Tivo Description: The team uncovers a methamphetamine (drink!) lab in a murder victim’s apartment (not likely); an unscrupulous FBI agent has a secret life.
Short shorts and hummers! Hooray Miami!
Great song – Time of the Season – why did they sell out to this crap
Traitor_wolfe: looks like someone was thrown through the coffee table (cuz that happens everyday. He’s so nonchalant about it)
I like how dead girl landed perfectly on all the magazines.
Alexx: carotid artery (drink!) exsanguination (drink!)
Traitor_wolfe: hold on alexx…don’t put your hands on her… i’m thinking of trying something (i’m pretty sure necrophilia is illegal. Especially if you work with the dead)
Alexx: what are you thinking…..(big pause) you’re going to fume this body. For prints. Aren’t you. Right here (what the fuck, does she run a psychic friends hotline on the side. How could she possibly know that)
Traitor_wolfe: blah blah
Alexx: don’t give me the hard sell wolfe, just do what you gotta do before i whisk her away.
Fuming the body for prints, now this i have to see. I can’t believe this even works in real life. Oh wait, it probably doesn’t. but on csi Miami all you need is some painter’s plastic and a hair dryer.
Alexx: not bad for a make shift fuming chamber (is that like a hot box?)
Traitor_wolfe: i’ve popped a tent or two in my day (oh no he didn’t really say that.)
You mean to tell me these two idiots plugged yet another thing into that overloaded circuit. Aren’t they a doctor and a scientist? Further, of course, the overloaded circuit does not blow fuse, but sends the apartment into flames.
Alexx:
Alexx is beating the flames with a COUCH PILLOW. Now i’m no combustibles expert, but i’m thinking even a chicken knows that the pillow will burst into flames as well.
The meth lab is in the closet. I think that these genius writers have never actually seen a meth lab
Traitor_wolfe: this place is full of ammonia
Oh snap the body blew up!
Damn, they made it out alive.
So despite the fact that the apartment went from nothing to a raging inferno in like 3 seconds, and there was a boat load of combustibles in there, the rest of the apartment building is still standing and seemingly unscathed.
H: i need you at full strength (oh, you say that to all the little boys, h)
Fireman: fully operational meth lab. this place was a ticking time bomb. (ok. That apartment was way too clean to have a meth lab in it. That ‘lab’ was way too small to be a fully operational. If it were a real meth lab, they would have smelled the chemicals and other sundries as soon as they walked in. speaking of the chemicals and other sundries, i can’t fathom where that stuff was being stored, you buy in Costco sizes, not farmers market sizes. it’s unlikely that a meth lab would be in an apartment because there would be no where to dump the waste products. There wasn’t a hooker or angst-filled spoiled brat teenager in sight, two sure signs of a methlab)
Calleigh: ryan’s fuming tent didn’t start this fire (of course not)…the wall socket is cooked, i think that’s why the fan shorted. (yes, but that doesn’t answer the question of why those two dummies thought it was a good idea to plug a fan into a socket with like 18 plugs and extension cords. Or why, i dunno, they didn’t unplug a few things. Or wonder why the fuck all that shit was plugged into one wall socket. )
Frank: i’ll call delko, get him on it (cuz if he gets electrocuted, how much more damage can it really cause)
So the landlord is a suspect….why? he rented dead_girl a condo and obeyed the law by not going in without her permission. And why is dead_girl automatically a saint (oh that’s right, she’s a woman, all women are saints)…it is more logical to assume that since the meth lab was in her apartment, that she was the one cooking it, not the landlord.
A wire, of course she’s wearing one!
Alexx: so why was our baby girl bugged
(um, because the angel was working with the cops. Don’t you know all dead people, especially women, are working to leave behind the life of crime and better themselves)
Dead_girl_brother needs to go back to acting school. Oh wait, he never went.
Dead_girl_brother: rachel had a hard life…got in with the wrong crowd, parents sent her to rehab (correction. She did not have a hard life. She CHOSE to do all those things and mommy and daddy bailed her out. Don’t mistake being an idiot spoiled brat who makes moronic choices with having a hard life.)
More fun with natalia’s old fbi friends. This never ends well for anyone. And how was she in the FBI for years, took a total demotion to MDPD, and she’s like 23.
Fbi_dummy: unfortunately the bug wasn’t transmitting
H: why do you think that happened (uh oh, h smells a rat!)
Fbi_dummy: this is still an open investigation
H: so is her murder, mike, so is her murder (um, remind me again why these ‘writers’ felt like they had a right to go on strike)
Bdd: so traitor_wolfe torches this condo and he’s not here helping us sift through this…because? (shut up and do your job bdd or frank is going to send you to investigate why electric outlets are causing fires)
Calleigh: i was wondering if you would take those 4 cans of glass we collected at the crime scene and run them through dna (reality check: dna testing is very expensive and time consuming. Most labs in the country can’t afford to run many tests and are backed up for months. But they’re going to run 4 paint cans full of glass through dna on a whim)
Bdd: we’re going to need that asap.
Traitor_wolfe: the image editor software….one pixel at a time, dozens of color combinations per second…(and this piece of software that doesn’t exist is called “the image editor software”? you think they’d come up with a fancy name like WhoCanAffordThis Suite or HSucksDonkeysShop)
Natalia: i know who that is (of course it’s the shady fbi friend. I wonder if this is some sort of red herring and it’s another fbi guy who’s corrupt. Oh wait, these writers don’t know what red herring means)
Traitor_wolfe: 380 nanometers of ultraviolet light
Natalia: well, at least i know where to start
Traitor_wolfe: mike the f.b.i guy, right? (WRONG)
Natlalia: no, his wife (oh, the jealous spouse angle. Original)
Of course, they have an “understanding”. Those things are usually anything but. And seem to be common in Miami.
