Tonight’s episode: You may now kill the bride!
A baseball superstar's wedding comes to a tragic end as his bride-to-be is shot as she says, "I do." Trace evidence found under the bride's fingernails leads the team to a gentlemen's club, where the bachelor party festivities happened the night before, and to one particular lap dancer, Kelly Chapman, who is discovered to have long-standing ties to the groom. When a wireless PDA triggered a gun that was found mounted to the underside of the groom's car, the team determines that the bride was not the intended victim, but the stripper was. She had been blackmailing the groom with incriminating pictures of him dressed up in women's lingerie, and his best friend and teammate conspired to do her in to prevent her from going public with the information.
Body count: 1
The Crimes:
Victim(s): The bride, Susan Alston
Suspect(s): Her groom, his weaselly agent, his gun-toting bodyguard, the stripper, and the groom's teammate/best man
Whodunit: Russell Brooks, the groom's teammate/best man
Path of evidence:
From the field:
· Gun holder mounted to the underside of the limo
· Switched veil
· Bullet fragments
From the morgue:
· Bullet fragments
From the lab:
· switched veil
· fingerprint on the Gentlemen's Club receipt
Music:
Candy Kisses: Amanda Perez
Won't Get Fooled Again: The Who
Candy Kisses (Remix): Amanda Perez ft Gabriel Antonio
I Love Them Girls: Tank
Sexual Eruption : Snoop Dogg
Shake Your Pom Pom: Missy Elliott
This episode was making my synapses fire in my brain almost randomly! So with that in mind, let’s get started and outline it in bulleted format!
WTF is going on with that music?
OK, you can kill the special effects now – I am getting seasick.
The Bride is: Thin, I mean really thin. You can even see the VPL on it’s VPL.
The Groom is: He’s gay. I am calling it here and now. Too good of teeth and hair. Maybe they can share bikini bottoms on little private honeymoon beach in Aruba.
My Wife’s comment: “Look how skinny she is. I wish I was that skinny. Do you think she’s too thin? Maybe I could be thinner.” (Good move for Mike – I kept my mouth shut.)
My comment (that got me a “shush” command): “Wow – do you think she can still wear white to a wedding? And look, her butt is only two ‘hands’ wide. Is that how you measure it? Like horses?” “She’s 21 hands high and two hands wide. Maybe she just got out of the Beijing National Circus and Concentration Camp.
Bang! Now … it … gets … interesting!
My comment: “Well she may be thin but the bullet still hit that big old head of hers – cool!”
The bride is down (he called her Susan – but don’t get too attached to her ‘cause I think she’s T.U.) and the Groom are so smarmy! I just want to scream or start chanting; Susan and Greg sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love then comes … oh, just kill me. Wait, maybe that won’t be necessary,.
Well back to the head shot – good one. She went down like a ton of rice in a white wedding dress. I kind of miss the blood. There should be more blood. Maybe that’s how she stayed so thin. Thin blood.
So what does the groom say? “Susan, come back, come back!” What the fuck is he thinking – half her brains are leaking out. I am pretty sure she would end up like rain man if she did come back. “Three minutes to Wapner”.
Nice that the boys pulled him to safety.
Continuity error (my wife caught it) – first the dead bride is flat as an ironing board on the grass and then she has one leg up. Is she trying to get a “leg up” on all the other dead brides? Susan is soooo competitive! And thin – did I mention thin?
Medical Examiner: “Poor girl took a bullet…” Well duh!
Now we are learning more, wait – he’s a friggin’ baseball star! (he still looks gay – not that there’s anything wrong with that.)
BTW – I have never heard of a no-fly-zone over a wedding. I think he just made that up.
H: “The bride is … dead.” A lot of people keep saying that. I wonder what they would do if she suddenly levitated up.
My wife’s comment: Look at those urns – tacky! And who did the flowers in the urns? They look terrible! (I think she was starting to drift off of the main plot that was a dead bride and a baseball player.
Here comes H doing the little H walk.
H to Alex: “As soon as you can!” (He should have repeated that to make it cooler!)
What is with this camera work – everyone is up close and missing the tops of their heads. Annoying. Maybe the hair people are on strike. We can’t win!
Strip club – gentlemen’s club. Hmmm. Not too convinced about his explanation.
Scene (seen) at the strip club gentlemen’s club: Is this slow-mo lesbo action? Sweet! I love this show!
The “strippers wear more than the highschool girls that walk through my neighborhood to school each day – not that there’s anything wrong with that.
It’s raining one hundred dollar bills? I am pretty sure that is not true. Then again, I have never been to a gentlemen’s club.
A GPS chip? WTG – more magic technology? And she has the software to track it. No amendments were broken there I’ll bet!
Gun-mount on a Rolls? WTF?!?
H: “It’s a little thing we like to call … Murder One!”
“Look at all those priors…”
Caliegh with a veil – cute
The hooker – dancer – whatever – came to the wedding? Probably sat next to the Bride’s (now dead) mom…
“Greg’s my best customer”
Pretty cool hooker – get the cooler she is going to need it soon.
Trans – dresser or whatever
Photos in fishnets – every boy’s dream
OK – here’s the deal, when I was just a boy of 10 my daddy sat me and my brother down at the table and said: Boys, there are three rules you must always follow:
1. If you are going to dress in women’s underwear be a woman
Or 2. it is OK if you are English
Or finally 3. if you insist – don’t do it with a hooker who owns a camera!
It was the Agent’s phone – right! I sense deception here…
“That’s my phone!” “It’s a murder weapon my friend!”
OK – so here’s is what I learned:
· Baseball players have body guards – and fishnet panties
· Brides are easy targets
· There is a place on a Rolls Royce to attach a gun mount
· Girlfriend looks good in red too
· Finally – I don’t need to see the inside of a Gentlemen’s Club if the girls keep their clothes on – just sayin’
For that reason …
… I give this episode a coveted 5 (out of 5) Dead Hooker rating!
Excellent!
“I won’t …. Get fooled … Again!”
Sunday, March 30, 2008
You May Now Kill the Bride - 3/24/2008
You May Now Kill the Bride
Tivo Description: Murder at a wedding leads the team to a strip club. (they love the strip clubs on this shows. And, aside from Miami-land, on what planet are strip clubs and weddings tied together? They didn’t say “a murder at a bachelor party was at a strip club.” Now that would make sense)
Oh split screens, how i’ve missed you!
Oh lack of working brain cells, how i’ve missed you!
I always find weddings so entertaining. Like somehow the fancy suits make the groomsmen respectable. In college they were just drunk frat boys who preyed on women and did keg stands for fun, and at the bachelor party the night before, it is obvious none of them have changed.
And the women are no better. They’re all talking trash on the wedding guests, the bride, and each other, the entire time.
Oh, the bride hesitated on “I do”…
The fake death fall, the Braveheart style scream, the guests running away. All, in a day’s work in Miami.
Tell me they have wedding security guards, running the groom off like he’s the president during an assassination attempt. And i like how everyone took off and left all the bridesmaids standing there like morons.
And the limo peels out like it’s H driving the hummer to find the vaporizer.
Oh H condescending tone, how I’ve missed you!
A no fly zone!
H: My name is Lieutenant Horatio Caine (in case we’ve forgotten over the past few months)…<angry-a-woman-was-harmed-voice> mr. tanner is conspicuously absent. Where is he?
<glasses on!>
It’s been 5 minutes. There have been about 7 lines of dialogue, and a million gratuitous flash back scenes. How dare they go on strike. How fucking dare they.
H: shell casing (drink!)
Alexx: substance under the finger nails…i’m thinking she may have gotten into a fight before the wedding (KLASSY with a K! what did i say about the fancy clothes not really changing anything)
H: A fight. On her wedding day (A+ for your retention skills, h. you may now graduate to first grade.)
Another helicopter or two and ½ the MDPD force out for a “missing” baseball player. Guaranteed he’ll show up for his job that’s, oh, broadcast on national television.
frank: that’s a felony mistake (limo_driver should have taken the chance to run him down!)
frank: here comes the groom
dumbass_groom: i can tell you who did it, it was me. (oh this is going to be some lame ass sob story about how he ruined her life or some bs and he’s now responsible for her death)
dumbass_groom: gotta be some obsessed fan…didn’t want me breaking up the team…a wife didn’t fit in that picture (that makes zero sense. I’m sure the fans could give a crap if you’re married. Does it make a difference in how you play the game? Doubtful at best. So who freakin cares?)
h: so you believe you’re responsible for your wife’s death (called it! drink!)
dumbass_groom: you ever see someone you love die, lieutenant?
(OH HERE WE GO!!!)
<cue sappy music>
H: as a matter of fact, i have mr. tanner
dumbass_groom: right in front of your eyes
h: yeah
dumbass_groom: when will i get this image out of my mind
h: you won’t
(oh spare me. They’re really pulling out all the stops tonight)
Alexx: cat fight
B_d_d: it’s glitter wax. They use it at all the high end clubs on the dancer’s poles
Alexx: and just how would you know? (exactly what i was thinking, alexx)
B_d_d: greg tanner’s bachelor party was at a “gentleman’s” club last night
Alexx: so the bride went to the bachelor party at a strip club (called it! drink!)
B_d_d: gentleman’s club
Alexx: what’s the difference?
B_d_d: i can afford to get into a strip club (wow, i’d hate to see the talent at the clubs b_d_d can afford. It’s like gambling off-strip in vegas at 4 am, which i’ve done. It ain’t pretty, but it sure is cheap)
Gratuitous strippers. CSI: Miami is back!
So we have the hookers. All we need is the blow. And 10 large to be involved.
Strip_club_tour_guide: i don’t even know how that guy made it to the wedding, and the bride, she drank everybody under the table. (ok. First of all, this dummy is talking WAY too much. The whole point of paying 10 large an hour is that you’re paying for discretion. No employee in one of these places would talk to the cops, let alone some rent-a-cop csi’s, without a ride down to the station and a little time in the lockup. Secondly, “gentlemen’s” club or not, she is a little too refined to be a hooker. I mean stripper. I mean dancer. That dummy making 4 large an hour for banging the governor of NY only has about 3 brain cells, so strip_club_tour_guide’s ability to string together sentences just seems a little off.)
So strip_club_tour_guide goes off to get the “entertainer” from the party. Riddle me this. Why is she still at work after working a 14+hour shift.
What’s up with all the creepy looks between b_d_d and the hookers
B_d_d: you hosted greg tanner’s bachelor party last night?
Hooker: didn’t host it exactly, but if that works for you..
B_d_d: i might have to swab you for a comparison (right)
Hooker: keep your swab in your pocket officer
Hooker: you don’t get it, do you, she wanted me to dance for her (of course. Gee, i wonder if most of these fine “writers” are male?)
Oh my god, how is any of this necessary.
Hooker: not until it started raining…ball players want to be like rappers…showering dancers with hundreds. (fools and their money…..)
Calleigh: we’ll be in touch
Hooker: touching is extra
(seriously. WTF.)
Alexx: horatio, that young bride
H: never had to die <off to the crime scene>
Metal detectors…very low tech for Miami
Calleigh: bullet frag (drink!)
A 1.8 million dollar veil?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
A gps chip in the veil. Unlikely
H: for a little thing that we like to call murder one
Back to the hookers.
B_d_d: i’m slammed, but you sounded frantic on the phone (h’s little protégé – saver of hookers)
Strip_club_tour_guide: this guy use a fake credit card, completely skipped out on his bill, for 20 large. (ok, i don’t think i really want to know, but i’m sort of curious as to what, exactly, you’re getting for 20 large in a “gentleman’s” club. As an aside, i guess b_d_d gets a piece of the action for free, since he can only afford low end strip joints, and this is now his second trip there, this time without old stick in the mud calleigh)
I’m the one who’s kind of on the hook, the owner here, he’s going to make me pay back every single dime. And i don’t have any where near that kind of money (this makes no sense for several reasons. 1. if you use a bum credit card, the charge won’t go through and you go back to the person and request a new card or the 20 large in cash. 2. no business owner makes their employee pay for something like that, how can this twit possibly be the credit card police)
B_d_d: what do you want me to do about it? (um, pay it. come on b_d_d, h would just pay the whole thing. How can you expect to be mini-h if you don’t bail out the distressed hooker)
Strip_club_tour_guide: it’s club policy, no customer can leave without putting their thumb print on their credit card receipt. (unlikely – it’s a “gentleman’s” club, the whole point is discretion, as discussed above. Also, she is under the misguided notion that a thumb print will automatically help you find someone. That only works if they’re in the friggin database. Which, i doubt this person is. People who can afford this shit can also pay to get records expunged.)
B_d_d: blah, blah, i ain’t doin’ it, i’ll give you a number
OH SNAP! she did not just use her stripperly wiles on him. Well, he was bitching about his inability to drool over the high-end tail.
B_d_d: you don’t have to do this this way (OH MY GOD. How unrealistic is that. Every single cop out there uses their badge for exactly this purpose.)
Strip_club_tour_guide: sorry. I’m just scared. (uh huh)
B_d_d: no promises, ok? (so you’re doing exactly what she wants, when you said you wouldn’t, and you didn’t even take the free “lap dance”. Way to stand up for yourself. I think you need to go back in for some more brain function testing. And a chromosome check. Are you sure you’re a dude? No dude i know would walk away)
So on the receipt, there is a total and then what is presumably tax. Looks like the hooker tax in florida is about 17%
Traitor_wolfe: so, what’cha doing (um, his damn job. What the hell do you think?)
B_d_d: blah blah, vague half truths
Traitor_wolfe: so that’s how it is now, we’re not going to be sharing information with each other anymore
B_d_d: relax traitor_wolfe (wow, this episode is more forced and stiff than normal. Maybe it’s a new semester at the city college and they have a fresh batch of bottom-of-the-barrel writers)
So, based on the best man’s clothing, it looks like only a few hours have passed since the murder since he’s still wearing his tux. I like the time warp factor in Miami
HAHAHAHHA the club is called “The Pole”
Best_man: i can’t go to jail, i got training camp in a week (oh, i’m sorry, does the law interrupt your personal schedule. Oh wait, this is american justice, you can probably get off based on that argument. See also: oj)
B_d_d: you gotta pay that girl back every cent (um, i think you mean you need to pay the strip club)
Calleigh: did you fire your weapon today
Frank: no, why
Calleigh: you’re glowing
Frank: i have no idea how that got there (HAHAHAHHAHAHA. Sounds like something you’d be more likely to say if it were mystery dna or lipstick on your collar or something. And if you were a suspect, there is no way anyone would believe you)
Enter h – with the shades on INSIDE
Nice touch with calleigh’s reflection in the car’s grill
Calleigh: gun mount (drink!) on this undercarriage...electronic trigger with wireless receiver (seriously? That’s determination)
H: so it was remotely fired (again with the retention skills, h. A+)
Limo_driver: how do you know that bullet wasn’t meant for me (oh, nice distraction trick. It should work on h)
Recreate the moment. This has got to be some sort of B_d_d fantasy. Why, exactly, did calleigh need to put on the veil. She’s wearing the fake veil, the one with the blood and crap on it. gross. And, how fitting, calleigh is dressed all in white and b_d_d is wearing a suit jacket.
I like how the super-computer goes from a picture of the wedding audience to an individual breakdown of all of their profiles in like 3 seconds
Why the fuck was the stripper/hooker a guest at the wedding. This is the most ridiculous episode ever!
Oh the hooker was the intended victim. Perfect! H can save a hooker, his specialty
H: We need to find her!
Hooker: i don’t understand (what else is new) (also, she hasn’t changed her outfit since she left the strip club. I imagine when she’s at home, she might wear something a bit more comfortable)
Hooker: Greg was my best customer
Calleigh: So you’ve danced for greg more than once (um, i think that “best customer” means she’s danced for him plenty of times. You do not excel at information retention like h)
Hooker: extra curricular sessions (drink!)
Calleigh: so he was at your home (think cheap motel calleigh, she’s a hooker)
Ew. Hooker needs to eat something. And they say the camera adds 10 pounds.
Calleigh: you look real pretty in this one…you know, i think this one is really my favorite (OH HAHAHAHAHHAHA. That is awesome. Absolutely classic. Although, i imagine he could pay the hooker for those pics. And she had them very conveniently located and in an envelope. I also like how they bring the friend and body guard in just so they can see those pics)
H: it’s a murder weapon, my friend (drink!)
Only in gangster-speak does “deal with it” mean to off someone. For the rest of us, it means, shut the person the fuck up.
Ahhhh… the angelic woman shot during the autopsy scene! Whew! Thought we’d be without that preachiness for an episode.
Ratings:
“gentleman’s club” – 4 dead hookers
Hookers, no blow – 3 dead hookers
B_d_d turning down the “lap dance” – 4 dead hookers
Hooker at the wedding – 5 dead hookers
Gratuitous strip club scenes – 2 dead hookers
20 large – 4 dead hookers
Hooker tax – 5 dead hookers
18 different male fantasies being fulfilled in one fun filled hour – 1 dead hooker
GPS chip in the veil – 4 dead hookers
Miami time warp – 3 dead hookers
Cross dressing photos – 3 dead hookers
Overall – 4 dead hookers.
It’s good to be back!
Tivo Description: Murder at a wedding leads the team to a strip club. (they love the strip clubs on this shows. And, aside from Miami-land, on what planet are strip clubs and weddings tied together? They didn’t say “a murder at a bachelor party was at a strip club.” Now that would make sense)
Oh split screens, how i’ve missed you!
Oh lack of working brain cells, how i’ve missed you!
I always find weddings so entertaining. Like somehow the fancy suits make the groomsmen respectable. In college they were just drunk frat boys who preyed on women and did keg stands for fun, and at the bachelor party the night before, it is obvious none of them have changed.
And the women are no better. They’re all talking trash on the wedding guests, the bride, and each other, the entire time.
Oh, the bride hesitated on “I do”…
The fake death fall, the Braveheart style scream, the guests running away. All, in a day’s work in Miami.
Tell me they have wedding security guards, running the groom off like he’s the president during an assassination attempt. And i like how everyone took off and left all the bridesmaids standing there like morons.
And the limo peels out like it’s H driving the hummer to find the vaporizer.
Oh H condescending tone, how I’ve missed you!
A no fly zone!
H: My name is Lieutenant Horatio Caine (in case we’ve forgotten over the past few months)…<angry-a-woman-was-harmed-voice> mr. tanner is conspicuously absent. Where is he?
<glasses on!>
It’s been 5 minutes. There have been about 7 lines of dialogue, and a million gratuitous flash back scenes. How dare they go on strike. How fucking dare they.
H: shell casing (drink!)
Alexx: substance under the finger nails…i’m thinking she may have gotten into a fight before the wedding (KLASSY with a K! what did i say about the fancy clothes not really changing anything)
H: A fight. On her wedding day (A+ for your retention skills, h. you may now graduate to first grade.)
Another helicopter or two and ½ the MDPD force out for a “missing” baseball player. Guaranteed he’ll show up for his job that’s, oh, broadcast on national television.
frank: that’s a felony mistake (limo_driver should have taken the chance to run him down!)
frank: here comes the groom
dumbass_groom: i can tell you who did it, it was me. (oh this is going to be some lame ass sob story about how he ruined her life or some bs and he’s now responsible for her death)
dumbass_groom: gotta be some obsessed fan…didn’t want me breaking up the team…a wife didn’t fit in that picture (that makes zero sense. I’m sure the fans could give a crap if you’re married. Does it make a difference in how you play the game? Doubtful at best. So who freakin cares?)
h: so you believe you’re responsible for your wife’s death (called it! drink!)
dumbass_groom: you ever see someone you love die, lieutenant?
(OH HERE WE GO!!!)
<cue sappy music>
H: as a matter of fact, i have mr. tanner
dumbass_groom: right in front of your eyes
h: yeah
dumbass_groom: when will i get this image out of my mind
h: you won’t
(oh spare me. They’re really pulling out all the stops tonight)
Alexx: cat fight
B_d_d: it’s glitter wax. They use it at all the high end clubs on the dancer’s poles
Alexx: and just how would you know? (exactly what i was thinking, alexx)
B_d_d: greg tanner’s bachelor party was at a “gentleman’s” club last night
Alexx: so the bride went to the bachelor party at a strip club (called it! drink!)
