
B_d_d: i can afford to get into a strip club (wow, i’d hate to see the talent at the clubs b_d_d can afford. It’s like gambling off-strip in vegas at 4 am, which i’ve done. It ain’t pretty, but it sure is cheap)

Gratuitous strippers. CSI: Miami is back!

So we have the hookers. All we need is the blow. And 10 large to be involved.

Strip_club_tour_guide: i don’t even know how that guy made it to the wedding, and the bride, she drank everybody under the table. (ok. First of all, this dummy is talking WAY too much. The whole point of paying 10 large an hour is that you’re paying for discretion. No employee in one of these places would talk to the cops, let alone some rent-a-cop csi’s, without a ride down to the station and a little time in the lockup. Secondly, “gentlemen’s” club or not, she is a little too refined to be a hooker. I mean stripper. I mean dancer. That dummy making 4 large an hour for banging the governor of NY only has about 3 brain cells, so strip_club_tour_guide’s ability to string together sentences just seems a little off.)

So strip_club_tour_guide goes off to get the “entertainer” from the party. Riddle me this. Why is she still at work after working a 14+hour shift.

What’s up with all the creepy looks between b_d_d and the hookers

B_d_d: you hosted greg tanner’s bachelor party last night?
Hooker: didn’t host it exactly, but if that works for you..

B_d_d: i might have to swab you for a comparison (right)
Hooker: keep your swab in your pocket officer
Hooker: you don’t get it, do you, she wanted me to dance for her (of course. Gee, i wonder if most of these fine “writers” are male?)

Oh my god, how is any of this necessary.

Hooker: not until it started raining…ball players want to be like rappers…showering dancers with hundreds. (fools and their money…..)

Calleigh: we’ll be in touch
Hooker: touching is extra
(seriously. WTF.)

Alexx: horatio, that young bride
H: never had to die <off to the crime scene>

Metal detectors…very low tech for Miami

Calleigh: bullet frag (drink!)

A 1.8 million dollar veil?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

A gps chip in the veil. Unlikely

H: for a little thing that we like to call murder one

Back to the hookers.

B_d_d: i’m slammed, but you sounded frantic on the phone (h’s little protégé – saver of hookers)

Strip_club_tour_guide: this guy use a fake credit card, completely skipped out on his bill, for 20 large. (ok, i don’t think i really want to know, but i’m sort of curious as to what, exactly, you’re getting for 20 large in a “gentleman’s” club. As an aside, i guess b_d_d gets a piece of the action for free, since he can only afford low end strip joints, and this is now his second trip there, this time without old stick in the mud calleigh)
I’m the one who’s kind of on the hook, the owner here, he’s going to make me pay back every single dime. And i don’t have any where near that kind of money (this makes no sense for several reasons. 1. if you use a bum credit card, the charge won’t go through and you go back to the person and request a new card or the 20 large in cash. 2. no business owner makes their employee pay for something like that, how can this twit possibly be the credit card police)
B_d_d: what do you want me to do about it? (um, pay it. come on b_d_d, h would just pay the whole thing. How can you expect to be mini-h if you don’t bail out the distressed hooker)
Strip_club_tour_guide: it’s club policy, no customer can leave without putting their thumb print on their credit card receipt. (unlikely – it’s a “gentleman’s” club, the whole point is discretion, as discussed above. Also, she is under the misguided notion that a thumb print will automatically help you find someone. That only works if they’re in the friggin database. Which, i doubt this person is. People who can afford this shit can also pay to get records expunged.)
B_d_d: blah, blah, i ain’t doin’ it, i’ll give you a number

OH SNAP! she did not just use her stripperly wiles on him. Well, he was bitching about his inability to drool over the high-end tail.

B_d_d: you don’t have to do this this way (OH MY GOD. How unrealistic is that. Every single cop out there uses their badge for exactly this purpose.)