Crazy_wife: when he was home, he belonged to me
H: is something wrong miss boa vista (yeah, the way you’re looking at her ass)
And why is she all in white, AGAIN! These people work with dead, rotting, bloody bodies, all sorts of gross shit i don’t even want to think about, and yet she traipses around in white
White clothes on women = angelic
H always in the black suit in the Miami heat = mysterious
H: are you willing to do that now (that’s what he asked the hooker last night. But he paid her to say yes)
Wow, this informant is a hooker. What a surprise. Complete with lots of tattoos and blue hair. If she’s not actually a hooker, she may as well be. Although, i’m pretty sure real life hookers don’t actually dress like that or have all their teeth. And this “outfit” is what this woman chose to wear outside in the middle of the day. Well, i guess if you don’t have a job…
Informant_hooker_idiot: so i’m guessing this is about mikey?
Natalia: yeah, agent Fairlawn
Informant_hooker_idiot: he brought in this cute little number to replace me
Natalia: i’m guessing that bothered you? (really. What was your first clue?)
Informant_hooker_idiot: i thought he and i had something (are you new? To life? What’s wrong with you . oh right, you have no brain)
Informant_hooker_idiot: can i go? (awesome. She told her story. Now she’s bored. Time to go home and watch plants grow)
Fbi_dummy: you talked to jane?….she’s obsessed (what, exactly, did you think was going to happen. The murder investigation was going to stop because your old buddy was on the case. H would never stand for that!)
Fbi_dummy: i’m married BV (oh what a fun nickname!)
Natalia: she’s dead and you’re the only one left!
Fbi_dummy: you know me Natalia! (some of these writers must also write for soap operas)
Off into the sunset she walks!
Oh and now dead_girl was pregnant. Perfect! So if she was pregnant, why is it that a wine glass is what killed her. Must have been sparkling cider.
Alexx: catch this monster, calleigh. Catch this one.
Natalia: look at that, it’s not mike, but it does match another elimination sample.
Calleigh: zach hemming (OH MY GOD HER BROTHER. I’M GOING TO PUKE.)
Calleigh: zach, why was rachel pregnant with your baby, she’s your sister (there is no good answer to that question)
Zach: step sister (LIKE THAT MAKES IT OK)… we were 18 when our parents got married…lived a room apart (ok, these two look like they’re 30, how long was this going on AND how long were they both living with their parents)
Zach: she left me powerless…(boo hoo). I saw the drugs. She needed help. (and she was clearly going to be a model parent. Drinking and doing drugs while pregnant. Maybe the kid can grow up to be an actor on csi Miami)
Fbi_boss_guy: you questioned one of my agents today
H:
Fbi_boss_guy: i’d like to ask you… to back off of agent Fairlawn (oh please. H does not do favors or help out other agencies. He’s a bridge burner, not a bridge builder)
H: he’s hiding something
Fbi_boss_guy: that’s his job lieutenant
Fbi_boss_guy: no chance lieutenant
H: hey glenn, if i find out that he got this girl killed…i’m going to get him! (ok, tough guy)
So why are they looking for the landlord at the condo where they found dead_girl. he doesn’t live there
H: you smell that frank
Frank: meth lab (that makes it sound like it’s some sort of fragrance. I know! The CSI: Miami perfume line. Eau’d Dead Hooker, Strip Club Back Room Body Spray, Methlab Spritz. And yet, earlier, when they were in the very same room as a meth lab, they smelled nothing and set the place on fire)
H: get down on the ground Jeremy
Jeremy: you got the wrong guy
(repeat 3x – the magic h number)
So traitor_wolfe is inspecting his clothes, while still on his body, for god knows what, with a magnifying glass. of course he finds some glass from the broken coffee table. What i don’t understand is the fact that there was no apparent need to change his clothes after a bloody murder, and two, how his white pants remained spotless!
Jeremy: let me clarify something else for you. That bitch deserved what she got…..she never, not once, tested our product. (all the smart drug dealers don’t use. Otherwise all the profits go up your nose)
Let me guess, she wouldn’t take a hit because she was pregnant…
Jeremy: didn’t anyone ever teach her the rules of the game. Blend in. she takes a hit, she lives to see another day…
Traitor_wolfe: (here it comes) you know what was off about her…
H: live with that!
Traitor_wolfe, all judgy, snaps off his gloves
I’m so sure the fbi_boss_guy is just going to hand over all the audio files to dumb ass natlalia
Ah yes, all usb hubs are separate from the computer and light up when you put in the memory stick.
I like how the audio files are round and the date appears next to them, not in the properties like ON A REAL COMPUTER.
H: how does that grab you
Fbi_guy: listen up, both of you….don’t think i’m going to put up with your penny-ante, local pd nonsense, ok, you guys are way out of your league here…(oh that is just begging for an h-smack down)
Oh snap! hooker girl is back!
Nice apple product placement
Natalia: you were so busy with your investigation, you forgot she was a human being
H: THEY were human beings…not bad for a couple of penny-ante locals, huh
H: there is a way you can honor her life….forgive yourself (oh sage h words of wisdom)
And into the “writers” strike we go…
Ratings:
Hooker, alive, not dead – 4 dead hookers
Meth – 5 dead hookers
Conservative unborn children = murder anti-choice rantings – 1 dead hooker
Alexx as miss cleo – 2 dead hookers
Spotless white pants – 3 dead hookers
Fbi_dummy’s constant blank expression – 3 dead hookers
Incest – 3 dead hookers
Overall: 3 dead hookers
No comments:
Post a Comment