B_d_d: gentleman’s club
Alexx: what’s the difference?
B_d_d: i can afford to get into a strip club (wow, i’d hate to see the talent at the clubs b_d_d can afford. It’s like gambling off-strip in vegas at 4 am, which i’ve done. It ain’t pretty, but it sure is cheap)
Gratuitous strippers. CSI: Miami is back!
So we have the hookers. All we need is the blow. And 10 large to be involved.
Strip_club_tour_guide: i don’t even know how that guy made it to the wedding, and the bride, she drank everybody under the table. (ok. First of all, this dummy is talking WAY too much. The whole point of paying 10 large an hour is that you’re paying for discretion. No employee in one of these places would talk to the cops, let alone some rent-a-cop csi’s, without a ride down to the station and a little time in the lockup. Secondly, “gentlemen’s” club or not, she is a little too refined to be a hooker. I mean stripper. I mean dancer. That dummy making 4 large an hour for banging the governor of NY only has about 3 brain cells, so strip_club_tour_guide’s ability to string together sentences just seems a little off.)
So strip_club_tour_guide goes off to get the “entertainer” from the party. Riddle me this. Why is she still at work after working a 14+hour shift.
What’s up with all the creepy looks between b_d_d and the hookers
B_d_d: you hosted greg tanner’s bachelor party last night?
Hooker: didn’t host it exactly, but if that works for you..
B_d_d: i might have to swab you for a comparison (right)
Hooker: keep your swab in your pocket officer
Hooker: you don’t get it, do you, she wanted me to dance for her (of course. Gee, i wonder if most of these fine “writers” are male?)
Oh my god, how is any of this necessary.
Hooker: not until it started raining…ball players want to be like rappers…showering dancers with hundreds. (fools and their money…..)
Calleigh: we’ll be in touch
Hooker: touching is extra
(seriously. WTF.)
Alexx: horatio, that young bride
H: never had to die <off to the crime scene>
Metal detectors…very low tech for Miami
Calleigh: bullet frag (drink!)
A 1.8 million dollar veil?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
A gps chip in the veil. Unlikely
H: for a little thing that we like to call murder one
Back to the hookers.
B_d_d: i’m slammed, but you sounded frantic on the phone (h’s little protégé – saver of hookers)
Strip_club_tour_guide: this guy use a fake credit card, completely skipped out on his bill, for 20 large. (ok, i don’t think i really want to know, but i’m sort of curious as to what, exactly, you’re getting for 20 large in a “gentleman’s” club. As an aside, i guess b_d_d gets a piece of the action for free, since he can only afford low end strip joints, and this is now his second trip there, this time without old stick in the mud calleigh)
I’m the one who’s kind of on the hook, the owner here, he’s going to make me pay back every single dime. And i don’t have any where near that kind of money (this makes no sense for several reasons. 1. if you use a bum credit card, the charge won’t go through and you go back to the person and request a new card or the 20 large in cash. 2. no business owner makes their employee pay for something like that, how can this twit possibly be the credit card police)
B_d_d: what do you want me to do about it? (um, pay it. come on b_d_d, h would just pay the whole thing. How can you expect to be mini-h if you don’t bail out the distressed hooker)
Strip_club_tour_guide: it’s club policy, no customer can leave without putting their thumb print on their credit card receipt. (unlikely – it’s a “gentleman’s” club, the whole point is discretion, as discussed above. Also, she is under the misguided notion that a thumb print will automatically help you find someone. That only works if they’re in the friggin database. Which, i doubt this person is. People who can afford this shit can also pay to get records expunged.)
B_d_d: blah, blah, i ain’t doin’ it, i’ll give you a number
OH SNAP! she did not just use her stripperly wiles on him. Well, he was bitching about his inability to drool over the high-end tail.
B_d_d: you don’t have to do this this way (OH MY GOD. How unrealistic is that. Every single cop out there uses their badge for exactly this purpose.)
Strip_club_tour_guide: sorry. I’m just scared. (uh huh)
B_d_d: no promises, ok? (so you’re doing exactly what she wants, when you said you wouldn’t, and you didn’t even take the free “lap dance”. Way to stand up for yourself. I think you need to go back in for some more brain function testing. And a chromosome check. Are you sure you’re a dude? No dude i know would walk away)
So on the receipt, there is a total and then what is presumably tax. Looks like the hooker tax in florida is about 17%
Traitor_wolfe: so, what’cha doing (um, his damn job. What the hell do you think?)
B_d_d: blah blah, vague half truths
Traitor_wolfe: so that’s how it is now, we’re not going to be sharing information with each other anymore
B_d_d: relax traitor_wolfe (wow, this episode is more forced and stiff than normal. Maybe it’s a new semester at the city college and they have a fresh batch of bottom-of-the-barrel writers)
So, based on the best man’s clothing, it looks like only a few hours have passed since the murder since he’s still wearing his tux. I like the time warp factor in Miami
HAHAHAHHA the club is called “The Pole”
Best_man: i can’t go to jail, i got training camp in a week (oh, i’m sorry, does the law interrupt your personal schedule. Oh wait, this is american justice, you can probably get off based on that argument. See also: oj)
B_d_d: you gotta pay that girl back every cent (um, i think you mean you need to pay the strip club)
Calleigh: did you fire your weapon today
Frank: no, why
Calleigh: you’re glowing
Frank: i have no idea how that got there (HAHAHAHHAHAHA. Sounds like something you’d be more likely to say if it were mystery dna or lipstick on your collar or something. And if you were a suspect, there is no way anyone would believe you)
Enter h – with the shades on INSIDE
Nice touch with calleigh’s reflection in the car’s grill
Calleigh: gun mount (drink!) on this undercarriage...electronic trigger with wireless receiver (seriously? That’s determination)
H: so it was remotely fired (again with the retention skills, h. A+)
Limo_driver: how do you know that bullet wasn’t meant for me (oh, nice distraction trick. It should work on h)
Recreate the moment. This has got to be some sort of B_d_d fantasy. Why, exactly, did calleigh need to put on the veil. She’s wearing the fake veil, the one with the blood and crap on it. gross. And, how fitting, calleigh is dressed all in white and b_d_d is wearing a suit jacket.
I like how the super-computer goes from a picture of the wedding audience to an individual breakdown of all of their profiles in like 3 seconds
Why the fuck was the stripper/hooker a guest at the wedding. This is the most ridiculous episode ever!
Oh the hooker was the intended victim. Perfect! H can save a hooker, his specialty
H: We need to find her!
Hooker: i don’t understand (what else is new) (also, she hasn’t changed her outfit since she left the strip club. I imagine when she’s at home, she might wear something a bit more comfortable)
Hooker: Greg was my best customer
Calleigh: So you’ve danced for greg more than once (um, i think that “best customer” means she’s danced for him plenty of times. You do not excel at information retention like h)
Hooker: extra curricular sessions (drink!)
Calleigh: so he was at your home (think cheap motel calleigh, she’s a hooker)
Ew. Hooker needs to eat something. And they say the camera adds 10 pounds.
Calleigh: you look real pretty in this one…you know, i think this one is really my favorite (OH HAHAHAHAHHAHA. That is awesome. Absolutely classic. Although, i imagine he could pay the hooker for those pics. And she had them very conveniently located and in an envelope. I also like how they bring the friend and body guard in just so they can see those pics)
H: it’s a murder weapon, my friend (drink!)
Only in gangster-speak does “deal with it” mean to off someone. For the rest of us, it means, shut the person the fuck up.
Ahhhh… the angelic woman shot during the autopsy scene! Whew! Thought we’d be without that preachiness for an episode.
Ratings:
“gentleman’s club” – 4 dead hookers
Hookers, no blow – 3 dead hookers
B_d_d turning down the “lap dance” – 4 dead hookers
Hooker at the wedding – 5 dead hookers
Gratuitous strip club scenes – 2 dead hookers
20 large – 4 dead hookers
Hooker tax – 5 dead hookers
18 different male fantasies being fulfilled in one fun filled hour – 1 dead hooker
GPS chip in the veil – 4 dead hookers
Miami time warp – 3 dead hookers
Cross dressing photos – 3 dead hookers
Overall – 4 dead hookers.
It’s good to be back!
Sunday, March 16, 2008
12/17/2007
Miami Confidential
Tivo Description: The team uncovers a methamphetamine (drink!) lab in a murder victim’s apartment (not likely); an unscrupulous FBI agent has a secret life.
Short shorts and hummers! Hooray Miami!
Great song – Time of the Season – why did they sell out to this crap
Traitor_wolfe: looks like someone was thrown through the coffee table (cuz that happens everyday. He’s so nonchalant about it)
I like how dead girl landed perfectly on all the magazines.
Alexx: carotid artery (drink!) exsanguination (drink!)
Traitor_wolfe: hold on alexx…don’t put your hands on her… i’m thinking of trying something (i’m pretty sure necrophilia is illegal. Especially if you work with the dead)
Alexx: what are you thinking…..(big pause) you’re going to fume this body. For prints. Aren’t you. Right here (what the fuck, does she run a psychic friends hotline on the side. How could she possibly know that)
Traitor_wolfe: blah blah
Alexx: don’t give me the hard sell wolfe, just do what you gotta do before i whisk her away.
Fuming the body for prints, now this i have to see. I can’t believe this even works in real life. Oh wait, it probably doesn’t. but on csi Miami all you need is some painter’s plastic and a hair dryer.
Alexx: not bad for a make shift fuming chamber (is that like a hot box?)
Traitor_wolfe: i’ve popped a tent or two in my day (oh no he didn’t really say that.)
You mean to tell me these two idiots plugged yet another thing into that overloaded circuit. Aren’t they a doctor and a scientist? Further, of course, the overloaded circuit does not blow fuse, but sends the apartment into flames.
Alexx: ryyyyyannn
Alexx is beating the flames with a COUCH PILLOW. Now i’m no combustibles expert, but i’m thinking even a chicken knows that the pillow will burst into flames as well.
The meth lab is in the closet. I think that these genius writers have never actually seen a meth lab
Traitor_wolfe: this place is full of ammonia
Oh snap the body blew up!
Damn, they made it out alive.
So despite the fact that the apartment went from nothing to a raging inferno in like 3 seconds, and there was a boat load of combustibles in there, the rest of the apartment building is still standing and seemingly unscathed.
H: i need you at full strength (oh, you say that to all the little boys, h)
Fireman: fully operational meth lab. this place was a ticking time bomb. (ok. That apartment was way too clean to have a meth lab in it. That ‘lab’ was way too small to be a fully operational. If it were a real meth lab, they would have smelled the chemicals and other sundries as soon as they walked in. speaking of the chemicals and other sundries, i can’t fathom where that stuff was being stored, you buy in Costco sizes, not farmers market sizes. it’s unlikely that a meth lab would be in an apartment because there would be no where to dump the waste products. There wasn’t a hooker or angst-filled spoiled brat teenager in sight, two sure signs of a methlab)
Calleigh: ryan’s fuming tent didn’t start this fire (of course not)…the wall socket is cooked, i think that’s why the fan shorted. (yes, but that doesn’t answer the question of why those two dummies thought it was a good idea to plug a fan into a socket with like 18 plugs and extension cords. Or why, i dunno, they didn’t unplug a few things. Or wonder why the fuck all that shit was plugged into one wall socket. )
Frank: i’ll call delko, get him on it (cuz if he gets electrocuted, how much more damage can it really cause)
So the landlord is a suspect….why? he rented dead_girl a condo and obeyed the law by not going in without her permission. And why is dead_girl automatically a saint (oh that’s right, she’s a woman, all women are saints)…it is more logical to assume that since the meth lab was in her apartment, that she was the one cooking it, not the landlord.
A wire, of course she’s wearing one!
Alexx: so why was our baby girl bugged
(um, because the angel was working with the cops. Don’t you know all dead people, especially women, are working to leave behind the life of crime and better themselves)
Dead_girl_brother needs to go back to acting school. Oh wait, he never went.
Dead_girl_brother: rachel had a hard life…got in with the wrong crowd, parents sent her to rehab (correction. She did not have a hard life. She CHOSE to do all those things and mommy and daddy bailed her out. Don’t mistake being an idiot spoiled brat who makes moronic choices with having a hard life.)
More fun with natalia’s old fbi friends. This never ends well for anyone. And how was she in the FBI for years, took a total demotion to MDPD, and she’s like 23.
Fbi_dummy: unfortunately the bug wasn’t transmitting
H: why do you think that happened (uh oh, h smells a rat!)
Fbi_dummy: this is still an open investigation
H: so is her murder, mike, so is her murder (um, remind me again why these ‘writers’ felt like they had a right to go on strike)
Bdd: so traitor_wolfe torches this condo and he’s not here helping us sift through this…because? (shut up and do your job bdd or frank is going to send you to investigate why electric outlets are causing fires)
Calleigh: i was wondering if you would take those 4 cans of glass we collected at the crime scene and run them through dna (reality check: dna testing is very expensive and time consuming. Most labs in the country can’t afford to run many tests and are backed up for months. But they’re going to run 4 paint cans full of glass through dna on a whim)
Bdd: we’re going to need that asap.
Traitor_wolfe: the image editor software….one pixel at a time, dozens of color combinations per second…(and this piece of software that doesn’t exist is called “the image editor software”? you think they’d come up with a fancy name like WhoCanAffordThis Suite or HSucksDonkeysShop)
Natalia: i know who that is (of course it’s the shady fbi friend. I wonder if this is some sort of red herring and it’s another fbi guy who’s corrupt. Oh wait, these writers don’t know what red herring means)
Traitor_wolfe: 380 nanometers of ultraviolet light
Natalia: well, at least i know where to start
Traitor_wolfe: mike the f.b.i guy, right? (WRONG)
Natlalia: no, his wife (oh, the jealous spouse angle. Original)
Of course, they have an “understanding”. Those things are usually anything but. And seem to be common in Miami.
Crazy_wife: when he was home, he belonged to me
H: is something wrong miss boa vista (yeah, the way you’re looking at her ass)
And why is she all in white, AGAIN! These people work with dead, rotting, bloody bodies, all sorts of gross shit i don’t even want to think about, and yet she traipses around in white
White clothes on women = angelic
H always in the black suit in the Miami heat = mysterious
H: are you willing to do that now (that’s what he asked the hooker last night. But he paid her to say yes)
Wow, this informant is a hooker. What a surprise. Complete with lots of tattoos and blue hair. If she’s not actually a hooker, she may as well be. Although, i’m pretty sure real life hookers don’t actually dress like that or have all their teeth. And this “outfit” is what this woman chose to wear outside in the middle of the day. Well, i guess if you don’t have a job…
Informant_hooker_idiot: so i’m guessing this is about mikey?
Natalia: yeah, agent Fairlawn
Informant_hooker_idiot: he brought in this cute little number to replace me
Natalia: i’m guessing that bothered you? (really. What was your first clue?)
Informant_hooker_idiot: i thought he and i had something (are you new? To life? What’s wrong with you . oh right, you have no brain)
Informant_hooker_idiot: can i go? (awesome. She told her story. Now she’s bored. Time to go home and watch plants grow)
Fbi_dummy: you talked to jane?….she’s obsessed (what, exactly, did you think was going to happen. The murder investigation was going to stop because your old buddy was on the case. H would never stand for that!)
Fbi_dummy: i’m married BV (oh what a fun nickname!)
Natalia: she’s dead and you’re the only one left!
Fbi_dummy: you know me Natalia! (some of these writers must also write for soap operas)
Off into the sunset she walks!
Oh and now dead_girl was pregnant. Perfect! So if she was pregnant, why is it that a wine glass is what killed her. Must have been sparkling cider.
Alexx: catch this monster, calleigh. Catch this one.
Natalia: look at that, it’s not mike, but it does match another elimination sample.
Calleigh: zach hemming (OH MY GOD HER BROTHER. I’M GOING TO PUKE.)
Calleigh: zach, why was rachel pregnant with your baby, she’s your sister (there is no good answer to that question)
Zach: step sister (LIKE THAT MAKES IT OK)… we were 18 when our parents got married…lived a room apart (ok, these two look like they’re 30, how long was this going on AND how long were they both living with their parents)
Zach: she left me powerless…(boo hoo). I saw the drugs. She needed help. (and she was clearly going to be a model parent. Drinking and doing drugs while pregnant. Maybe the kid can grow up to be an actor on csi Miami)
Fbi_boss_guy: you questioned one of my agents today
H: we’re investigating the murder of one of your informants
Fbi_boss_guy: i’d like to ask you… to back off of agent Fairlawn (oh please. H does not do favors or help out other agencies. He’s a bridge burner, not a bridge builder)
H: he’s hiding something
Fbi_boss_guy: that’s his job lieutenant
Fbi_boss_guy: no chance lieutenant
H: hey glenn, if i find out that he got this girl killed…i’m going to get him! (ok, tough guy)
So why are they looking for the landlord at the condo where they found dead_girl. he doesn’t live there
H: you smell that frank
Frank: meth lab (that makes it sound like it’s some sort of fragrance. I know! The CSI: Miami perfume line. Eau’d Dead Hooker, Strip Club Back Room Body Spray, Methlab Spritz. And yet, earlier, when they were in the very same room as a meth lab, they smelled nothing and set the place on fire)
H: get down on the ground Jeremy
Jeremy: you got the wrong guy
(repeat 3x – the magic h number)
So traitor_wolfe is inspecting his clothes, while still on his body, for god knows what, with a magnifying glass. of course he finds some glass from the broken coffee table. What i don’t understand is the fact that there was no apparent need to change his clothes after a bloody murder, and two, how his white pants remained spotless!
Jeremy: let me clarify something else for you. That bitch deserved what she got…..she never, not once, tested our product. (all the smart drug dealers don’t use. Otherwise all the profits go up your nose)
Let me guess, she wouldn’t take a hit because she was pregnant…
Jeremy: didn’t anyone ever teach her the rules of the game. Blend in. she takes a hit, she lives to see another day…
Traitor_wolfe: (here it comes) you know what was off about her… she was pregnant! (ah yes, all women are saints, all pregnant women are angels)
H: live with that!
Traitor_wolfe, all judgy, snaps off his gloves
I’m so sure the fbi_boss_guy is just going to hand over all the audio files to dumb ass natlalia
Ah yes, all usb hubs are separate from the computer and light up when you put in the memory stick.
I like how the audio files are round and the date appears next to them, not in the properties like ON A REAL COMPUTER.
H: how does that grab you
Fbi_guy: listen up, both of you….don’t think i’m going to put up with your penny-ante, local pd nonsense, ok, you guys are way out of your league here…(oh that is just begging for an h-smack down)
Oh snap! hooker girl is back!
Nice apple product placement
Natalia: you were so busy with your investigation, you forgot she was a human being
H: THEY were human beings…not bad for a couple of penny-ante locals, huh
H: there is a way you can honor her life….forgive yourself (oh sage h words of wisdom)
And into the “writers” strike we go…
Ratings:
Hooker, alive, not dead – 4 dead hookers
Meth – 5 dead hookers
Conservative unborn children = murder anti-choice rantings – 1 dead hooker
Alexx as miss cleo – 2 dead hookers
Spotless white pants – 3 dead hookers
Fbi_dummy’s constant blank expression – 3 dead hookers
Incest – 3 dead hookers
Overall: 3 dead hookers
Tivo Description: The team uncovers a methamphetamine (drink!) lab in a murder victim’s apartment (not likely); an unscrupulous FBI agent has a secret life.
Short shorts and hummers! Hooray Miami!
Great song – Time of the Season – why did they sell out to this crap
Traitor_wolfe: looks like someone was thrown through the coffee table (cuz that happens everyday. He’s so nonchalant about it)
I like how dead girl landed perfectly on all the magazines.
Alexx: carotid artery (drink!) exsanguination (drink!)