Strip_club_tour_guide: sorry. I’m just scared. (uh huh)
B_d_d: no promises, ok? (so you’re doing exactly what she wants, when you said you wouldn’t, and you didn’t even take the free “lap dance”. Way to stand up for yourself. I think you need to go back in for some more brain function testing. And a chromosome check. Are you sure you’re a dude? No dude i know would walk away)

So on the receipt, there is a total and then what is presumably tax. Looks like the hooker tax in florida is about 17%

Traitor_wolfe: so, what’cha doing (um, his damn job. What the hell do you think?)
B_d_d: blah blah, vague half truths
Traitor_wolfe: so that’s how it is now, we’re not going to be sharing information with each other anymore
B_d_d: relax traitor_wolfe (wow, this episode is more forced and stiff than normal. Maybe it’s a new semester at the city college and they have a fresh batch of bottom-of-the-barrel writers)

So, based on the best man’s clothing, it looks like only a few hours have passed since the murder since he’s still wearing his tux. I like the time warp factor in Miami

HAHAHAHHA the club is called “The Pole”

Best_man: i can’t go to jail, i got training camp in a week (oh, i’m sorry, does the law interrupt your personal schedule. Oh wait, this is american justice, you can probably get off based on that argument. See also: oj)

B_d_d: you gotta pay that girl back every cent (um, i think you mean you need to pay the strip club)

Calleigh: did you fire your weapon today
Frank: no, why
Calleigh: you’re glowing
Frank: i have no idea how that got there (HAHAHAHHAHAHA. Sounds like something you’d be more likely to say if it were mystery dna or lipstick on your collar or something. And if you were a suspect, there is no way anyone would believe you)

Enter h – with the shades on INSIDE
Nice touch with calleigh’s reflection in the car’s grill

Calleigh: gun mount (drink!) on this undercarriage...electronic trigger with wireless receiver (seriously? That’s determination)
H: so it was remotely fired (again with the retention skills, h. A+)

Limo_driver: how do you know that bullet wasn’t meant for me (oh, nice distraction trick. It should work on h)

Recreate the moment. This has got to be some sort of B_d_d fantasy. Why, exactly, did calleigh need to put on the veil. She’s wearing the fake veil, the one with the blood and crap on it. gross. And, how fitting, calleigh is dressed all in white and b_d_d is wearing a suit jacket.

I like how the super-computer goes from a picture of the wedding audience to an individual breakdown of all of their profiles in like 3 seconds

Why the fuck was the stripper/hooker a guest at the wedding. This is the most ridiculous episode ever!

Oh the hooker was the intended victim. Perfect! H can save a hooker, his specialty
H: We need to find her!

Hooker: i don’t understand (what else is new) (also, she hasn’t changed her outfit since she left the strip club. I imagine when she’s at home, she might wear something a bit more comfortable)
Hooker: Greg was my best customer
Calleigh: So you’ve danced for greg more than once (um, i think that “best customer” means she’s danced for him plenty of times. You do not excel at information retention like h)
Hooker: extra curricular sessions (drink!)
Calleigh: so he was at your home (think cheap motel calleigh, she’s a hooker)

Ew. Hooker needs to eat something. And they say the camera adds 10 pounds.

Calleigh: you look real pretty in this one…you know, i think this one is really my favorite (OH HAHAHAHAHHAHA. That is awesome. Absolutely classic. Although, i imagine he could pay the hooker for those pics. And she had them very conveniently located and in an envelope. I also like how they bring the friend and body guard in just so they can see those pics)

H: it’s a murder weapon, my friend (drink!)

Only in gangster-speak does “deal with it” mean to off someone. For the rest of us, it means, shut the person the fuck up.

Ahhhh… the angelic woman shot during the autopsy scene! Whew! Thought we’d be without that preachiness for an episode.

Ratings:
“gentleman’s club” – 4 dead hookers
Hookers, no blow – 3 dead hookers
B_d_d turning down the “lap dance” – 4 dead hookers
Hooker at the wedding – 5 dead hookers
Gratuitous strip club scenes – 2 dead hookers
20 large – 4 dead hookers
Hooker tax – 5 dead hookers
18 different male fantasies being fulfilled in one fun filled hour – 1 dead hooker
GPS chip in the veil – 4 dead hookers
Miami time warp – 3 dead hookers
Cross dressing photos – 3 dead hookers

Overall – 4 dead hookers.
It’s good to be back!