Traitor_wolfe: hold on alexx…don’t put your hands on her… i’m thinking of trying something (i’m pretty sure necrophilia is illegal. Especially if you work with the dead)
Alexx: what are you thinking…..(big pause) you’re going to fume this body. For prints. Aren’t you. Right here (what the fuck, does she run a psychic friends hotline on the side. How could she possibly know that)
Traitor_wolfe: blah blah
Alexx: don’t give me the hard sell wolfe, just do what you gotta do before i whisk her away.
Fuming the body for prints, now this i have to see. I can’t believe this even works in real life. Oh wait, it probably doesn’t. but on csi Miami all you need is some painter’s plastic and a hair dryer.
Alexx: not bad for a make shift fuming chamber (is that like a hot box?)
Traitor_wolfe: i’ve popped a tent or two in my day (oh no he didn’t really say that.)
You mean to tell me these two idiots plugged yet another thing into that overloaded circuit. Aren’t they a doctor and a scientist? Further, of course, the overloaded circuit does not blow fuse, but sends the apartment into flames.
Alexx:
Alexx is beating the flames with a COUCH PILLOW. Now i’m no combustibles expert, but i’m thinking even a chicken knows that the pillow will burst into flames as well.
The meth lab is in the closet. I think that these genius writers have never actually seen a meth lab
Traitor_wolfe: this place is full of ammonia
Oh snap the body blew up!
Damn, they made it out alive.
So despite the fact that the apartment went from nothing to a raging inferno in like 3 seconds, and there was a boat load of combustibles in there, the rest of the apartment building is still standing and seemingly unscathed.
H: i need you at full strength (oh, you say that to all the little boys, h)
Fireman: fully operational meth lab. this place was a ticking time bomb. (ok. That apartment was way too clean to have a meth lab in it. That ‘lab’ was way too small to be a fully operational. If it were a real meth lab, they would have smelled the chemicals and other sundries as soon as they walked in. speaking of the chemicals and other sundries, i can’t fathom where that stuff was being stored, you buy in Costco sizes, not farmers market sizes. it’s unlikely that a meth lab would be in an apartment because there would be no where to dump the waste products. There wasn’t a hooker or angst-filled spoiled brat teenager in sight, two sure signs of a methlab)
Calleigh: ryan’s fuming tent didn’t start this fire (of course not)…the wall socket is cooked, i think that’s why the fan shorted. (yes, but that doesn’t answer the question of why those two dummies thought it was a good idea to plug a fan into a socket with like 18 plugs and extension cords. Or why, i dunno, they didn’t unplug a few things. Or wonder why the fuck all that shit was plugged into one wall socket. )
Frank: i’ll call delko, get him on it (cuz if he gets electrocuted, how much more damage can it really cause)
So the landlord is a suspect….why? he rented dead_girl a condo and obeyed the law by not going in without her permission. And why is dead_girl automatically a saint (oh that’s right, she’s a woman, all women are saints)…it is more logical to assume that since the meth lab was in her apartment, that she was the one cooking it, not the landlord.
A wire, of course she’s wearing one!
Alexx: so why was our baby girl bugged
(um, because the angel was working with the cops. Don’t you know all dead people, especially women, are working to leave behind the life of crime and better themselves)
Dead_girl_brother needs to go back to acting school. Oh wait, he never went.
Dead_girl_brother: rachel had a hard life…got in with the wrong crowd, parents sent her to rehab (correction. She did not have a hard life. She CHOSE to do all those things and mommy and daddy bailed her out. Don’t mistake being an idiot spoiled brat who makes moronic choices with having a hard life.)
More fun with natalia’s old fbi friends. This never ends well for anyone. And how was she in the FBI for years, took a total demotion to MDPD, and she’s like 23.
Fbi_dummy: unfortunately the bug wasn’t transmitting
H: why do you think that happened (uh oh, h smells a rat!)
Fbi_dummy: this is still an open investigation
H: so is her murder, mike, so is her murder (um, remind me again why these ‘writers’ felt like they had a right to go on strike)
Bdd: so traitor_wolfe torches this condo and he’s not here helping us sift through this…because? (shut up and do your job bdd or frank is going to send you to investigate why electric outlets are causing fires)
Calleigh: i was wondering if you would take those 4 cans of glass we collected at the crime scene and run them through dna (reality check: dna testing is very expensive and time consuming. Most labs in the country can’t afford to run many tests and are backed up for months. But they’re going to run 4 paint cans full of glass through dna on a whim)
Bdd: we’re going to need that asap.
Traitor_wolfe: the image editor software….one pixel at a time, dozens of color combinations per second…(and this piece of software that doesn’t exist is called “the image editor software”? you think they’d come up with a fancy name like WhoCanAffordThis Suite or HSucksDonkeysShop)
Natalia: i know who that is (of course it’s the shady fbi friend. I wonder if this is some sort of red herring and it’s another fbi guy who’s corrupt. Oh wait, these writers don’t know what red herring means)
Traitor_wolfe: 380 nanometers of ultraviolet light
Natalia: well, at least i know where to start
Traitor_wolfe: mike the f.b.i guy, right? (WRONG)
Natlalia: no, his wife (oh, the jealous spouse angle. Original)
Of course, they have an “understanding”. Those things are usually anything but. And seem to be common in Miami.
Crazy_wife: when he was home, he belonged to me
H: is something wrong miss boa vista (yeah, the way you’re looking at her ass)
And why is she all in white, AGAIN! These people work with dead, rotting, bloody bodies, all sorts of gross shit i don’t even want to think about, and yet she traipses around in white
White clothes on women = angelic
H always in the black suit in the Miami heat = mysterious
H: are you willing to do that now (that’s what he asked the hooker last night. But he paid her to say yes)
Wow, this informant is a hooker. What a surprise. Complete with lots of tattoos and blue hair. If she’s not actually a hooker, she may as well be. Although, i’m pretty sure real life hookers don’t actually dress like that or have all their teeth. And this “outfit” is what this woman chose to wear outside in the middle of the day. Well, i guess if you don’t have a job…
Informant_hooker_idiot: so i’m guessing this is about mikey?
Natalia: yeah, agent Fairlawn
Informant_hooker_idiot: he brought in this cute little number to replace me
Natalia: i’m guessing that bothered you? (really. What was your first clue?)
Informant_hooker_idiot: i thought he and i had something (are you new? To life? What’s wrong with you . oh right, you have no brain)
Informant_hooker_idiot: can i go? (awesome. She told her story. Now she’s bored. Time to go home and watch plants grow)
Fbi_dummy: you talked to jane?….she’s obsessed (what, exactly, did you think was going to happen. The murder investigation was going to stop because your old buddy was on the case. H would never stand for that!)
Fbi_dummy: i’m married BV (oh what a fun nickname!)
Natalia: she’s dead and you’re the only one left!
Fbi_dummy: you know me Natalia! (some of these writers must also write for soap operas)
Off into the sunset she walks!
Oh and now dead_girl was pregnant. Perfect! So if she was pregnant, why is it that a wine glass is what killed her. Must have been sparkling cider.
Alexx: catch this monster, calleigh. Catch this one.
Natalia: look at that, it’s not mike, but it does match another elimination sample.
Calleigh: zach hemming (OH MY GOD HER BROTHER. I’M GOING TO PUKE.)
Calleigh: zach, why was rachel pregnant with your baby, she’s your sister (there is no good answer to that question)
Zach: step sister (LIKE THAT MAKES IT OK)… we were 18 when our parents got married…lived a room apart (ok, these two look like they’re 30, how long was this going on AND how long were they both living with their parents)
Zach: she left me powerless…(boo hoo). I saw the drugs. She needed help. (and she was clearly going to be a model parent. Drinking and doing drugs while pregnant. Maybe the kid can grow up to be an actor on csi Miami)
Fbi_boss_guy: you questioned one of my agents today
H:
Fbi_boss_guy: i’d like to ask you… to back off of agent Fairlawn (oh please. H does not do favors or help out other agencies. He’s a bridge burner, not a bridge builder)
H: he’s hiding something
Fbi_boss_guy: that’s his job lieutenant
Fbi_boss_guy: no chance lieutenant
H: hey glenn, if i find out that he got this girl killed…i’m going to get him! (ok, tough guy)
So why are they looking for the landlord at the condo where they found dead_girl. he doesn’t live there
H: you smell that frank
Frank: meth lab (that makes it sound like it’s some sort of fragrance. I know! The CSI: Miami perfume line. Eau’d Dead Hooker, Strip Club Back Room Body Spray, Methlab Spritz. And yet, earlier, when they were in the very same room as a meth lab, they smelled nothing and set the place on fire)
H: get down on the ground Jeremy
Jeremy: you got the wrong guy
(repeat 3x – the magic h number)
So traitor_wolfe is inspecting his clothes, while still on his body, for god knows what, with a magnifying glass. of course he finds some glass from the broken coffee table. What i don’t understand is the fact that there was no apparent need to change his clothes after a bloody murder, and two, how his white pants remained spotless!
Jeremy: let me clarify something else for you. That bitch deserved what she got…..she never, not once, tested our product. (all the smart drug dealers don’t use. Otherwise all the profits go up your nose)
Let me guess, she wouldn’t take a hit because she was pregnant…
Jeremy: didn’t anyone ever teach her the rules of the game. Blend in. she takes a hit, she lives to see another day…
Traitor_wolfe: (here it comes) you know what was off about her…
H: live with that!
Traitor_wolfe, all judgy, snaps off his gloves
I’m so sure the fbi_boss_guy is just going to hand over all the audio files to dumb ass natlalia
Ah yes, all usb hubs are separate from the computer and light up when you put in the memory stick.
I like how the audio files are round and the date appears next to them, not in the properties like ON A REAL COMPUTER.
H: how does that grab you
Fbi_guy: listen up, both of you….don’t think i’m going to put up with your penny-ante, local pd nonsense, ok, you guys are way out of your league here…(oh that is just begging for an h-smack down)
Oh snap! hooker girl is back!
Nice apple product placement
Natalia: you were so busy with your investigation, you forgot she was a human being
H: THEY were human beings…not bad for a couple of penny-ante locals, huh
H: there is a way you can honor her life….forgive yourself (oh sage h words of wisdom)
And into the “writers” strike we go…
Ratings:
Hooker, alive, not dead – 4 dead hookers
Meth – 5 dead hookers
Conservative unborn children = murder anti-choice rantings – 1 dead hooker
Alexx as miss cleo – 2 dead hookers
Spotless white pants – 3 dead hookers
Fbi_dummy’s constant blank expression – 3 dead hookers
Incest – 3 dead hookers
Overall: 3 dead hookers
12/10/2007
Guerrillas in the Mist (i like how they take the title of a truly amazing story, do a little word play, and then Miami-ize it)
A rare and illegal machine gun vaporizes three weapons smugglers (and the loss to society is?), launching the CSI team into a desperate search for it.
(how does this have anything to do with the mountain gorillas in Africa?)
Split screens!!!!
And some black and white mixed with color in the split screens. That must be the full version of the software.
Why don’t these dummies have pit bulls guarding the compound like every other good smuggler/separatist?
Oh please tell me they did not truly “vaporize” these dudes. This crap makes the batman and robin show from the 60s look believable
Are these cops really all broken up about the vaporization? I mean, how can you even tell there was a body?
H: detective tripp, off patrol
Frank: the vacation ended yesterday, i’m officially back in homicide
(frank must have gotten too fat for the cop outfit they were stuffing him into, so it’s back to polyester suits!)
H: come on inside
Ew. Parts is parts…
H: they were vaporized frank
Frank: vaporized how
H: i don’t know, but it was big (really. I thought human bodies just evaporated every day with little to no effort. Well, maybe in roswell)
H: this was not a robbery frank…someone wants to send a message (again, really? I though this was a pretty subtle tactic)
Nice white pants b_d_d. apparently the bullet hit the fashion area of your brain
B_d_d/calleigh…oh for god sakes will he just slip her a roofie and get it over with!
B_d_d: we’re going to get these guys
Calleigh: we better
(ok, i’m still not really seeing wtf is the big deal. These people see all kinds of dead bodies in various fucked up states. And worse, they deal with the best “criminal masterminds” in Miami who are dumber than posts but think they can get away with shit. Hey, at least these guys are dead, and well, you don’t have to look at decomposing bodies)
The dx4….the vaporizer
B_d_d: never heard of it (um, isn’t it your fucking job to know about this shit)
Calleigh: that’s because it’s illegal (even more reason for b_d_d to know about his gun. Cuz we all know the only guns used in crimes are those of the legally purchased persuasion.)
100,000 rounds per minute. Woah, these writers are really stretching here…
Calleigh: i’d seen something like this on paper, but i didn’t know it existed yet (however, it already has a catchy name and nickname. That’s just a little inconsistent)
Calleigh: if we don’t find it, we’re going to see a lot more crime scenes like this one (actually, probably not. This guy shot some competitors, he’s probably going to lay low after this. Also, what are you pissing and moaning about. Easy clean up, no body to process, no dealing with creepy alexx and the morgue. I see only positives.)
B_d_d: i’ll get this to the lab (drink!)
Traitor_wolfe: well, if they’re in codis, chance are they weren’t innocent bystanders if you know what i mean (yes, dummy, we know what you mean. A retarded monkey knows what you mean. You don’t exactly wrap your phrases in symbolism and enigma)
Soto: i didn’t kill nobody (oh how many times have we heard this)…i’m an antiques dealer (and by antiques you mean the vaporizer?)
Soto: i got my own way of dealing with that
H: so do i. you’re under arrest. Take him. (oh, so clever. So cunning)
Of course…the guns are going to the middle east where they’ll be used against our troops. Culture of fear.
Frank: we forgot to collect the guns (forgot. Seriously. Does she look stupid? Well, kinda. And why are you giving her a hard time because she’s with customs instead of ATF. What does it matter. It all boils down to it not being your problem, what else could a fat southern cop ask for?)
Traitor_wolfe: what about the dx4
Customs_agent: the vaporizer (for a gun that calleigh claims didn’t exist 6 months ago, they sure know a lot about it)…that’s illegal in this country (for now) (and, again, what does it matter if it’s legal of not, lots of things aren’t legal, including hookers and coke, two major themes of this show…or the guns they were trying to stop from leaving the country)
Customs_agent: contracted this one out (just like in iraq!)
Dumb_gun_for_hire: you have no jurisdiction in this case (and we know jurisdiction is a sore spot with h). i’m going to have to ask you gentlemen to leave (ok Rambo, whatever)…..you have zero authority in this building
Dumb_gun_for_hire_suit: it isn’t murder, under the patriot act (oh, i love the patriot act. Hope it doesn’t come to get me for having ‘opinions’)
Dumb_gun_for_hire: blah, blah, blah, blah. (i’d say he’s reading cue cards, but i don’t think he can read. Not since my 7th grade social studies teacher have a heard anyone with less inflection in their voice)
Dumb_gun_for_hire_suit: we’re patriots…. I will not apologize for our mission (ok big tough republican guy)
H: there’s not a mark on him (except for what i did to him last night)
Dumb_gun_for_hire: national security issues
H: get behind the yellow tape or i’ll take you into custody myself.
Dumb_gun_for_hire: …this isn’t over
H: mr. wolfe, let’s get alexx out here (no escaping that creepy morgue)
Stun gun!
Calleigh: cracker jack autopsy (what’s that even mean)
Killer bubble!
The perfect murder! (doesn’t she know h is on the case. He’ll crack it like encyclopedia brown and the case of the little boys! Oh wait…am i in the right forum?)
Alexx: this killer was smart (alexx, honey, rocks are smart next to you)
Replacement_dumb_gun_for_hire_suit: we move on…can’t distract from the mission (what is this, the first moon mission)
H: we found a dx4 round in lancaster’s suv. Is that where he was storing the vaporizer? (in his car. You expect me to believe he just kept this thing under the front seat. This isn’t a $50 knock off Gucci bag)
Replacement_dumb_gun_for_hire_suit: lieutenant (drink!) off the record, you’re looking at us when you should be looking outside
H: so you’re saying steve had enemies (no, you get to be the head of some killer-for-hire firm because you’ve won a lot of friends over the years and are known for your tea parties)
Replacement_dumb_gun_for_hire_suit: plenty
H: i’ll need those names. (ok. Let’s say i turn up dead/vaporized. Sure i have enemies, i still hold grudges against people from the 4th grade. Let’s say h or some other moron cop shows up at my work asking questions. Would anyone there know the first damn thing about KD or KC. No. so how can r_d_g_f_h_s just come up with this list?)
Replacement_dumb_gun_for_hire_suit: those files are confidential. You’re just going to have to find them on your own (that’s just a fancy way of saying, “i don’t know”)
H: yes and i will (the writing! Please call the academy, these writers should be up for an award)….a word to the wise r_d_g_f_h_s, your name better not be amongst them (oh, tough talk)
B_d_d: nice, juicy partial (he needs to get out more)
Woah, woah woah……he’s claiming that the fingerprint got on to the guy’s watch when they shook hands. Riddle me this. Which hand do you shake with? If you said “right” you win a prize. But the flash back clearly shows them shaking with their left hands, PLUS, most people wear their watch on their left hand….i’m no math whiz, but i think all this adds up to a big, fat, guilty
New_suspect_marine_guy: i run a computer repair firm (yes, that seems to be the choice occupation of every moron with an associate’s degree in ‘computers’)…
I went back to my office, you can ask my secretary (um, i think the word is ‘admin’)
B_d_d: i will (they ALWAYS freakin’ say that)
I like how the information comes off laptops onto their big translucent computer screens like someone dealing from deck of cards. Cuz that’s how data retrieval works. Everything is in nice, neat stacks.
Calleigh: will you bop open that report (‘bop’. Really?)
Calleigh: operation black market status (yes, i’m sure that is the title of the report. I write status reports with more coded details than that)
Oh genius b_d_d is translating all the complex ‘military code’.
Calleigh: what are you doing? What are you doing? (well calleigh, usually when computers make those noises, that means they’re self-erasing all their data. At least, that’s how it works in the movies.)
So i paused the show to write some witty commentary, and i look up and see this, written backwards, in the translucent computer screen:
C:\ CLEANWIPE.EXE
Hmm….guess that means the hard drive is being erased. Not sure what b_d_d did to trip that.
B_d_D: the laptop’s doing it on it’s own….someone is purging the laptop remotely (um, why do you have it connected to the internets?)
Calleigh: turn it off
B_d_d: i can’t, they’re over riding it. (pull the battery dumbass)
Calleigh: can you figure out who’s doing it (calleigh, he can’t figure out how to get to the 7-11 across the street.)
B_d_d: i’m transmitting an output signal (i really don’t think that’s how tracing shit through the internet works)
Wow, it’s gun_for_hire firm that wiped the laptop. I’m shocked.
Replacement_dumb_gun_for_hire_suit: we have to make sure nothing in there falls into the wrong hands
H: like mine? (no h, you’re the wrong hands for little boys)
H: you’re telling me that the most dangerous weapon on the planet is loose on the streets of Miami (oh h. like you haven’t dealt with all sorts of shootouts and whatnot in the middle of Miami. And, i think there are a few weapons more dangerous. Like, oh, i dunno, nuclear weapons. I think those might hurt a few more people. Seriously, what’s the big deal about this gun. It kills people just the same as a rifle. Just faster. End result doesn’t change)
Stun bite
A million volts
Traitor_wolfe: girlie weapon
Customs_lady: what’s this all about wolfe?
Traitor_wolfe: it’s about your stun gun (heh heh)
Traitor_wolfe: was this a state sponsored assassination (so normally on this show, it’s all hummers, guns, republicans, yay! But now they seem to be very anti-all the crap that goes on in iraq. Interesting. Guess they’re gearing up for election season)
Traitor_wolfe: every time you use that stun gun, the date and time is recorded. (is this even real? Also, wouldn’t she be smart enough to clear the records?)
Retinal vein
Toner. Caught by the toner. I love it.
New_suspect_marine_guy: i was spending so much time engineering coups in other countries, i didn’t see the one he was pulling on me (you expect me to believe that these rogue ‘security’ firms are really the puppet masters of the world arena, organizing coups at their will?)
I love how they use the word “assassinate” to make it seem worse. It’s murder if it’s hooker, but an assassination if it’s some ceo.
New_suspect_marine_guy: it was a noble idea and he turned it into a killing machine (how is engineering coups noble?)
New_suspect_marine_guy: no i didn’t. i swear (i didn’t realize that was the secret code for ‘i’m really telling the truth this time, as opposed to all the other times i lied to you’)
The mdpd has not only fingerprints but the DNA of, like, everyone in Miami
B_d_d: by selling it to our enemies
Dumbass_’antique’_dealer: nothing personal, it’s just business. (i really don’t think anyone is that stupid)
LOVE IT……FLASH BACKS!!!!!! to b_d_d’s shooting!
Ok….so b_d_d is still wearing the white pants (and hey , so is the dead guy). I like how time stands still in miami. All of this in the same day
Calleigh: you know what’s weird…i don’t see any of your bullet strikes here
B_d_d: i felt like i was getting shot all over again. (still milking it)
Sniper perch
Dumb_gun_for_hire: blah, blah,blah, patriot act….intel (dude, this is not iraq, it’s Miami)
H: why did they want him dead
Dumb_gun_for_hire:
H: let me rephrase it: where is the gun (um, h. how do i say…um, yeah, those are two entirely different questions)
That gun is enormous. How does one person use that thing..
Dumb_gun_for_hire: blah, blah, i don’t question my superiors, blah blah. defenders of liberty…good soldiers (YOU ARE NOT SOLIDERS)
H: be a good solider
H shows up alone to catch these guys
And now r_d_g_f_h_s is going to try to vaporize h. dare to dream. But there is some fancy computer attached. So now i’m supposed to believe the person who vaporized the three guys at the beginning knew how to use this thing. And carried it on their own. I’m just asking for a little consistency in the story line is all.
Oh please, oh please, oh please say it blew up h….of course not!
How is the hummer still standing.
Oh damn, h made it, and has nary a scratch on him.
So his one gun is supposed to go up against this vaporizer. And don’t real cops get put on like years of desk duty every time they fire their weapon.
Ratings:
Patriot act: 4 dead hookers
Vaporizer: 3 dead hookers
Unrealistic technology: 3 dead hookers
Flash backs to b_d_d’s shooting – 5 dead hookers!
Wyatt-earp-h: 2 dead hookers
Left-hand-handshake: 2 dead hookers
Brain dead actors: 3 dead hookers.
Overall: 3 dead hookers.
A rare and illegal machine gun vaporizes three weapons smugglers (and the loss to society is?), launching the CSI team into a desperate search for it.
(how does this have anything to do with the mountain gorillas in Africa?)
Split screens!!!!
And some black and white mixed with color in the split screens. That must be the full version of the software.
Why don’t these dummies have pit bulls guarding the compound like every other good smuggler/separatist?
Oh please tell me they did not truly “vaporize” these dudes. This crap makes the batman and robin show from the 60s look believable
Are these cops really all broken up about the vaporization? I mean, how can you even tell there was a body?
H: detective tripp, off patrol
Frank: the vacation ended yesterday, i’m officially back in homicide
(frank must have gotten too fat for the cop outfit they were stuffing him into, so it’s back to polyester suits!)
H: come on inside
Ew. Parts is parts…
H: they were vaporized frank
Frank: vaporized how
H: i don’t know, but it was big (really. I thought human bodies just evaporated every day with little to no effort. Well, maybe in roswell)
H: this was not a robbery frank…someone wants to send a message (again, really? I though this was a pretty subtle tactic)
Nice white pants b_d_d. apparently the bullet hit the fashion area of your brain
B_d_d/calleigh…oh for god sakes will he just slip her a roofie and get it over with!
B_d_d: we’re going to get these guys
Calleigh: we better
(ok, i’m still not really seeing wtf is the big deal. These people see all kinds of dead bodies in various fucked up states. And worse, they deal with the best “criminal masterminds” in Miami who are dumber than posts but think they can get away with shit. Hey, at least these guys are dead, and well, you don’t have to look at decomposing bodies)
The dx4….the vaporizer
B_d_d: never heard of it (um, isn’t it your fucking job to know about this shit)
Calleigh: that’s because it’s illegal (even more reason for b_d_d to know about his gun. Cuz we all know the only guns used in crimes are those of the legally purchased persuasion.)
100,000 rounds per minute. Woah, these writers are really stretching here…
Calleigh: i’d seen something like this on paper, but i didn’t know it existed yet (however, it already has a catchy name and nickname. That’s just a little inconsistent)
Calleigh: if we don’t find it, we’re going to see a lot more crime scenes like this one (actually, probably not. This guy shot some competitors, he’s probably going to lay low after this. Also, what are you pissing and moaning about. Easy clean up, no body to process, no dealing with creepy alexx and the morgue. I see only positives.)
B_d_d: i’ll get this to the lab (drink!)
Traitor_wolfe: well, if they’re in codis, chance are they weren’t innocent bystanders if you know what i mean (yes, dummy, we know what you mean. A retarded monkey knows what you mean. You don’t exactly wrap your phrases in symbolism and enigma)
Soto: i didn’t kill nobody (oh how many times have we heard this)…i’m an antiques dealer (and by antiques you mean the vaporizer?)
Soto: i got my own way of dealing with that
H: so do i. you’re under arrest. Take him. (oh, so clever. So cunning)
Of course…the guns are going to the middle east where they’ll be used against our troops. Culture of fear.
Frank: we forgot to collect the guns (forgot. Seriously. Does she look stupid? Well, kinda. And why are you giving her a hard time because she’s with customs instead of ATF. What does it matter. It all boils down to it not being your problem, what else could a fat southern cop ask for?)
Traitor_wolfe: what about the dx4
Customs_agent: the vaporizer (for a gun that calleigh claims didn’t exist 6 months ago, they sure know a lot about it)…that’s illegal in this country (for now) (and, again, what does it matter if it’s legal of not, lots of things aren’t legal, including hookers and coke, two major themes of this show…or the guns they were trying to stop from leaving the country)
Customs_agent: contracted this one out (just like in iraq!)
Dumb_gun_for_hire: you have no jurisdiction in this case (and we know jurisdiction is a sore spot with h). i’m going to have to ask you gentlemen to leave (ok Rambo, whatever)…..you have zero authority in this building
Dumb_gun_for_hire_suit: it isn’t murder, under the patriot act (oh, i love the patriot act. Hope it doesn’t come to get me for having ‘opinions’)
Dumb_gun_for_hire: blah, blah, blah, blah. (i’d say he’s reading cue cards, but i don’t think he can read. Not since my 7th grade social studies teacher have a heard anyone with less inflection in their voice)
Dumb_gun_for_hire_suit: we’re patriots…. I will not apologize for our mission (ok big tough republican guy)
H: there’s not a mark on him (except for what i did to him last night)
Dumb_gun_for_hire: national security issues
H: get behind the yellow tape or i’ll take you into custody myself.
Dumb_gun_for_hire:
H: mr. wolfe, let’s get alexx out here (no escaping that creepy morgue)
Stun gun!
Calleigh: cracker jack autopsy (what’s that even mean)
Killer bubble!
The perfect murder! (doesn’t she know h is on the case. He’ll crack it like encyclopedia brown and the case of the little boys! Oh wait…am i in the right forum?)
Alexx: this killer was smart (alexx, honey, rocks are smart next to you)
Replacement_dumb_gun_for_hire_suit: we move on…can’t distract from the mission (what is this, the first moon mission)
H: we found a dx4 round in lancaster’s suv. Is that where he was storing the vaporizer? (in his car. You expect me to believe he just kept this thing under the front seat. This isn’t a $50 knock off Gucci bag)
Replacement_dumb_gun_for_hire_suit: lieutenant (drink!) off the record, you’re looking at us when you should be looking outside
H: so you’re saying steve had enemies (no, you get to be the head of some killer-for-hire firm because you’ve won a lot of friends over the years and are known for your tea parties)
Replacement_dumb_gun_for_hire_suit: plenty
H: i’ll need those names. (ok. Let’s say i turn up dead/vaporized. Sure i have enemies, i still hold grudges against people from the 4th grade. Let’s say h or some other moron cop shows up at my work asking questions. Would anyone there know the first damn thing about KD or KC. No. so how can r_d_g_f_h_s just come up with this list?)
Replacement_dumb_gun_for_hire_suit: those files are confidential. You’re just going to have to find them on your own (that’s just a fancy way of saying, “i don’t know”)
H: yes and i will (the writing! Please call the academy, these writers should be up for an award)….a word to the wise r_d_g_f_h_s, your name better not be amongst them (oh, tough talk)
B_d_d: nice, juicy partial (he needs to get out more)
Woah, woah woah……he’s claiming that the fingerprint got on to the guy’s watch when they shook hands. Riddle me this. Which hand do you shake with? If you said “right” you win a prize. But the flash back clearly shows them shaking with their left hands, PLUS, most people wear their watch on their left hand….i’m no math whiz, but i think all this adds up to a big, fat, guilty
New_suspect_marine_guy: i run a computer repair firm (yes, that seems to be the choice occupation of every moron with an associate’s degree in ‘computers’)…
I went back to my office, you can ask my secretary (um, i think the word is ‘admin’)
B_d_d: i will (they ALWAYS freakin’ say that)
I like how the information comes off laptops onto their big translucent computer screens like someone dealing from deck of cards. Cuz that’s how data retrieval works. Everything is in nice, neat stacks.
Calleigh: will you bop open that report (‘bop’. Really?)
Calleigh: operation black market status (yes, i’m sure that is the title of the report. I write status reports with more coded details than that)
Oh genius b_d_d is translating all the complex ‘military code’.
Calleigh: what are you doing? What are you doing? (well calleigh, usually when computers make those noises, that means they’re self-erasing all their data. At least, that’s how it works in the movies.)
So i paused the show to write some witty commentary, and i look up and see this, written backwards, in the translucent computer screen:
C:\ CLEANWIPE.EXE
Hmm….guess that means the hard drive is being erased. Not sure what b_d_d did to trip that.
B_d_D: the laptop’s doing it on it’s own….someone is purging the laptop remotely (um, why do you have it connected to the internets?)
Calleigh: turn it off
B_d_d: i can’t, they’re over riding it. (pull the battery dumbass)
Calleigh: can you figure out who’s doing it (calleigh, he can’t figure out how to get to the 7-11 across the street.)
B_d_d: i’m transmitting an output signal (i really don’t think that’s how tracing shit through the internet works)
Wow, it’s gun_for_hire firm that wiped the laptop. I’m shocked.
Replacement_dumb_gun_for_hire_suit: we have to make sure nothing in there falls into the wrong hands
H: like mine? (no h, you’re the wrong hands for little boys)
H: you’re telling me that the most dangerous weapon on the planet is loose on the streets of Miami (oh h. like you haven’t dealt with all sorts of shootouts and whatnot in the middle of Miami. And, i think there are a few weapons more dangerous. Like, oh, i dunno, nuclear weapons. I think those might hurt a few more people. Seriously, what’s the big deal about this gun. It kills people just the same as a rifle. Just faster. End result doesn’t change)
Stun bite
A million volts
Traitor_wolfe: girlie weapon
Customs_lady: what’s this all about wolfe?
Traitor_wolfe: it’s about your stun gun (heh heh)
Traitor_wolfe: was this a state sponsored assassination (so normally on this show, it’s all hummers, guns, republicans, yay! But now they seem to be very anti-all the crap that goes on in iraq. Interesting. Guess they’re gearing up for election season)
Traitor_wolfe: every time you use that stun gun, the date and time is recorded. (is this even real? Also, wouldn’t she be smart enough to clear the records?)
Retinal vein
Toner. Caught by the toner. I love it.
New_suspect_marine_guy: i was spending so much time engineering coups in other countries, i didn’t see the one he was pulling on me (you expect me to believe that these rogue ‘security’ firms are really the puppet masters of the world arena, organizing coups at their will?)
I love how they use the word “assassinate” to make it seem worse. It’s murder if it’s hooker, but an assassination if it’s some ceo.
New_suspect_marine_guy: it was a noble idea and he turned it into a killing machine (how is engineering coups noble?)
New_suspect_marine_guy: no i didn’t. i swear (i didn’t realize that was the secret code for ‘i’m really telling the truth this time, as opposed to all the other times i lied to you’)
The mdpd has not only fingerprints but the DNA of, like, everyone in Miami
B_d_d: by selling it to our enemies
Dumbass_’antique’_dealer: nothing personal, it’s just business. (i really don’t think anyone is that stupid)
LOVE IT……FLASH BACKS!!!!!! to b_d_d’s shooting!
Ok….so b_d_d is still wearing the white pants (and hey , so is the dead guy). I like how time stands still in miami. All of this in the same day
Calleigh: you know what’s weird…i don’t see any of your bullet strikes here
B_d_d: i felt like i was getting shot all over again. (still milking it)
Sniper perch
Dumb_gun_for_hire: blah, blah,blah, patriot act….intel (dude, this is not iraq, it’s Miami)
H: why did they want him dead
Dumb_gun_for_hire:
H: let me rephrase it: where is the gun (um, h. how do i say…um, yeah, those are two entirely different questions)
That gun is enormous. How does one person use that thing..
Dumb_gun_for_hire: blah, blah, i don’t question my superiors, blah blah. defenders of liberty…good soldiers (YOU ARE NOT SOLIDERS)
H: be a good solider
H shows up alone to catch these guys
And now r_d_g_f_h_s is going to try to vaporize h. dare to dream. But there is some fancy computer attached. So now i’m supposed to believe the person who vaporized the three guys at the beginning knew how to use this thing. And carried it on their own. I’m just asking for a little consistency in the story line is all.
Oh please, oh please, oh please say it blew up h….of course not!
How is the hummer still standing.
Oh damn, h made it, and has nary a scratch on him.
So his one gun is supposed to go up against this vaporizer. And don’t real cops get put on like years of desk duty every time they fire their weapon.
Ratings:
Patriot act: 4 dead hookers
Vaporizer: 3 dead hookers
Unrealistic technology: 3 dead hookers
Flash backs to b_d_d’s shooting – 5 dead hookers!
Wyatt-earp-h: 2 dead hookers
Left-hand-handshake: 2 dead hookers
Brain dead actors: 3 dead hookers.
Overall: 3 dead hookers.
11/26/2007
CSI: My Nanny (oh, aren’t they clever)
Tivo Description: A wealthy family’s nanny turns up dead during a party. (why is it always the help that dies?)
The background music – “the girls all look the same” – is that tongue in cheek commentary or just a fun coincidence?
Rich_bimbo:dennis bought a yacht…it’s vulgar i know (GAG ME. You spoiled princess)
Dennis: that’s mia…she’s one of our nannies. (must be nice to have multiple nannies for two kids)
Dumbass_kid: Vanessa won’t wake up (that’s never good. Um. Won’t wake up, she’s covered in blood. That’s a little more than ‘won’t wake up’)
H: who was Vanessa….(um, the nanny)
Dennis: blah blah, she took care of our lives, but we didn’t know anything about her (um, just a thought here, maybe you should know a lot about your nanny before you let her raise your kids)
H: stay home, talk to no one (why all the drama?)
Alexx: these footprints are like some kind of horror movie
Traitor_wolfe: i’ll bring it to the lab (drink!)
H: thank you mr. wolfe
B_d_d: if the killer grabbed a weapon from the kitchen, it stands to reason he put it back there too (actually, no it doesn’t. if it were me, i’d take the knife with me, hop on a boat tour and toss into the ocean three miles out. Of course, i am also not a brainless twit living in Miami.)
Calleigh: hide it in plain sight
Spoiled_brat_kid: you can see why i wasn’t exactly thrilled to go on our trip…mom and dad….megan and mary poppins (um…hold up. You’re going on 2 month boat tour on the mediterranean and your pissing and moaning because you don’t have anyone to hang out with? Um. Shutup. Also, what about the other nanny? Why doesn’t she get to go.)
I don’t know who wanted her there more…my parents or my sister (your parents want her there so they don’t have to deal with you brats)
Uh oh, nanny’s packing up to leave
Rich_bimbo: i had to let her go, she did her job too well….you all must think i deserve this, two nannies when i’m only working part time…i’m just not capable of being a great mother. (moms who work can’t be good mothers. Nice)
Traitor_wolfe: i heard you’ve been at the gun range logging some serious hours (oh will they ever drop this dumbass-can’t-shoot-a-gun thing. This is probably all a big set up so they can kill her off the show)
Model nannies…let me guess…
Pervy_nanny_interviewer: you’re very easy on the eyes (glad to see you have stringent hiring practices)
P_n_i: they all want results, no matter what it takes
H: i know the feeling (oh lord)
Alexx: your parents are well off, did you ever have a nanny (is that rude? I think so)
Calleigh: boo hoo sob story
Calleigh: did you ever figure out why her fingernails were blue
Alexx: yeah, i sure did….you know what made her fingernails beds this color? (obviously not or she wouldn’t have asked). Cyanosis
Calleigh: Is that lack of oxygen in the blood (um, is that something you probably learn in the first year at csi school?)
Traitor_wolfe: calleigh and b_d_d didn’t find any ceramic knives at the house (no shit. The killer took it. duh)
H, lurking in the shadows again…
Killer_caterer: what i gave my reference samples or whatever…..i have another job to get to
H: you’re not going to make it (is this even legal. I somehow thing it’s holding someone against their will because they’re a caterer. And what about the rest of the catering staff? Why aren’t they all being held)
Killer_caterer: yeah i knew Vanessa
H: which you neglected to mention in your statement
Killer_caterer: nobody asked. (exactly my point so many times on this dumbass show)
Rich_bimbo: lieutenant caine (drink!) you have to come inside…my husband and i, we were just robbed, a quarter of a million dollars, gone…(god, i hope you mean in jewelry and expensive shit in your house, not cash. If it’s cash, you deserved to be robbed)
B_d_d: a quarter of a million dollars is a lot of motive
H: Vanessa probably died for it, eric
B_d_d: there are prints alright, but they’re not from anyone’s finger tips…they’re from somebody’s knuckles…knuckle prints are unique (now that is an interesting fun fact)
B_d_d: you give your nannies the code to the safe….we trust our nannies (i can think of a million better people to whom you should give the safe code)
H: where’s other_nanny now
Dad: in her room, packing. Since vanessa’s gone, she’s coming with us on our trip (uh oh, i smell motive! I bet they find a chipped ceramic knife in her checked baggage. By the by, you think all of these people would be a little more upset and might postpone the trip for a few days to, i dunno, attend the funeral. They’re going to be gone 2 months, what’s a three day delay really going to change)
Family managers. Is that a real job.
Does it seem odd that two adult women had to share a one room apartment.
Oh the old nanny cam in the air filter trick.
More unrealistic computer technology! My favorite!
Dad: Vanessa and i weren’t messing around. We were talking (why in the bathroom, and why is there a camera in the bathroom. Ew.)….dumbass_kid is gay! (at like age 11 he knows this)
Male nanny! Ha!
So hold up. Dumbass_kid tells manny that he loves him, so that automatically makes him gay? And why is he stealing h’s thunder. All little boys on this show are reserved for h to molest!
H: with all due respect mister lambert, you’re not a very good witness (um, why not)
Manny: blah, blah, blah the dad sucks…i taught the kid how to fish and chase tail..
Alexx: blah, blah, eye drops…that cause oxygen…depletion…in…the..blood (i speak slowly because i’m reading cue cards)
Alexx: you know ryan, people don’t ingest this stuff accidentally (really? You mean to tell me people don’t go around drinking visine? Also, is this a trick they should really be advertising)
Alexx: then it may be time to check mia’s recipe book
So she bought him a scuba diving kit? On a nanny’s salary? And i think it takes a little more than a kit to be able to scuba dive.
H: ok…help me understand
Spoiled_brat: no more poker, no more football, no more go-karts…just this stupid trip with my stupid family (spare me)…craig taught me better than that. You have to believe me?
H: i want to, i really do son (h has said in the past to people using that same line “i don’t have to believe anything”. Guess it’s just the little boy factor. He needs them out of jail)
Manny: you gotta believe me, i didn’t do it (h seems to fall for this act too. Guess the manny can hook him up with “dates”)
Calleigh: i don’t want you to end up in the hospital
B_d_d: i’ll be fine (famous last words)
Hmm…let me see, the picture of the family without rich_bimbo_mom…wonder who the killer could be.
Uh oh…it was the caterer. Of course, the help.
Killer_caterer: i wasn’t prepared to see her with that family…we broke up because she didn’t want to have kids (boo hoo…)
Vanessa: i never said that, i just didn’t want to have them with you (Oh snap!)
They come down to the station to personally thank h, who is conveniently outside
Dad: all this time spent securing our future has kept us from enjoying our present (oh the wisdom! Cuz a two month vacation on a yacht isn’t enjoying yourself?)
H: there’s still time
They’re cancelling the trip. That’s dumb.
H: ah yes, priorities.. take care folks (is h off to check on one of his illegitimate kids or charity cases)
The manny and the fact that i think Natalia actually used that term bumps this one up to three dead hookers.
Tivo Description: A wealthy family’s nanny turns up dead during a party. (why is it always the help that dies?)
The background music – “the girls all look the same” – is that tongue in cheek commentary or just a fun coincidence?
Rich_bimbo:dennis bought a yacht…it’s vulgar i know (GAG ME. You spoiled princess)
Dennis: that’s mia…she’s one of our nannies. (must be nice to have multiple nannies for two kids)
Dumbass_kid: Vanessa won’t wake up (that’s never good. Um. Won’t wake up, she’s covered in blood. That’s a little more than ‘won’t wake up’)
H: who was Vanessa….(um, the nanny)
Dennis: blah blah, she took care of our lives, but we didn’t know anything about her (um, just a thought here, maybe you should know a lot about your nanny before you let her raise your kids)
H: stay home, talk to no one (why all the drama?)
Alexx: these footprints are like some kind of horror movie
Traitor_wolfe: i’ll bring it to the lab (drink!)
H: thank you mr. wolfe
B_d_d: if the killer grabbed a weapon from the kitchen, it stands to reason he put it back there too (actually, no it doesn’t. if it were me, i’d take the knife with me, hop on a boat tour and toss into the ocean three miles out. Of course, i am also not a brainless twit living in Miami.)
Calleigh: hide it in plain sight
Spoiled_brat_kid: you can see why i wasn’t exactly thrilled to go on our trip…mom and dad….megan and mary poppins (um…hold up. You’re going on 2 month boat tour on the mediterranean and your pissing and moaning because you don’t have anyone to hang out with? Um. Shutup. Also, what about the other nanny? Why doesn’t she get to go.)
I don’t know who wanted her there more…my parents or my sister (your parents want her there so they don’t have to deal with you brats)
Uh oh, nanny’s packing up to leave
Rich_bimbo: i had to let her go, she did her job too well….you all must think i deserve this, two nannies when i’m only working part time…i’m just not capable of being a great mother. (moms who work can’t be good mothers. Nice)
Traitor_wolfe: i heard you’ve been at the gun range logging some serious hours (oh will they ever drop this dumbass-can’t-shoot-a-gun thing. This is probably all a big set up so they can kill her off the show)
Model nannies…let me guess…
Pervy_nanny_interviewer: you’re very easy on the eyes (glad to see you have stringent hiring practices)
P_n_i: they all want results, no matter what it takes
H: i know the feeling (oh lord)
Alexx: your parents are well off, did you ever have a nanny (is that rude? I think so)
Calleigh: boo hoo sob story
Calleigh: did you ever figure out why her fingernails were blue
Alexx:
Calleigh: Is that lack of oxygen in the blood (um, is that something you probably learn in the first year at csi school?)
Traitor_wolfe: calleigh and b_d_d didn’t find any ceramic knives at the house (no shit. The killer took it. duh)
H, lurking in the shadows again…
Killer_caterer: what i gave my reference samples or whatever…..i have another job to get to
H: you’re not going to make it (is this even legal. I somehow thing it’s holding someone against their will because they’re a caterer. And what about the rest of the catering staff? Why aren’t they all being held)
Killer_caterer: yeah i knew Vanessa
H: which you neglected to mention in your statement
Killer_caterer: nobody asked. (exactly my point so many times on this dumbass show)
Rich_bimbo: lieutenant caine (drink!) you have to come inside…my husband and i, we were just robbed, a quarter of a million dollars, gone…(god, i hope you mean in jewelry and expensive shit in your house, not cash. If it’s cash, you deserved to be robbed)
B_d_d: a quarter of a million dollars is a lot of motive
H: Vanessa probably died for it, eric
B_d_d: there are prints alright, but they’re not from anyone’s finger tips…they’re from somebody’s knuckles…knuckle prints are unique (now that is an interesting fun fact)
B_d_d: you give your nannies the code to the safe….we trust our nannies (i can think of a million better people to whom you should give the safe code)
H: where’s other_nanny now
Dad: in her room, packing. Since vanessa’s gone, she’s coming with us on our trip (uh oh, i smell motive! I bet they find a chipped ceramic knife in her checked baggage. By the by, you think all of these people would be a little more upset and might postpone the trip for a few days to, i dunno, attend the funeral. They’re going to be gone 2 months, what’s a three day delay really going to change)
Family managers. Is that a real job.
Does it seem odd that two adult women had to share a one room apartment.
Oh the old nanny cam in the air filter trick.
More unrealistic computer technology! My favorite!
Dad: Vanessa and i weren’t messing around. We were talking (why in the bathroom, and why is there a camera in the bathroom. Ew.)….dumbass_kid is gay! (at like age 11 he knows this)
Male nanny! Ha!
So hold up. Dumbass_kid tells manny that he loves him, so that automatically makes him gay? And why is he stealing h’s thunder. All little boys on this show are reserved for h to molest!
H: with all due respect mister lambert, you’re not a very good witness (um, why not)
Manny: blah, blah, blah the dad sucks…i taught the kid how to fish and chase tail..
Alexx: blah, blah, eye drops…that cause oxygen…depletion…in…the..blood (i speak slowly because i’m reading cue cards)
Alexx: you know ryan, people don’t ingest this stuff accidentally (really? You mean to tell me people don’t go around drinking visine? Also, is this a trick they should really be advertising)
Alexx:
So she bought him a scuba diving kit? On a nanny’s salary? And i think it takes a little more than a kit to be able to scuba dive.
H: ok…help me understand
Spoiled_brat: no more poker, no more football, no more go-karts…just this stupid trip with my stupid family (spare me)…craig taught me better than that. You have to believe me?
H: i want to, i really do son (h has said in the past to people using that same line “i don’t have to believe anything”. Guess it’s just the little boy factor. He needs them out of jail)
Manny: you gotta believe me, i didn’t do it (h seems to fall for this act too. Guess the manny can hook him up with “dates”)
Calleigh: i don’t want you to end up in the hospital
B_d_d: i’ll be fine (famous last words)
Hmm…let me see, the picture of the family without rich_bimbo_mom…wonder who the killer could be.
Uh oh…it was the caterer. Of course, the help.
Killer_caterer: i wasn’t prepared to see her with that family…we broke up because she didn’t want to have kids (boo hoo…)
Vanessa: i never said that, i just didn’t want to have them with you (Oh snap!)
They come down to the station to personally thank h, who is conveniently outside
Dad: all this time spent securing our future has kept us from enjoying our present (oh the wisdom! Cuz a two month vacation on a yacht isn’t enjoying yourself?)
H: there’s still time
They’re cancelling the trip. That’s dumb.
H: ah yes, priorities.. take care folks (is h off to check on one of his illegitimate kids or charity cases)
The manny and the fact that i think Natalia actually used that term bumps this one up to three dead hookers.
11/19/2007
Stand Your Ground
Tivo Description: Someone tries to kill Inspector Calleigh Duquesne.
Bikinis, boats, bimbos, and cars. Just another day in Miami!
Slo-mo scenes and split screens with Calleigh – she must be in big trouble
She drives that car on her crap ass public servant salary
She picks up the gun without gloves!
Uh-oh, car’s coming right at you. You have two choices…
1. MOVE THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY
2. stand there like a dumbass
Of course, the old car through the plate glass window trick!
Calleigh: get out of the car (um, let’s see, gun shots and a trip through a window. Methinks they’re dead.
They’re sending out the helicopter for this minor incident. Glad i’m not paying taxes in Miami.
H: What is this frank? (um, well h, it’s a pretty fucked up car accident and your girl calleigh is basically responsible for it)
H: the K9 unit
Frank: i got two birds in the air (no one really says that)
The dogs and the choppers, for someone who may or may not have been trying to kill calleigh.
The dead lady is, of course, in the Christ position. Is this symbolism for minors or what? Here we go with the saint-like woman myth they love to perpetuate on this show.
H: so she was an innocent bystander (i’m guessing probably not)
Frank: staring down the barrel of a gun, the mind plays tricks (lucky for us frank, that will never happen to you!)
H: and we’ve got a few of our own
Traitor_wolfe: who would try to run over calleigh (gee, let me see, she’s been a part of putting away how many killers, rapists, etc, etc., etc…i just don’t have the first clue)
H: it’s too soon to tell, mr. wolfe, but we must…..must document it all (first class scripting, right there!)
Ah yes, now we find out the victim is a middle school teacher. What else, besides a nun?
H: This could be blood from our fugitive (well, it is on the passenger side of the car)
Traitor_wolfe: it’ll give us an ID (ONLY IF THE DUMBASS IS ALREADY IN THE SYSTEM. It’s dna, not magic.)
H: get it to the lab, please
Calleigh’s flashbacks – so cheezy!
B_d_d: listen calleigh, i’ve got to ask you something, and i don’t want you to take it the wrong way. (any time you preface a question with that statement, there is only one way to take it). i know you were off duty, had you been drinking (let’s see, she just said she had brunch, so if she answers yes, does that make her an alcoholic?)
Calleigh: you know the paramedic asked me that question..
Creepy gross hug scene with b_d_d and calleigh…and were they zooming in on a wedding ring?
Iad_scuzz_bag: blah, blah, blah…you were HBD (whatever that means)
I can’t believe they had to drag here down to the station for the breathalyzer
Iad_scuzz_bag: alcohol dissipates (big word for Miami) at the rate of blah, blah, blah…(dude, like she doesn’t already know that!)…the question becomes what was this number during the incident.. you couldn’t provide a description of the suspect
Ok, so riddle me this.
1. how does 2 mimosas get anyone drunk
2. if she were not a cop, would they be grilling her over her inability to describe the suspect when she had a gun in her face
3. what does matter if she were sober or totally shit faced, someone tried to kill her, work on that and then worry about her description and BAL.
Of course she knows the exact model of the gun
Natalia: as soon as i finish my firearms training (which will be NEVER)…i’m going to get an off duty gun, because it is scary out there (that’s just what the bush administration wants you to believe. More guns will make us safe. That’s the answer)
Traitor_wolfe: not as scary as being investigated by the dept. for what you do off the clock.
Alexx: calleigh honey, they said you couldn’t work the field. Does this look like the field to you baby?
H: she was dead before that
Store_owner: what, you mean murdered? (no, he meant some other way she was found dead in your store)
Store_owner: i was just trying to run my business
H: join the club (does that make any sense. You have no business h, you work for the city)
So he shows her the receipt for the mimosas…and they’re for “friends”. What is she hiding?????
Oh jake, knocking backing 4 mimosas. You’re in trouble now buddy!
Jake: i was just a guy, an off duty cop, who was just trying to enjoy himself (wow, i bet that excuse has never been heard in AA)
H: it’s where we found dead lady’s body
Art_teacher:
H: did you two have a relationship? (that’s kind of out of the blue. Is he also going to ask him his favorite laundry detergent?)
Art_teacher: i substitute teach…when i’m here, sometimes we’re friendly. (because there is no way you could see each other any other time or place, seeing as you live in the same city, and, oh yeah, obviously the best place to do the dirty is IN YOUR CLASSROOM. Morons.)
H: because we found paint, just like the paint on your hands, in the autopsy. (ok, so dude wastes no time. Is this a weekend? If so, what the hell is he doing in the school? Is this a weekday, if so, why wasn’t she at school? Calleigh was having brunch, which would fall during school hours. Who has brunch on weekdays. No one. It’s generally only offered on Sundays. The ability of these writers to grasp the concepts of time and space is astounding!)
H: you’re describing a shoulder massage…(i think i’m gonna puke)
Student on the floor
H: Somebody call 911 please. (um, don’t you have a direct line? Also, maybe you could walk a little faster)
H: help is on the way sweetheart (thank god you’re not the only “help” she’ll get to day, h. i know little boys are more your style, but you never know)
Art_teacher: lieutenant (argh!) what is this
H: that’s not medication (NO SHIT!), it could be heroin, she’s overdosing. (heroin. In middle school. Right)
Ok, so now the dead middle school teacher is dealing “bumps” and “cheese”. Let me guess, she’s being set up. I’ll bet you two dead hookers i’m right!
Spoiled rich brats…parents in the Bahamas, this kid is up to no good…
Natalia: it sounds to me like she’s building up evidence to shut down an operation (of course, dead woman was trying to save the world. of course. All women are angels)
Traitor_wolfe: what am i going to do? I’m going to finish the job dead lady started
Moron_suspect: i threaten your csi chick with a lawsuit and you’re going to pay me back with a murder charge
H: there is 13 year old girl in the hospital who is probably going to die, i hope you’re ready to live with that (again, i’m not seeing the connection)
Do you expect me to believe that Natalia is teaching b_d_d csi tricks, like looking under the carpet….
B_d_d: there’s a latent print on top of it (ever since the shooting he can now see things that aren’t visible to the human eye)
Store_owner: i don’t do anything illegal here (that was convincing)
B_d_d: don’t thank me…thank god…thank jake (um, yeah, ok)
B_d_d: i guess he’s a stand up guy after all
Gee, i wonder if jake planted the bullet in that tree
Traitor_wolfe: there is another teacher that gets around (oh your double entendre is so clever!)
Ruh-ro…guess that tie tack was yours…
H really brought this guy down with like zero effort.
Art_teacher: pete was my heroin connect…it was all the different flavors that got the kids to like the heroin (seriously? Let’s vilify male teachers even more. Flavored heroin. Selling to middle school kids. Give me a break, this is L-A-M-E. also spelled as: C-S-I-M-I-A-M-I)
H: you were distributing to children (like little boys. Hey, can you give me some, i bet it makes them easier to rape)
Do the kids in this school really need to be enticed with sneakers, i’m sure their parents will buy them whatever shoes they want
Art_teacher: yeah they took care of it. idiots brought you cops to our front door (get what you pay for?)
Oh good, the moron kid survives, and there’s h, peeking in her window, so he’s the first person she sees when she wakes up. Lucky her!
This girl looks like she’s 25 and where the hell are her parents?!?!
H: beth, my name is h, i’m a police officer…..you had…quite a large dose of narcotics in your system
Beth: you mean i could have died..
H: now beth, i hate to do this to you, but i need to know where you got it
Beth:
H: i promise, i will protect you
Beth: it’s not like that…he’s a friend
H: ok…..beth, so somebody else doesn’t get hurt. I need his name….(kids are easier to break down. You only have to ask them twice)
Dumbass_logan: i’m i trouble, aren’t i?.....i just wanted the shoes. (again…i think your parents buy you whatever you want)
H: logan there are going to be consequences, but we’ll get through it (we?)
This was long and full of urban legends. 2 dead hookers.
Tivo Description: Someone tries to kill Inspector Calleigh Duquesne.
Bikinis, boats, bimbos, and cars. Just another day in Miami!
Slo-mo scenes and split screens with Calleigh – she must be in big trouble
She drives that car on her crap ass public servant salary
She picks up the gun without gloves!
Uh-oh, car’s coming right at you. You have two choices…
1. MOVE THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY
2. stand there like a dumbass
Of course, the old car through the plate glass window trick!
Calleigh: get out of the car (um, let’s see, gun shots and a trip through a window. Methinks they’re dead.
They’re sending out the helicopter for this minor incident. Glad i’m not paying taxes in Miami.
H: What is this frank? (um, well h, it’s a pretty fucked up car accident and your girl calleigh is basically responsible for it)
H: the K9 unit
Frank: i got two birds in the air (no one really says that)
The dogs and the choppers, for someone who may or may not have been trying to kill calleigh.
The dead lady is, of course, in the Christ position. Is this symbolism for minors or what? Here we go with the saint-like woman myth they love to perpetuate on this show.
H: so she was an innocent bystander (i’m guessing probably not)
Frank: staring down the barrel of a gun, the mind plays tricks (lucky for us frank, that will never happen to you!)
H: and we’ve got a few of our own
Traitor_wolfe: who would try to run over calleigh (gee, let me see, she’s been a part of putting away how many killers, rapists, etc, etc., etc…i just don’t have the first clue)
H: it’s too soon to tell, mr. wolfe, but we must…..must document it all (first class scripting, right there!)
Ah yes, now we find out the victim is a middle school teacher. What else, besides a nun?
H: This could be blood from our fugitive (well, it is on the passenger side of the car)
Traitor_wolfe: it’ll give us an ID (ONLY IF THE DUMBASS IS ALREADY IN THE SYSTEM. It’s dna, not magic.)
H: get it to the lab, please
Calleigh’s flashbacks – so cheezy!
B_d_d: listen calleigh, i’ve got to ask you something, and i don’t want you to take it the wrong way. (any time you preface a question with that statement, there is only one way to take it). i know you were off duty, had you been drinking (let’s see, she just said she had brunch, so if she answers yes, does that make her an alcoholic?)
Calleigh: you know the paramedic asked me that question..
Creepy gross hug scene with b_d_d and calleigh…and were they zooming in on a wedding ring?
Iad_scuzz_bag: blah, blah, blah…you were HBD (whatever that means)
I can’t believe they had to drag here down to the station for the breathalyzer
Iad_scuzz_bag: alcohol dissipates (big word for Miami) at the rate of blah, blah, blah…(dude, like she doesn’t already know that!)…the question becomes what was this number during the incident.. you couldn’t provide a description of the suspect
Ok, so riddle me this.
1. how does 2 mimosas get anyone drunk
2. if she were not a cop, would they be grilling her over her inability to describe the suspect when she had a gun in her face
3. what does matter if she were sober or totally shit faced, someone tried to kill her, work on that and then worry about her description and BAL.
Of course she knows the exact model of the gun
Natalia: as soon as i finish my firearms training (which will be NEVER)…i’m going to get an off duty gun, because it is scary out there (that’s just what the bush administration wants you to believe. More guns will make us safe. That’s the answer)
Traitor_wolfe: not as scary as being investigated by the dept. for what you do off the clock.
Alexx: calleigh honey, they said you couldn’t work the field. Does this look like the field to you baby?
H: she was dead before that
Store_owner: what, you mean murdered? (no, he meant some other way she was found dead in your store)
Store_owner: i was just trying to run my business
H: join the club (does that make any sense. You have no business h, you work for the city)
So he shows her the receipt for the mimosas…and they’re for “friends”. What is she hiding?????
Oh jake, knocking backing 4 mimosas. You’re in trouble now buddy!
Jake: i was just a guy, an off duty cop, who was just trying to enjoy himself (wow, i bet that excuse has never been heard in AA)
H: it’s where we found dead lady’s body
Art_teacher:
H: did you two have a relationship?
Art_teacher: i substitute teach…when i’m here, sometimes we’re friendly. (because there is no way you could see each other any other time or place, seeing as you live in the same city, and, oh yeah, obviously the best place to do the dirty is IN YOUR CLASSROOM. Morons.)
H: because we found paint, just like the paint on your hands, in the autopsy. (ok, so dude wastes no time. Is this a weekend? If so, what the hell is he doing in the school? Is this a weekday, if so, why wasn’t she at school? Calleigh was having brunch, which would fall during school hours. Who has brunch on weekdays. No one. It’s generally only offered on Sundays. The ability of these writers to grasp the concepts of time and space is astounding!)
H: you’re describing a shoulder massage…(i think i’m gonna puke)
Student on the floor
H: Somebody call 911 please. (um, don’t you have a direct line? Also, maybe you could walk a little faster)
H: help is on the way sweetheart (thank god you’re not the only “help” she’ll get to day, h. i know little boys are more your style, but you never know)
Art_teacher: lieutenant (argh!) what is this
H: that’s not medication (NO SHIT!), it could be heroin, she’s overdosing. (heroin. In middle school. Right)
Ok, so now the dead middle school teacher is dealing “bumps” and “cheese”. Let me guess, she’s being set up. I’ll bet you two dead hookers i’m right!
Spoiled rich brats…parents in the Bahamas, this kid is up to no good…
Natalia: it sounds to me like she’s building up evidence to shut down an operation (of course, dead woman was trying to save the world. of course. All women are angels)
Traitor_wolfe: what am i going to do? I’m going to finish the job dead lady started
Moron_suspect: i threaten your csi chick with a lawsuit and you’re going to pay me back with a murder charge
H: there is 13 year old girl in the hospital who is probably going to die, i hope you’re ready to live with that (again, i’m not seeing the connection)
Do you expect me to believe that Natalia is teaching b_d_d csi tricks, like looking under the carpet….
B_d_d: there’s a latent print on top of it (ever since the shooting he can now see things that aren’t visible to the human eye)
Store_owner: i don’t do anything illegal here (that was convincing)
B_d_d: don’t thank me…thank god…thank jake (um, yeah, ok)
B_d_d: i guess he’s a stand up guy after all
Gee, i wonder if jake planted the bullet in that tree
Traitor_wolfe: there is another teacher that gets around (oh your double entendre is so clever!)
Ruh-ro…guess that tie tack was yours…
H really brought this guy down with like zero effort.
Art_teacher: pete was my heroin connect…it was all the different flavors that got the kids to like the heroin (seriously? Let’s vilify male teachers even more. Flavored heroin. Selling to middle school kids. Give me a break, this is L-A-M-E. also spelled as: C-S-I-M-I-A-M-I)
H: you were distributing to children (like little boys. Hey, can you give me some, i bet it makes them easier to rape)
Do the kids in this school really need to be enticed with sneakers, i’m sure their parents will buy them whatever shoes they want
Art_teacher: yeah they took care of it. idiots brought you cops to our front door (get what you pay for?)
Oh good, the moron kid survives, and there’s h, peeking in her window, so he’s the first person she sees when she wakes up. Lucky her!
This girl looks like she’s 25 and where the hell are her parents?!?!
H: beth, my name is h, i’m a police officer…..you had…quite a large dose of narcotics in your system
Beth: you mean i could have died..
H: now beth, i hate to do this to you, but i need to know where you got it
Beth:
H: i promise, i will protect you
Beth: it’s not like that…he’s a friend
H: ok…..beth, so somebody else doesn’t get hurt. I need his name….(kids are easier to break down. You only have to ask them twice)
Dumbass_logan: i’m i trouble, aren’t i?.....i just wanted the shoes. (again…i think your parents buy you whatever you want)
H: logan there are going to be consequences, but we’ll get through it (we?)
This was long and full of urban legends. 2 dead hookers.
11/12/2007
Permanent Vacation
Tivo Description: A family vacation turns deadly (what else), forcing the CSI team to find the killer before the survivors (aka, the other family members) decide to seek justice on their own.
This is not good for the hotel industry. Nothing bad happens in nice hotels. Don’t they know that.
Oh the suspense is killing me. Which one is going to eat it…
Natalia has more pairs of white pants than any other person on the planet. Odd, because white pants are hard to clean for a regular person, let alone when your job involves playing in dead people’s blood.
Nice plug for livestrong.
H: Miss BoaVista, are you ok.
Natalia: I’ve never been first on the scene before, without alexx. I feel was like he was trying to talk to me, tell me what happened (where do i even start with this one. I know alexx’s shtick is to talk to the dead bodies, but don’t get all 6th sense on me and start saying you see dead people)
H: He is trying to talk to us…and we….are listening
Calleigh: blah, blah, blah…bullet, i can get back to the lab…
Alexx: only one problem, it’s not here!
Alexx: gang hit…on the tourists from Canada (what they’re worth more than Americans or germans?)
Alexx: Look, I’m on you tube
Dad says he doesn’t know where the kid was going…didn’t they have some sort of divide and conquer plan. Hmmmmm…i smell a problem
Dad: This hotel is supposed to a celebrity hangout..rap stars, starlets (didn’t i say nice hotels are supposed to be safe)
Dad: My heart is torn out lieutenant, how are you going to make that right?
H: I’m going to find your son’s killer (writer’s strike be damned, we don’t need no stinkin’ writers!)
So they find the key card and can automatically access all the info on there…
Do people really hand total strangers their room keys?
Especially when their rage-a-holic boyfriend can walk in at any second
Oh more technology that doesn’t exist!!! The transparent screens and crazy big motion computers..
Natalia: muzzle flash
Guess that hotel doesn’t use tide to clean their clothes. Isn’t that what the commercials claimed, that it got out blood.
Oh here’s the martyr suspect….works construction during the day to get away from the gangs
H: you’re our number one suspect
Oh please, like a Canadian would go after a potential suspect.
Dad: My other son is in shock (oh jeez, perfect h bait, please don’t leave those two alone)
Other_son:
H: how you doin’ shane? (and what are you doing later?). Shane, I want to ask you about your brother, ok? (cuz he has a choice)
This dad is a big old nut job…
H: vicitim’s dad…he’s dangerous
Frank: what do you want me to do? (i dunno frank, you’re the cop, how about your job?)
H: Follow him
B_d_d knows standard motorcycle sizes off the top of his head. He doesn’t even know what he had for breakfast!
Of course h is lurking in the shadows…
Frank: I understand you run a custom motorcycle shop out of this place. (really frank, what was your first clue)
H: You eluded my surveillance
Dad: You mean that bald guy you had tailing me (way to be slick frank)
I like how the injury photos were taken at the construction scene and not, oh, the hospital..
Slimeball: yeah, that’s my gun but you can’t put it in my hands for the murder
H: Not yet…
Natalia, an expert in ass juice in guns. B_d_d is impressed. Why am i not surprised.
Natalia: if we put out a BOLO the cobras are going to try to get him out of the country
B_d_d: if we don’t get him now, we’ll lose him forever
So bring in the police helicopters for this small time loser.
Dumbass: Pretty bold coming into my house uninvited.
And reaches for his conveniently located gun
Oh no…B_D_D is surrounded…and let me guess…here it is…H to the rescue!
Don’t they usually separate the criminals and try to get them to confess separately, especially when they’re trying to weigh their stories. At least that’s they way they do it on law and order.
Wow! 1985 called, they want their whole “random kill” urban legend back
So this moron’s girlfriend cheats on him, and he blames the other guy. That’s genius. She’ll never use the “drunk” excuse again.
And text messaging as a murder ploy has made it to CSI Miami!
WTF is the homo-erotic scene between the two criminals.
So H wants this guy to drop the charges so some dumb teenager doesn’t go to jail…
Luis: you, gonna help me?
H: i would do that for you luis
Uh oh, the H charity fund is extending to older gang-risk dudes. This is a whole new twist. And yet another strain on h’s salary….
I’m so sure that the perp walk happens in front of the family multiple times….why are they always seeing the suspects?
And of course the mom doesn’t listen. OH SNAP! she shot him. Canadians no less…
Nice slow mo and cut out scenes…
Until that creepy h scene, i gave it a 2 dead hooker rating, but the weird h charity fund and the mom shooting the suspect pushed it up to 3.
Tivo Description: A family vacation turns deadly (what else), forcing the CSI team to find the killer before the survivors (aka, the other family members) decide to seek justice on their own.
This is not good for the hotel industry. Nothing bad happens in nice hotels. Don’t they know that.
Oh the suspense is killing me. Which one is going to eat it…
Natalia has more pairs of white pants than any other person on the planet. Odd, because white pants are hard to clean for a regular person, let alone when your job involves playing in dead people’s blood.
Nice plug for livestrong.
H: Miss BoaVista, are you ok.
Natalia: I’ve never been first on the scene before, without alexx. I feel was like he was trying to talk to me, tell me what happened (where do i even start with this one. I know alexx’s shtick is to talk to the dead bodies, but don’t get all 6th sense on me and start saying you see dead people)
H: He is trying to talk to us…and we….are listening
Calleigh: blah, blah, blah…bullet, i can get back to the lab…
Alexx: only one problem, it’s not here!
Alexx: gang hit…on the tourists from Canada (what they’re worth more than Americans or germans?)
Alexx: Look, I’m on you tube
Dad says he doesn’t know where the kid was going…didn’t they have some sort of divide and conquer plan. Hmmmmm…i smell a problem
Dad: This hotel is supposed to a celebrity hangout..rap stars, starlets (didn’t i say nice hotels are supposed to be safe)
Dad: My heart is torn out lieutenant, how are you going to make that right?
H:
So they find the key card and can automatically access all the info on there…
Do people really hand total strangers their room keys?
Especially when their rage-a-holic boyfriend can walk in at any second
Oh more technology that doesn’t exist!!! The transparent screens and crazy big motion computers..
Natalia: muzzle flash
Guess that hotel doesn’t use tide to clean their clothes. Isn’t that what the commercials claimed, that it got out blood.
Oh here’s the martyr suspect….works construction during the day to get away from the gangs
H: you’re our number one suspect
Oh please, like a Canadian would go after a potential suspect.
Dad: My other son is in shock (oh jeez, perfect h bait, please don’t leave those two alone)
Other_son:
H: how you doin’ shane? (and what are you doing later?). Shane, I want to ask you about your brother, ok? (cuz he has a choice)
This dad is a big old nut job…
H: vicitim’s dad…he’s dangerous
Frank: what do you want me to do? (i dunno frank, you’re the cop, how about your job?)
H: Follow him
B_d_d knows standard motorcycle sizes off the top of his head. He doesn’t even know what he had for breakfast!
Of course h is lurking in the shadows…
Frank: I understand you run a custom motorcycle shop out of this place. (really frank, what was your first clue)
H: You eluded my surveillance
Dad: You mean that bald guy you had tailing me (way to be slick frank)
I like how the injury photos were taken at the construction scene and not, oh, the hospital..
Slimeball: yeah, that’s my gun but you can’t put it in my hands for the murder
H: Not yet…
Natalia, an expert in ass juice in guns. B_d_d is impressed. Why am i not surprised.
Natalia: if we put out a BOLO the cobras are going to try to get him out of the country
B_d_d: if we don’t get him now, we’ll lose him forever
So bring in the police helicopters for this small time loser.
Dumbass: Pretty bold coming into my house uninvited.
And reaches for his conveniently located gun
Oh no…B_D_D is surrounded…and let me guess…here it is…H to the rescue!
Don’t they usually separate the criminals and try to get them to confess separately, especially when they’re trying to weigh their stories. At least that’s they way they do it on law and order.
Wow! 1985 called, they want their whole “random kill” urban legend back
So this moron’s girlfriend cheats on him, and he blames the other guy. That’s genius. She’ll never use the “drunk” excuse again.
And text messaging as a murder ploy has made it to CSI Miami!
WTF is the homo-erotic scene between the two criminals.
So H wants this guy to drop the charges so some dumb teenager doesn’t go to jail…
Luis: you, gonna help me?
H: i would do that for you luis
Uh oh, the H charity fund is extending to older gang-risk dudes. This is a whole new twist. And yet another strain on h’s salary….
I’m so sure that the perp walk happens in front of the family multiple times….why are they always seeing the suspects?
And of course the mom doesn’t listen. OH SNAP! she shot him. Canadians no less…
Nice slow mo and cut out scenes…
Until that creepy h scene, i gave it a 2 dead hooker rating, but the weird h charity fund and the mom shooting the suspect pushed it up to 3.
11/5/2007
Tivo Description: The investigation into a model’s murder sends Horatio back to prison (where he belongs. Oh wait, i don’t think they mean he’s in jail) where he must work with a former nemesis (could this be one of ‘the general’s’ sons from last season? Oh i do hope so!) to clear his son’s (*wink* *wink*) name.
Bimbos and bikinis….here we go…Miami-style
Semi automatic weapons at the fashion show. We went from “new south” to “old south” in 10 seconds.
Bimbo: are they cancelling the show
Shootout scene – very Tarantino. I guess they were jealous that the real show had Tarantino direct an episode, so they’ll do a poor meth-addled knock off.
Let me guess. While the fake guns were going off, a real murder took place in the shadows.
Handcuffs. Do i smell foreshadowing?
The electrocution scene. Only the best ‘actresses’ from the community college for this show!
H: somebody killed this girl, alexx (NO SHIT SHERLOCK)
Wanna_be_versace: a girl that nice doesn’t have any enemies (you don’t know the first thing about women)
Traitor_wolfe: when alicia’s light got power, she got power
Calleigh: why didn’t she get electrocuted until she touched the pole (HOLD THE FUCK UP. Ok, i’m no physics whiz, but i’m going to take a wild guess here….she had to close the circuit???? Is that really a mystery to anyone. You supposedly have a degree in science)
Lighting_moron: don’t look at me….that’s why i know, there’s no way this could have happened (well, i won’t be making any investments based on what you know, moron, because here’s a news flash: it did happen)
Lighting_moron: i’m the only person with any reason to be down there (oh, they are tricky with their fancy ‘hidden’ clues.)
Red_haired_dummy: well, if i tell you do you promise not to tell anyone
Red_haired_dummy: oh no she didn’t mess around…Alicia was kind of…boring (this is their typical way of ‘saint-ifying’ women on the show. Oh no, girls in Miami don’t get involved with any of that ‘sex’ stuff. She was a perfect angelic princess who went to confession 3 days a week. Oddly, none of these models are heroin addicts. Just like real life)
Red_haired_dummy: it looked like she’d been crying…if you know what i mean
Calleigh: i do…(what is this some, some sort of southern code for something?)
Traitor_wolfe: why would a 21 year old girl be so upset that she’d show up late for work (um. Where do i start.
1. What 21 year old do you know that is super responsible and always on time for work.
2. have you ever met a 21 year old before.
3. what do being a 21 year old girl and being on time for work have to do with each other. That makes no more or less sense than a 45 year old man being late for work
4. this dummy was a model. I can think of 75 reasons why she might be late for work
5. you really are a freakin’ idiot)
Natalia: eric…can i have some space please (in other words, back the fuck off you brain damaged freak!)
Natalia: it looks like our victim was married
B_D_D: how can you tell that from a sex kit (excellent question for the real world, but this is csi:Miami)
Natalia: because it came back to a guy currently serving time and the only way you can have a conjugal visit with a prisoner is if you’re married to them (i love how the perpetuate the ‘conjugal visit’ myth on this show. Does anyone believe that really exists? This smells of some right wing conspiracy to me.)
B_d_d: joe lebrock…that’s the man who kidnapped horatio’s son (of course!)
Natalia: no wonder she was keeping her personal life a secret (maybe she just doesn’t want people in her business)
B_d_d: i would too if i were married to one of the most dangerous men in Miami (riddle me this: how does some fat loser in prison end up married to a model. In the real world, it’s because he’s her heroin dealer, but not in h’s “all pretty women are angels” fantasy land. Also. I’m sure there are many people in Miami way more dangerous than this loser. Unless you mean dangerous to h’s career. Then he’s your guy)
H: you never told me you were married, joe (and when, pray tell, would this have come up in conversation? Hey, you kidnapped my son and hid him in some duct work. By the by, are you married to a model?)
Joe: Alicia and i hooked up just before i became a guest of the county. You know, she’s a model (could his delivery be any more flat). The guys go crazy when she comes strutting in here (yeah, i’m sure she’s always hanging around the county jail with your loser ass)
Joe: to be crude (and you will be), but a conjugal is a conjugal (oh what a lucky gal!)
H: but what’s in it for her (the million dollar question)
Joe: i set her up as a model (with all of your big connections in the fashion industry? You, clearly, are a fashionista)
Joe: i know a lot of people
H: yes, from your heroin dealing (and now it’s all coming together for me!)
Joe: when i met Alicia she was straight off the bus (the beginning of every tale of ‘big city’ murder)
Uh oh, this guy is on to h’s ‘body guard’ for his son. And now is making some sort of threats. Oh look out buddy! Don’t mess with any of h’s little boys.
Ah yes, no prison scene is complete without the guys just hanging around working out. Gay porn or csi: Miami – you tell me!
H: trust no one
Prison is like a zoo, complete with an observation deck!
Traitor wolfe: so you need help reading
Frank: that’s cute (actually that’s pretty damn funny!)
Frank: my favorite dust monkey (hehe…that’s good too!)
Fingerprinting with a techno beat. Everything relates back to the clubs for these writers.
H: stepmother Alicia (i always like it when the kid is older than the step-parent)
Oh no, the feds are stepping in again. H hates it when anyone messes with his perceived authority. And there he goes, making Natalia abuse her connections again.
Fbi_loser: you saved my career a few years ago (of course she did. I also like how all fbi agents are young and not alcoholics. Just like real life!)
Fbi_loser: and you were able to replicate it…or whatever it is that you do (you are in the FBI, you better know one god damn thing about your job and a few technical terms when it comes to basic DNA work)
Natalia: does what you know trump what i know about you…(oh please, she’s got dirt on this guy and she’s wasting it over a lame murder case)…i need the tapes today and i’ll get them back to you before you ever need an excuse (cuz a mdpd investigation is way more important than whatever it is the fbi is doing. She has h’s superiority complex.)
Calleigh doesn’t understand completing a circuit, but knows about specific nickel content in rare metals.
Calleigh: it’s heroin (models and heroin. That’s weird)
Calleigh: is heroin the new black (another good joke. That’s the three for the year. All in one episode)
Wanna_be_versace: in every country we’ve been to, no one checked the clothes (until you got to the good ol’ u.s. of a, where we’re better and smarter than anyone else! Don’t forget, we’re talking about models here, who are just known for their brains.)
little miss perfect figured it all out and was going to turn this guy in. i guess she ran the lab results on the clothes herself.
Joe: she didn’t understand the world of business, so i straightened her out (again, what a lucky gal!)
Big explosion! Good thing h is there to save the day. And this joe guy somehow coordinated it all from the inside. Right. He’s dumber than a sack of rocks and doesn’t really inspire any fear.
Oscar’s dying words…some sort of apology to h…right!
H: you did exactly what i asked….everything…and i won’t forget it (doesn’t matter anymore)
Oh the old cell phone setting off the bomb trick
Reverse phone directory on a cell phone. Don’t they know that doesn’t work…
Calleigh: you picked up the surface computing quickly (that’s really an insult. It’s like saying you picked up matching square pegs with square holes quickly)
Traitor_wolfe: it wasn’t that hard, Samantha got me up to speed (gee, i’m sure traitor_wolfe was really interested in the technology)
Calleigh: so you were just using it as an excuse to hit on the new girl
Traitor_wolfe: yeah, she saw through it too (Helen keller could see that!)
The call came from inside the jail. My money is on a guard.
Please, like searching the cells will do any good. Try a cavity search
Uh, oh, h’s kid is in trouble. I’m sure he was “framed”
H’s kid, rebelling! Gee, i wonder if it’s an act to save his ass. My first clue is not his acting skills. Really.
Natalia: i got it, you watch it (you tell him girl!)
Oh no, red_haired_moron is back. She brings down the collective IQ of the viewing audience. That is saying a lot.
Red_haired_moron: how would i even know how to do that (excellent question. I’m still wondering how you manage to breathe and blink at the same time)
Red_haired_moron: she wasn’t worthy of him…i proved that i am…he treated her like a queen (if your definition of a queen is referring to her as a ‘conjugal’ and being in prison. Maybe queen of cell block d. she really killed someone to get in the good graces of a middle aged jailed heroin dealer)
H: never lie to me again. (only lie to the investigators when they ask about our relationship)
So there is fingerprint ink on the phone, but no resultant fingerprints?
H: if you sign this confession, i’ll make sure it doesn’t get kicked up to life
Moron_too_stupid_to_lie: if i sign that, i sign my death sentence (either way, the world wins)
This DA is the worst actress ever.
Traitor_wolfe: clandestine meeting with a little boy (hey, that’s h’s game!)
Natalia: horatio needs to see this (to get some tips)
Nice iphone product placement. I’m embarrassed that apple supports this crap.
What kind of courtroom is surrounded by glass? I guess it’s just another zoo.
Luckily, h was in the shadows to scare the big, bad prisoner.
H: rebecca, the boy is my son (so? Why does he get special treatment. You would have added 20 years to anyone else’s sentence)
Bimbos and bikinis….here we go…Miami-style
Semi automatic weapons at the fashion show. We went from “new south” to “old south” in 10 seconds.
Bimbo:
Shootout scene – very Tarantino. I guess they were jealous that the real show had Tarantino direct an episode, so they’ll do a poor meth-addled knock off.
Let me guess. While the fake guns were going off, a real murder took place in the shadows.
Handcuffs. Do i smell foreshadowing?
The electrocution scene. Only the best ‘actresses’ from the community college for this show!
H: somebody killed this girl, alexx (NO SHIT SHERLOCK)
Wanna_be_versace: a girl that nice doesn’t have any enemies (you don’t know the first thing about women)
Traitor_wolfe: when alicia’s light got power, she got power
Calleigh: why didn’t she get electrocuted until she touched the pole (HOLD THE FUCK UP. Ok, i’m no physics whiz, but i’m going to take a wild guess here….she had to close the circuit???? Is that really a mystery to anyone. You supposedly have a degree in science)
Lighting_moron: don’t look at me….that’s why i know, there’s no way this could have happened (well, i won’t be making any investments based on what you know, moron, because here’s a news flash: it did happen)
Lighting_moron: i’m the only person with any reason to be down there (oh, they are tricky with their fancy ‘hidden’ clues.)
Red_haired_dummy:
Red_haired_dummy: oh no she didn’t mess around…Alicia was kind of…boring (this is their typical way of ‘saint-ifying’ women on the show. Oh no, girls in Miami don’t get involved with any of that ‘sex’ stuff. She was a perfect angelic princess who went to confession 3 days a week. Oddly, none of these models are heroin addicts. Just like real life)
Red_haired_dummy: it looked like she’d been crying…if you know what i mean
Calleigh: i do…(what is this some, some sort of southern code for something?)
Traitor_wolfe: why would a 21 year old girl be so upset that she’d show up late for work (um. Where do i start.
1. What 21 year old do you know that is super responsible and always on time for work.
2. have you ever met a 21 year old before.
3. what do being a 21 year old girl and being on time for work have to do with each other. That makes no more or less sense than a 45 year old man being late for work
4. this dummy was a model. I can think of 75 reasons why she might be late for work
5. you really are a freakin’ idiot)
Natalia: eric…can i have some space please (in other words, back the fuck off you brain damaged freak!)
Natalia: it looks like our victim was married
B_D_D: how can you tell that from a sex kit (excellent question for the real world, but this is csi:Miami)
Natalia: because it came back to a guy currently serving time and the only way you can have a conjugal visit with a prisoner is if you’re married to them (i love how the perpetuate the ‘conjugal visit’ myth on this show. Does anyone believe that really exists? This smells of some right wing conspiracy to me.)
B_d_d: joe lebrock…that’s the man who kidnapped horatio’s son (of course!)
Natalia: no wonder she was keeping her personal life a secret (maybe she just doesn’t want people in her business)
B_d_d: i would too if i were married to one of the most dangerous men in Miami (riddle me this: how does some fat loser in prison end up married to a model. In the real world, it’s because he’s her heroin dealer, but not in h’s “all pretty women are angels” fantasy land. Also. I’m sure there are many people in Miami way more dangerous than this loser. Unless you mean dangerous to h’s career. Then he’s your guy)
H: you never told me you were married, joe (and when, pray tell, would this have come up in conversation? Hey, you kidnapped my son and hid him in some duct work. By the by, are you married to a model?)
Joe: Alicia and i hooked up just before i became a guest of the county. You know, she’s a model (could his delivery be any more flat). The guys go crazy when she comes strutting in here (yeah, i’m sure she’s always hanging around the county jail with your loser ass)
Joe: to be crude (and you will be), but a conjugal is a conjugal (oh what a lucky gal!)
H:
Joe: i set her up as a model (with all of your big connections in the fashion industry? You, clearly, are a fashionista)
Joe: i know a lot of people
H: yes, from your heroin dealing (and now it’s all coming together for me!)
Joe: when i met Alicia she was straight off the bus (the beginning of every tale of ‘big city’ murder)
Uh oh, this guy is on to h’s ‘body guard’ for his son. And now is making some sort of threats. Oh look out buddy! Don’t mess with any of h’s little boys.
Ah yes, no prison scene is complete without the guys just hanging around working out. Gay porn or csi: Miami – you tell me!
H: trust no one
Prison is like a zoo, complete with an observation deck!
Traitor wolfe: so you need help reading
Frank: that’s cute (actually that’s pretty damn funny!)
Frank: my favorite dust monkey (hehe…that’s good too!)
Fingerprinting with a techno beat. Everything relates back to the clubs for these writers.
H: stepmother Alicia (i always like it when the kid is older than the step-parent)
Oh no, the feds are stepping in again. H hates it when anyone messes with his perceived authority. And there he goes, making Natalia abuse her connections again.
Fbi_loser: you saved my career a few years ago (of course she did. I also like how all fbi agents are young and not alcoholics. Just like real life!)
Fbi_loser: and you were able to replicate it…or whatever it is that you do (you are in the FBI, you better know one god damn thing about your job and a few technical terms when it comes to basic DNA work)
Natalia: does what you know trump what i know about you…(oh please, she’s got dirt on this guy and she’s wasting it over a lame murder case)…i need the tapes today and i’ll get them back to you before you ever need an excuse (cuz a mdpd investigation is way more important than whatever it is the fbi is doing. She has h’s superiority complex.)
Calleigh doesn’t understand completing a circuit, but knows about specific nickel content in rare metals.
Calleigh: it’s heroin (models and heroin. That’s weird)
Calleigh: is heroin the new black (another good joke. That’s the three for the year. All in one episode)
Wanna_be_versace: in every country we’ve been to, no one checked the clothes (until you got to the good ol’ u.s. of a, where we’re better and smarter than anyone else! Don’t forget, we’re talking about models here, who are just known for their brains.)
little miss perfect figured it all out and was going to turn this guy in. i guess she ran the lab results on the clothes herself.
Joe: she didn’t understand the world of business, so i straightened her out (again, what a lucky gal!)
Big explosion! Good thing h is there to save the day. And this joe guy somehow coordinated it all from the inside. Right. He’s dumber than a sack of rocks and doesn’t really inspire any fear.
Oscar’s dying words…some sort of apology to h…right!
H: you did exactly what i asked….everything…and i won’t forget it (doesn’t matter anymore)
Oh the old cell phone setting off the bomb trick
Reverse phone directory on a cell phone. Don’t they know that doesn’t work…
Calleigh: you picked up the surface computing quickly (that’s really an insult. It’s like saying you picked up matching square pegs with square holes quickly)
Traitor_wolfe: it wasn’t that hard, Samantha got me up to speed (gee, i’m sure traitor_wolfe was really interested in the technology)
Calleigh: so you were just using it as an excuse to hit on the new girl
Traitor_wolfe: yeah, she saw through it too (Helen keller could see that!)
The call came from inside the jail. My money is on a guard.
Please, like searching the cells will do any good. Try a cavity search
Uh, oh, h’s kid is in trouble. I’m sure he was “framed”
H’s kid, rebelling! Gee, i wonder if it’s an act to save his ass. My first clue is not his acting skills. Really.
Natalia: i got it, you watch it (you tell him girl!)
Oh no, red_haired_moron is back. She brings down the collective IQ of the viewing audience. That is saying a lot.
Red_haired_moron: how would i even know how to do that (excellent question. I’m still wondering how you manage to breathe and blink at the same time)
Red_haired_moron: she wasn’t worthy of him…i proved that i am…he treated her like a queen (if your definition of a queen is referring to her as a ‘conjugal’ and being in prison. Maybe queen of cell block d. she really killed someone to get in the good graces of a middle aged jailed heroin dealer)
H: never lie to me again. (only lie to the investigators when they ask about our relationship)
So there is fingerprint ink on the phone, but no resultant fingerprints?
H: if you sign this confession, i’ll make sure it doesn’t get kicked up to life
Moron_too_stupid_to_lie: if i sign that, i sign my death sentence (either way, the world wins)
This DA is the worst actress ever.
Traitor_wolfe: clandestine meeting with a little boy (hey, that’s h’s game!)
Natalia: horatio needs to see this (to get some tips)
Nice iphone product placement. I’m embarrassed that apple supports this crap.
What kind of courtroom is surrounded by glass? I guess it’s just another zoo.
Luckily, h was in the shadows to scare the big, bad prisoner.
H: rebecca, the boy is my son (so? Why does he get special treatment. You would have added 20 years to anyone else’s sentence)
10/29/2007
Tivo Description: Bizarre occurrences distract investigators as they track a serial killer who struck during an eclipse of the sun. (oh lord, superstition and bad writing/acting all in one. I can’t wait!)
Ok. You’re telling me that all of these idiots have never seen an eclipse before. Must be, because they’re all staring at it. what’s the first rule of eclipses. Don’t look at them.
And what eclipse goes this fast. And it doesn’t get THAT dark. And a full eclipse of the sun is extremely rare. It would be all over the news. Oh wait, none of these idiots reads, or even watches, the news.
H: it’s because they were watching…the eclipse
H: but he didn’t….count on us.
Alexx: Look, I just want to be put on record. This right here…This is some bad mojo
Detective: how do you figure
Alexx: My grandmother was into astrology (wait for it, wait for it….was she Miss Cleo?) and the saying goes: If someone dies during an eclipse they can’t rest until they take another soul with them (ok, this sounds far fetched, even for csi Miami. So i googled it. I got no hits. This is an all new level of…creativity…even for them.)
Alexx: Mojo is mojo honey (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, that is hilarious. For all the wrong reasons)
Well, calleigh watches the news…there hasn’t been a total eclipse in Miami since 1637. which means my theory is correct. Everyone in Miami is stupid
Alexx: the path of totality (WTF does that even mean)….it’s the one time god himself looks the other way (TOO WEIRD. It’s an eclipse, not a takeover by alien ships)
DNA not registering as human. This is awesome. Move over Lon Cheney, there’s a new werewolf in town. He does look freaky
B_d_d: what were you looking for?
Wolf_man_jack: wolf hormones (um, i think we need a psych consult)….80 years ago no one ever thought you could turn a dude into a chick (doo doo…dude looks like a lady)
B_d_d: i gotta ask, why a wolf
Wolf_man_jack: it’s my destiny (ARE YOU KIDDING ME)…werewolves man, they’re outlaws…warriors…..(canines, whatever)
Calleigh: he’s got a big firm to represent him
B_d_d: vampires, werewolves, they run in the same circles (ok, mediocre joke. That’s the best we can ask for)
Pool boy….and how weird, H is interviewing him
Pool_boy: i just didn’t want to be on his bad side
H: you don’t want to be on mine either, i can assure you (you have no idea what happens to boys like you when you’re on h’s “bad side”)
Pool_boy: you have to believe me
H: Mr. Hodges, I don’t……have to believe anything (way to show him who the big tough cop is)
The guy is 30 years old and his main occupation is dealing drugs out of a cabana. That shows initiative.
That’s the most phony collapse scene i’ve ever seen.
Traitor_wolfe is reinstated!!!
H: 2 murders, 12 hours
B_d_d: i think we’re dealing with a serial killer h
H: so do i
B_d_d: I’m beginning to see why dead_girl didn’t have any friends…take out menus, mini fridge (no, you see the RESULT of not having any friends, not why she doesn’t have any)
Dead_girl_finder: i don’t know what else you want from me
H: how about the truth
Dead_girl_finder: you know what’s weird lieutenant (the fact that everyone calls him lieutenant, the fact that the people who write this show are dumber than the actors [most of the time], that’s it the number 1 show in the world or something scary like that, yet they have no budget for better actors/writers)
D_g_f: i hope you catch this guy
H: i will, brent, i will
I’m still amazed by the translucent screens that miraculously appear on walls. And no keyboards, just a flat table. I’m sure the real labs have this much funding.
New_computer_girl: more like her lifeline, there’s an icon for absolutely everything (explain to me how making icons makes your computer your lifeline)
Mouse potato. Hehe!
New_computer_girl: first day back and you’re already feisty!
New_computer_girl: reverse trace on IP address. On law and order they have to get court orders and go to the ISP for that. Not in Miami…you can just drag some stuff around a flat table with no keyboard or mouse
She was knocked out by his stomach!
Aren’t you too old for meth at 30. it’s more of an emo kid thing.
Why does Natalia have a gun, she clearly can’t pass gun training class
Wolf_man_jack has his throat slit yet can still talk
The wolf was chained up, the killer didn’t have to run. Even tho i would.
Tripp: no i don’t believe in that hocus pocus….it is what it is, it ain’t what it ain’t, don’t make it what it isn’t (surprise, surprise, frank doesn’t believe in the hocus pocus. I so thought a southern cop would be in to astrology)
What killer steals a sample of someone’s blood and plants it in the next victim’s apartment. That is pretty sophisticated for a psychopath.
The killer strikes during the eclipse, because that’s when it’s dark. They don’t last that long (especially in Miami speed) and, again, it’s not completely dark. Everyone knows that. What a phony premise.
Ok, new_computer_girl must be new to computers. It’s not a contact sport. You don’t have to make giant movements to access info. In fact, it doesn’t work if you do.
For those who can’t keep up….we’ll start typing cliff notes on the screen
Sunglass and a gun, it must be h!
Odd, that h now has a key to the suspect’s place
Silhouettes of gun wielding freaks…nice
Nice Maxwell smart watch
First they’re preaching about credit card debt, now about wasting time on the computer/stealing drugs. They’re more self righteous than normal these days.
Traitor_wolfe: you went to battle for me….i’m never going to forget that
H: It’s in your blood isn’t it. (clever given the werewolf content. Wolfe/wolf, something in his blood…nice) Never forget that
H: Mr. wolfe, at the end of the day, if we don’t hang together, we’ll die alone….SUNGLASSES ON! And…scene.
Ok. You’re telling me that all of these idiots have never seen an eclipse before. Must be, because they’re all staring at it. what’s the first rule of eclipses. Don’t look at them.
And what eclipse goes this fast. And it doesn’t get THAT dark. And a full eclipse of the sun is extremely rare. It would be all over the news. Oh wait, none of these idiots reads, or even watches, the news.
H: it’s because they were watching…the eclipse
H: but he didn’t….count on us.
Alexx:
Detective: how do you figure
Alexx: My grandmother was into astrology (wait for it, wait for it….was she Miss Cleo?) and the saying goes: If someone dies during an eclipse they can’t rest until they take another soul with them (ok, this sounds far fetched, even for csi Miami. So i googled it. I got no hits. This is an all new level of…creativity…even for them.)
Alexx: Mojo is mojo honey (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, that is hilarious. For all the wrong reasons)
Well, calleigh watches the news…there hasn’t been a total eclipse in Miami since 1637. which means my theory is correct. Everyone in Miami is stupid
Alexx: the path of totality (WTF does that even mean)….it’s the one time god himself looks the other way (TOO WEIRD. It’s an eclipse, not a takeover by alien ships)
DNA not registering as human. This is awesome. Move over Lon Cheney, there’s a new werewolf in town. He does look freaky
B_d_d: what were you looking for?
Wolf_man_jack: wolf hormones (um, i think we need a psych consult)….80 years ago no one ever thought you could turn a dude into a chick (doo doo…dude looks like a lady)
B_d_d: i gotta ask, why a wolf
Wolf_man_jack: it’s my destiny (ARE YOU KIDDING ME)…werewolves man, they’re outlaws…warriors…..(canines, whatever)
Calleigh: he’s got a big firm to represent him
B_d_d: vampires, werewolves, they run in the same circles (ok, mediocre joke. That’s the best we can ask for)
Pool boy….and how weird, H is interviewing him
Pool_boy: i just didn’t want to be on his bad side
H: you don’t want to be on mine either, i can assure you (you have no idea what happens to boys like you when you’re on h’s “bad side”)
Pool_boy: you have to believe me
H: Mr. Hodges, I don’t……have to believe anything (way to show him who the big tough cop is)
The guy is 30 years old and his main occupation is dealing drugs out of a cabana. That shows initiative.
That’s the most phony collapse scene i’ve ever seen.
Traitor_wolfe is reinstated!!!
H: 2 murders, 12 hours
B_d_d: i think we’re dealing with a serial killer h
H:
B_d_d: I’m beginning to see why dead_girl didn’t have any friends…take out menus, mini fridge (no, you see the RESULT of not having any friends, not why she doesn’t have any)
Dead_girl_finder: i don’t know what else you want from me
H: how about the truth
Dead_girl_finder: you know what’s weird lieutenant (the fact that everyone calls him lieutenant, the fact that the people who write this show are dumber than the actors [most of the time], that’s it the number 1 show in the world or something scary like that, yet they have no budget for better actors/writers)
D_g_f: i hope you catch this guy
H: i will, brent, i will
I’m still amazed by the translucent screens that miraculously appear on walls. And no keyboards, just a flat table. I’m sure the real labs have this much funding.
New_computer_girl: more like her lifeline, there’s an icon for absolutely everything (explain to me how making icons makes your computer your lifeline)
Mouse potato. Hehe!
New_computer_girl: first day back and you’re already feisty!
New_computer_girl: reverse trace on IP address. On law and order they have to get court orders and go to the ISP for that. Not in Miami…you can just drag some stuff around a flat table with no keyboard or mouse
She was knocked out by his stomach!
Aren’t you too old for meth at 30. it’s more of an emo kid thing.
Why does Natalia have a gun, she clearly can’t pass gun training class
Wolf_man_jack has his throat slit yet can still talk
The wolf was chained up, the killer didn’t have to run. Even tho i would.
Tripp: no i don’t believe in that hocus pocus….it is what it is, it ain’t what it ain’t, don’t make it what it isn’t (surprise, surprise, frank doesn’t believe in the hocus pocus. I so thought a southern cop would be in to astrology)
What killer steals a sample of someone’s blood and plants it in the next victim’s apartment. That is pretty sophisticated for a psychopath.
The killer strikes during the eclipse, because that’s when it’s dark. They don’t last that long (especially in Miami speed) and, again, it’s not completely dark. Everyone knows that. What a phony premise.
Ok, new_computer_girl must be new to computers. It’s not a contact sport. You don’t have to make giant movements to access info. In fact, it doesn’t work if you do.
For those who can’t keep up….we’ll start typing cliff notes on the screen
Sunglass and a gun, it must be h!
Odd, that h now has a key to the suspect’s place
Silhouettes of gun wielding freaks…nice
Nice Maxwell smart watch
First they’re preaching about credit card debt, now about wasting time on the computer/stealing drugs. They’re more self righteous than normal these days.
Traitor_wolfe: you went to battle for me….i’m never going to forget that
H: It’s in your blood isn’t it. (clever given the werewolf content. Wolfe/wolf, something in his blood…nice) Never forget that
H: Mr. wolfe, at the end of the day, if we don’t hang together, we’ll die alone….SUNGLASSES ON! And…scene.
10/22/2007
Tivo Description: The lab loses the body of a murdered sports legend. (really, is it that easy to lose a body. They’re kinda heavy. And smelly….. Geniuses)
Yeah, i don’t think the writers strike will affect this show one ounce.
Dumbass_on_the_phone: I was the brunette by the bar (yet she has blonde hair)
Dumbass_about_to_be_dead: who cares about my wife, she’s at pilates or something (cuz she’ll never be back from that…or she’ll be home in 45 minutes)
H: do we have control of the media detective (dude, this isn’t soviet Russia. The answer is no…oh wait..i forgot, the patriot act. This IS soviet Russia. It infuriates me that they treat restrictions on the press like it’s a good thing.)
Detective: as good as can be expected….(obviously, grammar is not required in cop school. Or for the writers on csi Miami)
Alexx: perfectly severed his carotid….this spray is from his last three heart beats. You only get that kind of force and volume with a total…arterial…transaction (said slowly for the morons in the audience, and because she is an idiot herself and is reading it)
Alexx: a man like this would never go down without a fight
H: until today
Cryonics! Yay! Move over walt disney, csi’s in the house
Quick explanation that “cryonics” means “frozen dead fools” for the audience
Alexx: i have jurisdiction over the remains of his body
Alexx: that body does not leave my sight!
Alexx: that’s heparin, right (she knows this based on the unmarked needle)….you do realize an anti-coagulant is useless on the dead (nice try on the explanation, but coagulant is a mighty big SAT word for the target audience of this show) (it’s really alexx’s night to shine, er, um, have lots of poorly written lines)
Calleigh: a girl’s gotta keep some mystery (so very southern)
Woah…the tv highlight reels playing in the air, that’s pretty crazy editing software
Hmmm…pre-canned obits. Creepy.
The cryonics place is very science fiction looking…why do i have the feeling that in the real world, these places are warehouses in the run down meat packing districts of places like Detroit.
Alexx: virtopsy (FOR REALS. Are you seriously trying to play that off as a word)
Creepy_cryogenics_guy: we need to get him into a neuropod ASAP (neuropod. They’ll just make up anything)
alexx is doing a terrible job of pretending she’s freezing her ass off. And she’s wearing a tank top, they don’t have a lab jacket she can borrow.
H: i understand alexx, what else..
Natalia: let me call horatio (Nothing can be done without the all knowing h)
Bar_owner: i guess i’m a lucky guy
H: yes (head tilt) but not for long
H: was that before you killed him this morning (is that a loaded question or what)
Uh oh, more fun at the gun range. And of course the instructor is hitting on her. And like a dumbass, she lets the shotgun kick back on her. Cuz she’s new to guns, being a wanna-be-cop and all.
Dumbass_reporter: it’s legally binding
Calleigh: so are handcuffs
Calleigh: your career died with doug mcclain, you can write an obituary for it
So the reporter just lets the phone record for 25 minutes while the guy is dying. Doesn’t bother to pick up a land line or anything. Nice.
Dead little boy…now h is upset!!!
And a helpless woman. Even better!
So the dead kid was a star quarter back at age 6, despite the fact that he had a rare kidney disease.
H: ok.Where is the knife now….miss Sullivan…someone removed it
Brain_damage_delko: to the rescue!
Natalia: i think my shoulder’s out
B_d_d: you gotta go see a doctor
Natalia: i can’t. this is going to go on my record and it’s going to get out that i can’t shoot a shotgun (1. you’re an idiot. 2. you just told someone else, way to keep word from getting out. 3. you could have hurt yourself any number of ways, you never thought to lie. 4. you can’t shoot a shotgun because you didn’t listen to your gun teacher. Again, idiot. 5. you’d rather be injured than admit you can’t do something. )
B_d_d= mini h…csi extraordinaire, guy who can pop shoulders back in, and now caught in a compromising position by IAD (and he’s not even getting any)
Iad_guy: blah, blah, blah…fraternization…
B_d_d: sold out csi duquesne, cuz, say it with me, he’s an idiot.
And now hot shot detective is breaking things off with calleigh….b_d_d is in big trouble!
Creepy_cryogenics_doctor: the neuropod’s already been set…
H: open it
Oh, i’m so sure that cryogenics labs are this full and sophisticated.
None of these idiots bothered to call 911 despite all the opportunities…
H: he was worth more to you dead than alive
Why didn’t the moron ex-wife just get rid of the knife.
Yeah, i don’t think the writers strike will affect this show one ounce.
Dumbass_on_the_phone: I was the brunette by the bar (yet she has blonde hair)
Dumbass_about_to_be_dead: who cares about my wife, she’s at pilates or something (cuz she’ll never be back from that…or she’ll be home in 45 minutes)
H: do we have control of the media detective (dude, this isn’t soviet Russia. The answer is no…oh wait..i forgot, the patriot act. This IS soviet Russia. It infuriates me that they treat restrictions on the press like it’s a good thing.)
Detective: as good as can be expected….(obviously, grammar is not required in cop school. Or for the writers on csi Miami)
Alexx: perfectly severed his carotid….this spray is from
Alexx: a man like this would never go down without a fight
H: until today
Cryonics! Yay! Move over walt disney, csi’s in the house
Quick explanation that “cryonics” means “frozen dead fools” for the audience
Alexx: i have jurisdiction over the remains of his body
Alexx: that body does not leave my sight!
Alexx: that’s heparin, right (she knows this based on the unmarked needle)….you do realize an anti-coagulant is useless on the dead (nice try on the explanation, but coagulant is a mighty big SAT word for the target audience of this show) (it’s really alexx’s night to shine, er, um, have lots of poorly written lines)
Calleigh: a girl’s gotta keep some mystery (so very southern)
Woah…the tv highlight reels playing in the air, that’s pretty crazy editing software
Hmmm…pre-canned obits. Creepy.
The cryonics place is very science fiction looking…why do i have the feeling that in the real world, these places are warehouses in the run down meat packing districts of places like Detroit.
Alexx: virtopsy (FOR REALS. Are you seriously trying to play that off as a word)
Creepy_cryogenics_guy: we need to get him into a neuropod ASAP (neuropod. They’ll just make up anything)
alexx is doing a terrible job of pretending she’s freezing her ass off. And she’s wearing a tank top, they don’t have a lab jacket she can borrow.
H: i understand alexx, what else..
Natalia: let me call horatio (Nothing can be done without the all knowing h)
Bar_owner: i guess i’m a lucky guy
H: yes
H: was that before you killed him this morning (is that a loaded question or what)
Uh oh, more fun at the gun range. And of course the instructor is hitting on her. And like a dumbass, she lets the shotgun kick back on her. Cuz she’s new to guns, being a wanna-be-cop and all.
Dumbass_reporter: it’s legally binding
Calleigh: so are handcuffs
Calleigh: your career died with doug mcclain, you can write an obituary for it
So the reporter just lets the phone record for 25 minutes while the guy is dying. Doesn’t bother to pick up a land line or anything. Nice.
Dead little boy…now h is upset!!!
And a helpless woman. Even better!
So the dead kid was a star quarter back at age 6, despite the fact that he had a rare kidney disease.
H: ok.
Brain_damage_delko: to the rescue!
Natalia: i think my shoulder’s out
B_d_d: you gotta go see a doctor
Natalia: i can’t. this is going to go on my record and it’s going to get out that i can’t shoot a shotgun (1. you’re an idiot. 2. you just told someone else, way to keep word from getting out. 3. you could have hurt yourself any number of ways, you never thought to lie. 4. you can’t shoot a shotgun because you didn’t listen to your gun teacher. Again, idiot. 5. you’d rather be injured than admit you can’t do something. )
B_d_d= mini h…csi extraordinaire, guy who can pop shoulders back in, and now caught in a compromising position by IAD (and he’s not even getting any)
Iad_guy: blah, blah, blah…fraternization…
B_d_d: sold out csi duquesne, cuz, say it with me, he’s an idiot.
And now hot shot detective is breaking things off with calleigh….b_d_d is in big trouble!
Creepy_cryogenics_doctor: the neuropod’s already been set…
H: open it
Oh, i’m so sure that cryogenics labs are this full and sophisticated.
None of these idiots bothered to call 911 despite all the opportunities…
H: he was worth more to you dead than alive
Why didn’t the moron ex-wife just get rid of the knife.
10/15/2007
Tivo Description: While probing the mysterious death of a college student in a car fire, the CSI tem finds evidence indicating that Tim Speedle (Rory – I’m just begging my kid to be gay with a name like that- Cochrane) may still be alive
Is this a car commercial or csi?
Dumb_girl_in_the_car_who_is_likely_not_long_for_this_world: I feel safe with you….you’re the only one that understands. Tell me again it’s going to be ok (cuz i have no confidence my own opinions or abilities)
Dumbass_guy: i’ll say whatever you want if it means i’ll get laid here in the back seat of my mom’s car.
Nice one, the fire under the car trick, and of course they have several bottles of liquor in the car, seeing as they’re underage.
Dumbass_guy: Get up, get up, get up…(here’s an idea Einstein, i’m sure she weighs like 75 lbs, so pick her ass up and get the hell out of dodge. Well, it’s not a dodge, but you get the idea.)
How are these two morons locked in the car. Kick out a window. No one in that situation should be so calm.
Dumbass_guy: *cough* *cough*…jess, i can’t breathe. (forget the fact that he knows she’s passed out/dead.
What’s up with the opera music going on in the background. What is this romeo and Juliet?
How is she outside of the car now…and i called it. underage!
Natalia: mass spec will tell us for sure, i’ll get it to the lab (i just thought of a new drinking game. Every time they say “i’ll get it to the lab” or “get this to the lab”, take a sip. Guaranteed to be shit faced by the end of the show)
Photographer: you got it CSI Duquesne (ok, do people really say that. I think “officer” or “ma’am” would be more likely. Unless you’re H, then it’s always “lieutenant”)
Brain_damage_delko having flashbacks, is it back-from-the-dead-speedle OR the shot to the head….you decide
Traitor_wolfe: i miss the team (no one says that)
Do they really need to explain what happens when your brake line gets cut. Even grandma watching from western Kentucky knows the general chain of events.
Brain_damage_delko: never say never. Dude. You’re a science nerd. You’ll never be cool
Hippie_dude: Jessica…she’s my girlfriend (and yes, you are very upset to hear she’s dead)
Hippie_dude certainly knows a lot about forensics for being a moron.
Alexx: i think we’re looking at a botched double suicide
H: we missed something at the scene, eric has to go back (more opportunities to see is-he-dead-or-alive-speedle)
Brain_damage_delko: talking to ghosts on the beach
Calleigh: nice laptop, expensive item for a college student (seriously…this is the thing you notice. I’d say it’s likely that a college student would have an expensive laptop purchased by her parents. However, living in a phat ass beach house on a marina would be the thing that i would wonder about)
What credit company calls your soon-to-be employer and what moron employer listens to them
H: the lady…is dead
Lab_guy: how did you miss that the first time….what made you look there this time (could this get any more cheesy!)
Ok…so they’re parked on the beach. someone puts a tube in the window that sends in the carbon monoxide…riddle me this….if you’re parked on the beach, why, oh why, is your engine running?
Brain_damage_delko: let the evidence tell us….i’m looking at a killer
H: …is part of the game killing Jessica taylor
Slimy_credit_guy: a dead client means no prime + 20 (nice. I think he’s up for humanitarian of the year)
All of a sudden she finds dead-but-maybe-not–speedle’s credit card after what, 5 years…now i’ve lost things in the car, but never for that long in such an obvious place
And the credit card has been active for 2 weeks. Let me take some wild guesses here. We’re dealing with some sort of credit collection agency or something…they give you credit cards, identities are easy to steal….someone stole dead-for-sure-speedle’s identity and signed up for a credit card. One of these morons accidentally picked it up somewhere along the way in the investigation. Oh the mother of all coincidences. Or just an average day on csi Miami
Brain_damage_delko: you couldn’t look more guilty than you do right now…
And now the guns are a-blazing
Alexx is all freaked out that brain_damage_delko is talkin’ to himself…
Alexx: you want to talk, you find me
The Maxwell 16
Ah yes, the translucent monitors
Calleigh: he never told us he had a credit card with liberty coast (now how, exactly, is that going to come up..yes, i’m glad to see you’re up from your coma. Now tell me, how did you know the dead girl, why were you on the beach, tell me all of your credit accounts ?!?! wtf)
Is this their way of educating the general pop on the perils of credit card debt
Guy_who_is_too_dumb_to_kill_himself: Liberty coast killed us the day we signed up for that card (no moron. No one made you spend all that money)….
Dead_girl: they told me they were going to take my parent’s house…this is our only way out.. (1. you’re so dumb you believed them 2. i have another idea…it’s called a job. You two are so dumb, you were doing the gene pool a favor)
Guy_who_is_too_dumb_to_kill_himself: blah, blah, perils of credit cards and stupidity….if i had Paris Hilton’s money i still couldn’t pay it off (oh stop right there. Don’t reference her, ever. And correction…if you had access to the Hilton family fortune, you would be able to pay it off. Paris, herself, has very little money)
Since when do you know your creditors on a first name basis
Uh oh, someone is looking at calleigh and b_d_d through a lens or is it some sort of stop-time technique…..fancy graphics exploding out of that lens
Calleigh: kill shot..
Calleigh needs to explain “minitive angle” to another csi
B_d_d: that’s what speedle was telling me about (and you expect no one to question you or act like you’re crazy after you say shit like that)
H: please….don’t…..continue….to….insult….me
So this idiot is in the hospital, escapes, and finds a semi-automatic rifle
H: on the contrary Brandon…no one deserves to die
H: you’re looking in speed’s locker
B_d_d: his wallet is missing
H: when someone who is important to us leaves us it can be difficult to accept they’re gone (is this kindergarten?)
H: it’s time to get some help (nice)
H: thinks eric is crazy, yet goes to the bank to ask about the card. (aren’t most card companies large and anonymous with no local branch)
So b_d_d and calleigh go to a place AFTER the transaction is complete. Cuz the guy is likely to still be there
Someone else in the lab stole the card!!!! And he ran up the charges. More preaching on the perils of credit cards
Calleigh: you have broken the law
Dumbas_lab_guy_who_got_caught: no one got hurt (everyone gets hurt in credit fraud, don’t you know that)
B_d_d and h are both at the grave site…of course
H: eric, come to me next time…(you’d like that, wouldn’t you h)
Speedle with the angelic glow and all knowing smile
B_d_d: you ever see him, h
H: every day….everyday
Is this a car commercial or csi?
Dumb_girl_in_the_car_who_is_likely_not_long_for_this_world: I feel safe with you….you’re the only one that understands. Tell me again it’s going to be ok (cuz i have no confidence my own opinions or abilities)
Dumbass_guy: i’ll say whatever you want if it means i’ll get laid here in the back seat of my mom’s car.
Nice one, the fire under the car trick, and of course they have several bottles of liquor in the car, seeing as they’re underage.
Dumbass_guy: Get up, get up, get up…(here’s an idea Einstein, i’m sure she weighs like 75 lbs, so pick her ass up and get the hell out of dodge. Well, it’s not a dodge, but you get the idea.)
How are these two morons locked in the car. Kick out a window. No one in that situation should be so calm.
Dumbass_guy: *cough* *cough*
What’s up with the opera music going on in the background. What is this romeo and Juliet?
How is she outside of the car now…and i called it. underage!
Natalia: mass spec will tell us for sure, i’ll get it to the lab (i just thought of a new drinking game. Every time they say “i’ll get it to the lab” or “get this to the lab”, take a sip. Guaranteed to be shit faced by the end of the show)
Photographer: you got it CSI Duquesne (ok, do people really say that. I think “officer” or “ma’am” would be more likely. Unless you’re H, then it’s always “lieutenant”)
Brain_damage_delko having flashbacks, is it back-from-the-dead-speedle OR the shot to the head….you decide
Traitor_wolfe: i miss the team (no one says that)
Do they really need to explain what happens when your brake line gets cut. Even grandma watching from western Kentucky knows the general chain of events.
Brain_damage_delko: never say never. Dude. You’re a science nerd. You’ll never be cool
Hippie_dude: Jessica…she’s my girlfriend (and yes, you are very upset to hear she’s dead)
Hippie_dude certainly knows a lot about forensics for being a moron.
Alexx: i think we’re looking at a botched double suicide
H: we missed something at the scene, eric has to go back
Brain_damage_delko: talking to ghosts on the beach
Calleigh: nice laptop, expensive item for a college student (seriously…this is the thing you notice. I’d say it’s likely that a college student would have an expensive laptop purchased by her parents. However, living in a phat ass beach house on a marina would be the thing that i would wonder about)
What credit company calls your soon-to-be employer and what moron employer listens to them
H:
Lab_guy: how did you miss that the first time….what made you look there this time (could this get any more cheesy!)
Ok…so they’re parked on the beach. someone puts a tube in the window that sends in the carbon monoxide…riddle me this….if you’re parked on the beach, why, oh why, is your engine running?
Brain_damage_delko: let the evidence tell us….i’m looking at a killer
H:
Slimy_credit_guy: a dead client means no prime + 20 (nice. I think he’s up for humanitarian of the year)
All of a sudden she finds dead-but-maybe-not–speedle’s credit card after what, 5 years…now i’ve lost things in the car, but never for that long in such an obvious place
And the credit card has been active for 2 weeks. Let me take some wild guesses here. We’re dealing with some sort of credit collection agency or something…they give you credit cards, identities are easy to steal….someone stole dead-for-sure-speedle’s identity and signed up for a credit card. One of these morons accidentally picked it up somewhere along the way in the investigation. Oh the mother of all coincidences. Or just an average day on csi Miami
Brain_damage_delko: you couldn’t look more guilty than you do right now…
And now the guns are a-blazing
Alexx is all freaked out that brain_damage_delko is talkin’ to himself…
Alexx: you want to talk, you find me
The Maxwell 16
Ah yes, the translucent monitors
Calleigh: he never told us he had a credit card with liberty coast (now how, exactly, is that going to come up..yes, i’m glad to see you’re up from your coma. Now tell me, how did you know the dead girl, why were you on the beach, tell me all of your credit accounts ?!?! wtf)
Is this their way of educating the general pop on the perils of credit card debt
Guy_who_is_too_dumb_to_kill_himself: Liberty coast killed us the day we signed up for that card (no moron. No one made you spend all that money)….
Dead_girl: they told me they were going to take my parent’s house…this is our only way out.. (1. you’re so dumb you believed them 2. i have another idea…it’s called a job. You two are so dumb, you were doing the gene pool a favor)
Guy_who_is_too_dumb_to_kill_himself: blah, blah, perils of credit cards and stupidity….if i had Paris Hilton’s money i still couldn’t pay it off (oh stop right there. Don’t reference her, ever. And correction…if you had access to the Hilton family fortune, you would be able to pay it off. Paris, herself, has very little money)
Since when do you know your creditors on a first name basis
Uh oh, someone is looking at calleigh and b_d_d through a lens or is it some sort of stop-time technique…..fancy graphics exploding out of that lens
Calleigh: kill shot..
Calleigh needs to explain “minitive angle” to another csi
B_d_d: that’s what speedle was telling me about (and you expect no one to question you or act like you’re crazy after you say shit like that)
H: please….don’t…..continue….to….insult….me
So this idiot is in the hospital, escapes, and finds a semi-automatic rifle
H: on the contrary Brandon…no one deserves to die
H: you’re looking in speed’s locker
B_d_d: his wallet is missing
H: when someone who is important to us leaves us it can be difficult to accept they’re gone (is this kindergarten?)
H: it’s time to get some help (nice)
H: thinks eric is crazy, yet goes to the bank to ask about the card. (aren’t most card companies large and anonymous with no local branch)
So b_d_d and calleigh go to a place AFTER the transaction is complete. Cuz the guy is likely to still be there
Someone else in the lab stole the card!!!! And he ran up the charges. More preaching on the perils of credit cards
Calleigh: you have broken the law
Dumbas_lab_guy_who_got_caught: no one got hurt (everyone gets hurt in credit fraud, don’t you know that)
B_d_d and h are both at the grave site…of course
H: eric, come to me next time…(you’d like that, wouldn’t you h)
Speedle with the angelic glow and all knowing smile
B_d_d: you ever see him, h
H: every day….everyday
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